A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello, everyone. I’m a 21 year old homosexual male. About three weeks ago, my toxic, 2 year relationship ended with my ex. Throughout the entire duration of our relationship, he emotionally cheated, meaning that he would inbox other guys on social media and text them. I told him how much I didn’t like it and he always promised to stop, but never did. Then it escalated to physical cheating. He slept with one guy and we reconciled a few days after. Less than a month later, he cheated on me with a 38 year old man (my ex was 19 at the time) and he did not come home for a month. The relationship has grown to be even more toxic and we were disagreeing much more at home. One night during a heated argument, he ran out of the front door when I turned my back, and he ran into the arms of the 38 year old. This incident really damaged me and broke my heart into a million pieces. With this incident in particular, he absolutely did not care. Obviously, he didn’t care the other times either, but this time, it was just different. He made it clear that he didn’t care one bit. At this point, I thought the relationship was completely over and I began to move on. Exactly one month later, he called me and told me he wanted to move back in with me. I was caught off guard and confused. Nevertheless, he showed up on my front door step. He was drunk, crying, and had his suitcase filled with all of his things. Against better judgment, I gave the relationship another try. I was, and honestly, still am angry with him for cheating on me with the 38 year old. The first time broke my heart too, but like I said, the second incident was just...different. I can’t explain it but I experienced heartbreak on a completely different level. To make things worse, the relationship was the same as before he had left; there was no improvement. We still argued constantly and he was STILL inboxing other guys. In May, we both got new jobs, working right next door to one another. In June, I received a phone call from a mutual friend, and she informed me how he was disrespecting me on the job by texting male coworkers and even customers he would meet. To make things worse, he was on the verge of losing the job altogether because he was inappropriately texting a 16 year old coworker of his. I had also heard that my ex inappropriately touched him, and while I wouldn’t be surprised if he did, I’m not sure if it’s true. Again, I took him back without allowing myself to heal. Our relationship continued to deteriorate. Finally, three weeks ago, I reached my absolute breaking point and asked him to please pack his things and leave. This time, I caught him texting a 14 year old guy who lives right down the street from me. Mind you, he’s 20 now so I couldn’t fathom why he was doing this, and I was disgusted. It was later revealed to me that he had made desperate attempts to have sex with the 14 year old, but to my knowledge, they never did anything sexual. I guess my ex saw things wouldn’t work out with him either, and now he wants to still come back to me. But now, the tables have turned because this time, I’m the one who has met someone new. He’s 21 like me, in college, very ambitious with a bright future ahead of him, has his own car, and his own room at the college which would allow me to go stay with him whenever. Early on, he would do and say things to make it clear that he wanted to pursue a relationship with me, but that has slowly dwindled down. We are just friends I guess but I really like him. He makes it a point to see me every day, but it’ll only be for about 5 minutes. We text throughout the day, but he’ll take hours to reply. I have tried to throw hints that I would like to see him at the university, which he did invite me to once, but now it’s like he dodges my advances as far as that. However, we do still at least talk daily and have our little 5 minute visits. But now I’m not sure where exactly this friendship is headed, and I’m nervous that it’s going to end up a dead end. Meanwhile, my ex knows that I’ve been talking to someone else and he is super jealous. He still tries to have sex with me and, to be honest, I give in. Although our relationship was toxic, the sex was amazing. But since he had to move an hour away (his immediate family lives an hour away from my city) we’ve only been able to have sex twice since the break up and now we have phone sex. He still works next door to me and drives an hour almost daily to do so, but now that’s about to change because he has been offered a better paying position in the city he’s in now. With all of this on my mind and in my heart, I am emotionally frustrated. I am still in love with my ex but I feel like I need to completely let him go. Well, my head tells me that but my heart doesn’t want to do that. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore because I’m scared but I just do not want to let go. He still texts me and treats me like we’re in a relationship, so I’m assuming that he feels the same....? Meanwhile, I feel like I’m being unfair to the new guy I’m talking to by still involving myself with my ex, but he’s lacking as far as making more time for me, which makes me feel like our friendship isn’t going to go anywhere. I feel guilty about being sexual with my ex, but why should I when my new friend isn’t giving me enough time? I’m not sure even sure if he’s out having sex with other guys himself. With all of this going on, what should I do to guard my heart and not be a fool? Can someone please help me analyze this situation? How do these guys feel about me and what do I need to do? Thank you so much.
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ambition, cheated on me, co-worker, drunk, jealous, move on, my ex, phone sex, text, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018): Why should the other guy give you more time; when you're still emotionally-involved with your ex?
In fact, you still live with him!!! I think you're a bit caught-up in the drama with your ex. Why on earth would you be keeping someone in your home that is going after under-aged boys? You'll put-up with anything; because you like the sex. Which head are you thinking with?
The college-guy is wise to keep his distance. You're only going to drag him into a hot mess. Your ex is behaving like a pedophile, and cheating. You better get yourself a full-battery of tests for STD's!
You are indecisive and have the worst judgement in character, to repeatedly take someone back who blatantly cheats on you; and lies consistently that he'll stop.
There is no love involved in the relationship you have. It's an addiction to the sex, and a taste for drama.
I hope the college-guy completely breaks it off, runs for the hills, and pursues a better romantic-situation. You're not ready until you get your life together.
I'm a gay man too! That's my advice.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2018): Hopefully his new job and less chance to see you will end this revolting set up once and for all. See it as a godsend and a good chance for you to move on.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (13 October 2018):
 This isn't about guarding your heart.
I lost count at 6 times this guy cheated on you!
You have a serious self-esteem issue, and until you actually address that, you will roll over, play dead, be a doormat, make threats and not follow through, and worse yet, you'll cheat and treat others with the same abuse as you've allowed others to do to you.
How does sex feel amazing with someone who shits all over you?? I'd find touching anyone who treated me like that utterly detestable, like having sex with a fresh dog shit.
Stop mistreating the guy you're talking to. You start by BEING the man you want your partner to be. If you're a cheating dog, you'll partner with cheating dogs. Don't date cheaters, and don't BE one. It's not rocket science. You're not "confused".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2018): What are you in love with exactly? What has he got that is so wonderful you keep holding on?
YOU are no better than him, you are letting your dick rule your emotions 'We have amazing sex' well come on what else is he bringing to the table?
I think you have been beaten down and your self confidence is at a low that you think this is all you have, the man at college was your escape but it didn't work out.
In terms of him yes you are letting your dick rule your