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female
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anonymous
writes: is it reasonable to expect to be my bf's #1 priority (or at least up there after his parents/siblings)?during a "discussion" i said that i felt like i was last on his list of priorities, i said it in the middle of the sentence and he addressed the last thing i said but not that.is it normal to expect to come before work on that list even tho we'r not together a full year yet and he's worked where he is for 6yrs? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): Ms. Anon, I also had a similar problem before. Except that I am the one who had to balance priorities. To relate to your boyfriend, I have a senior role in the company I work with. I manage a small team and have to answer to my bosses every week. Work is fast paced and often, stress is a major part of my daily. Since I am a senior, other departments cannot move ahead if our end isn't done. So often I find myself working 10 to 14 hours per day. I would call my girlfriend about twice a day - one around lunch to see how she's doing and one before bed time to wish her good night. However, as the pressures from work demanded more from me, I also could not see her that often.
On top of that, both my parents are getting quite old. Since they both have been hand-labourers since youth, I try to provide them the security and happiness they deserve. Thus I took on another part-time job to help pay for our Canada-side expenses - house mortgage, bills, groceries, etc.
My career is extremely important to me, because I am responsible to more than just myself. Sometimes I can feel that my girlfriend isn't too happy that I spend more time working and taking care of my parents, than go out with her to do this and that. I try to be there for her, with her, even 'sacrificed' my health to make her feel better. However, contrary to popular belief, though I wish I can be there for my parents, the company, my friends, and my gf, ultimately, I rather spend time by myself, to chill, to not think, to rest...
You know? More often than not, I don't want to talk about it. It's tiring enough that I even dream about my duties and the projects at the company. [sigh] My goal is to stabilize the properties we own, pay off all the mortgage here, fund my parents' happiness and health, while save money to get my own place - allow my own life, and hopefully during this whole 'ordeal', my gf would support me emotionally, physically, and spiritually throughout.
How's that sound Ms. Anon? Have you ever asked him what his aspirations are? Goals? Visions?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2006): (person who asked question)its not just work, it seems to be everything but me. iv spoken to him about it and things are good for a while but it always goes back. i understand he has to work but shouldnt he understand that it takes 2 for a relationship to work?
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female
reader, Anja +, writes (18 May 2006):
 Well he has to earn a living doesn't he?! So in a way that could be deemed more important then you. In my personal opinion...everything has to have a balance.
If he's choosing to do overtime at work to save up money for necessary things...great! (you never know an engagement ring might be on his 'shopping list'.) If however he is spending a lot of time at work and not with you and you are not seeing anything for it...mmm well that obviously is not good.
I don't believe it is fair to make a 'mental' list of what's important in someones life, certainly not a fair question to ask someone.
It's like asking a christian what they consider comes first...they of course would naturally reply 'God', but that in no way means they love you less...(in fact they will love you more because of it...)
So sometimes sacrifices and priorities have to be made but not at the expense of the other persons. If it really is getting to you that he is not spending enough quality time with you, tell him, you have been together nearly a year now so you can be honest with each other. He should at least be reasonable. If he truly loves you, he should consider spending more time with you a reasonable request!
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A
female
reader, Angel ron +, writes (18 May 2006):
 sounds it a bit unfair choice to me obviously making your boyfriend choose like this is not fair obviously both matter to him but I think work is more importnat because work equals money equals paying bills rent etc so iam afraid work should be his priority other wise how is he going to afford to take you out if he has no money. Therefore he has to work to earn money and to take you out. So I think work is his priority at the moment.
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A
male
reader, Undisclosed  +, writes (18 May 2006):
 Excellent question.
Unfortunately, I can't advise you on what one should prioritize in one’s life. It’s a personal choice, and a freedom we all have. It’s not easy to do, but decentering (empathising) is an important part of being in a relationship. My opinion is that recognizing each other’s priorities and values without judgment paves the road for understanding how our partner feels and reacts towards ours.
It’s not exactly a light topic to bring up in conversation and I commend you for expressing how you feel. It is an extremely sensitive, delicate and personal issue. If prodding at it seems dangerous, work towards attuning each other towards your respective priorities. If you feel he understands how his choices makes you feel, regardless of what the choice may be, reaching that very personal sphere of your partner’s being gets easier.
It’s an excellent question, but a hard one to answer as I don’t believe there are prescriptive norms when it comes to one’s priorities. Write me a line, if you’re looking to explore more specifics of the question.
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