A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I flew interstate at the end of August. A and I had been doing bad for some time and it had been 8 months since we saw each other last. In fact during those 8 months we had a break up that lasted 2 months. A came here for Christmas and stayed for 11 days. It went well as usual, few fights here and there but we were happy and we were sad when we had to part ways. When A went back our fighting began again. We mostly argue about stupid things for example not giving enough attention. This argument was only because we missed each other. But anyway we ended up breaking up January 20, 2011 and I didnt hear from A until March 29th, 2011. She texted me, wishing me a happy birthday. I was trying to move on and didn't want her to suck me back in because its so easy for me to go back to her. But she won. We got back together but it was still a lot of fighting. We broke up several times during the summer and she would call me back and say she just couldn't do it, she has to be with me. So anyway we still fought. I didnt want to go back to college and she wanted me to and blah blah blah. So she broke up with me, and I called her after a few weeks and told her it was a mistake I don't know what I was thinking. I need to go to college. So she was still kind of mad but satisfied to hear the news. But she had said something she has never said before. She told me that she was so lonely she had started considering dating someone. That automatically made me insecure. So over the next few weeks it definitely showed that I was insecure. She didnt like that obviously and told me I needed to stop with my doubts. So I felt like she was getting to a point of possibly not wanting this anymore. So I flew out there. She was so excited jumping up and down when she saw me. She was losing stuff she was so gitty around me. She just kept telling me over and over how happy she was. It was a great visit we didnt fight one time. But on the last day I was there she was doing my hair and she told me thank you so much for coming here. We were doing bad and you made it all better blah blah. Well A had mentioned the name "X" a few times I was there. X is a girl she works with. Well due to my insecurities from her comment and the fact that A has never had a friend since she lived in the US, I was uncomfortable. Like the day before I got to her state A fought with me over the fact that this girl X bought her chocolates for her birthday and her own gf hasnt bought her anything.But A knows I always get her presents so it was weird to me, like she was starting a fight for some reason. So anyway, A was doing my hair and after she told me thank you, I had asked her if she still felt the same way about me as before. And she said I love you still so much and want it to work but im sick of the fighting, and I dont feel like I NEED you. She said, "I used to feel horrible without you, I guess I've matured". So again this made me insecure. I basically said A dont take this the wrong way but you have never tried being with anyone else before maybe you should try. And she was quiet and she was like I cant Ive tried. I said no you havent really tried, like dated someone else. I said you mentioned X a couple times and if you like her or are attracted to her why dont you try it. I was like tell X how you feel and she immediately laughed and was like X ??!! Anyway so I dont know if she was upset that I would even say this or was nervous bc she could tell I picked up on something. Anyway so we ended that conversation pretty quickly and everything was fine again. She was telling me how she wasnt sure how she felt about me before I got there and asa she saw me she felt the intensity she used to always feel. She was like I remembered what i felt like when im with you. So I left and got home to my state and her and I were fine. I was really making an effort to not fight with her and we were getting along wonderfully. She even sent me these glasses I really liked and I sent her another birthday present and everything was good. But the day of her birthday she was acting a little weird. My nieces called to wish her happy birthday and they said happy (wrong age for her) birthday jokingly. Well she called me when she woke up and sounded like she was in a bad mood and I asked if she liked her happy bday song and she said Yes but im not 40!! I was like well we know that silly we were just messing. So I asked her what are you doing for your birthday and she said i dont know maybe go to a club. (A isnt crazy about clubs or drinking) so I immediately got uncomfortable and felt like something was up like she wanted to hang out with X maybe. So I asked who was going and she said just her brother in law.Now I dont know if she got so upset over the 40 y/o thing and wanted to go to a club because she was feeling bad about her age(29 almost the big 30) or if she was feeling guilty bc she was going to hang out with X . Anyway I read into things too much I know. So later on I went and saw a movie w a friend and her and her bro in law had been texting me just joking with eachother. A called but I didnt answer bc I was in a movie. So I text her and said tht I was in a movie and she was like why didnt you tell me!!!? So we had a little tiff over that. So A seemed like she was in a bad mood for the rest of the day but she went out still for her bday w her bro in law. He was texting me while they were at the club and I asked him to send me pics bc I had this funny feeling she was with Brittney. So about 3 am I get 2 pics and one of them was X and her. So I got upset but instead of letting my emotions get the best of me I just said I was not going to talk to her that night. Well she text and was like honey is everything ok. And then she called and I was trying to keep my composure but I freaked out. And asked her if she thought it was appropriate to be hanging out w her employees at a club drinking. She is the manager of her other bro in laws business. And she didnt agree but then I asked her what her bro in law would think and she said he wouldnt think it was appropriate and wouldnt be happy about this. So I just said you know what I cant deal with you acting like this so thats it im done. I felt terrible afterwards I realized I let my emotions get the best of me which I knew would happen. So after I cooled off the next day I text her. I was just explaining myself and that I was sorry and blah blah. Well she was angry and stubborn. She said I cant deal with the way your thinking and all this. I basically apologized for three days. There were times she would be sweet but then when she would remember the fact that I broke up w her on her bday she would freak out. So she even brought up the New Years last year I fell asleep before midnight. So she was bringing up past things that I did. I felt like maybe to give her more reason not to be with me. So anyway she just ended up texting and saying she doesnt want to do this anymore and I said okay then A if that is what you want then I guess there is nothing more I can do. I felt like I had tried everything. I flew out there bought her everything under the sun to make her feel special which by the way I never even got a bday card from this girl. I then apologized like a pathetic person trying to get back w her. and she still wasnt having it. So I basically gave up I didnt want to keep looking like a fool. Well we havent spoken since then that was September 6th 2011. Well I have the password to A's email and she usually changes the password when we break up but she didnt this time. Well I went on there like a week after the break up and she had like 20 photos of her and Brittney. they were like making the same faces in every one just being goofy and obnoxious. Then right after that she had pics of just herself in the glasses that I bought her for her bday. So I took this as she was trying to make me jealous. Thats why she left the password the same and everything. So anyway I let that go and couple weeks later I look on it and see this doggie bouquet sent to brittney where they both work. And the note said" cant wait to see you" Nick. So I started thinking maybe Nick is a code name so people at work dont get suspicious. So anyway my mom said no no she just put that either to make you jealous or brittney's bf is Nick and he didnt have a credit card so he asked A to do it for him. Okay so a couple weeks later I see another bouquet but this time its roses sent to there work to Brittney. the card said "I miss you". so now im getting sick to my stomach but my mom tries to convince me they are just friends Kara. She is either trying to make you jealous or she is needing this attention from her because she is lonely and missing you but she is too damn stubborn to give in. By the way the last bouquet there was also a reservation to a restaurant i took A to for her bday that A didnt even want me to take her to bc it was too expensive. Anyway so she took Brittney there. So several weeks have passed and I check her email and see a few pics sent to Brittney from A . One of the pics is them looking as if they are bout to kiss. Its pretty freakin close but lips arent actually together. So Ive been kind of wigged out. A month or so ago I wouldve been sick to my stomach. But I have definitely gotten much stronger through all this but I still care like I said before I think its more of an ego thing. Its like i dont want this girl she has become but I dont want her to have already found someone so quickly. Or like I have been replaced. I am soooooo sorry that this is so long but I really want to give a full understanding and picture what has happened. Oh I recently found emails between them but they weren't anything out of the ordinary. It just seemed like 2 friends talking. A alwayssss called me baby or honey or some kind of name when she spoke to me. Okay so bottom line its been 3 months I am a hell of a lot stronger than I was and it feels great but I am still mourning. I will not go back to her and I have not called her nor text. No contact what so ever. and I will not contact her ever. But talking about my situation has really helped me in moving forward. So whoever is reading this if you could give me some insight on your thoughts of my situation. Believe me you dont need to tell me how to move on. I have read all of the literature and taken steps. I would like to know if A and Brittney are together romantically or if all these things A has put in my viewing is to make me jealous and to hurt me because she is angry at me? Or if they are together is it just a rebound and wont last? Do you think A is going to give in and call me because she cant take it anymore like she has done in the past? Any advice on what I should say if she does call? Basically just someone please break down to me what they think has happened? Like did she just stop loving me or got bored with me and wanted to try something else out? Is she really into this girl or is it just to help get over me etc.? Thankyou!
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a break, at work, broke up, christmas, got back together, I love you, insecure, jealous, lesbian, move on, text Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 December 2011):
 After reading your post well this break up didn't really come out of the blue did it? You where both not right for a long time. To me it sounds like you didn't trust her and she couldn't stand the long distance and she was lonely and wanted someone that was physically there when she needed them. I guess the arguments where there because of the distance.
It sounds to me like she might be romantically involved with this other girl. Your mother obviously just does not want to see you hurt. But it sounds like she was lonely for a long time in your relationship and that is why she is looking for someone now to fill that void. Am sure she still cares about you, but to me it sounds like she is moving on with her life, and am glad you feel like you are moving forward as well. But honey if you are going to keep reading her private emails then you are never going to move forward. You need to stop logging in to her emails and let her move on with her life as well as you. Its good that you accept that it is over and you are feeling better therefore I think you should just close this chapter now and get on with the rest of your life. Maybe she is dating this girl or maybe she is trying to make you jealous, either way it is her life now so it is best to leave her to it. Good luck.
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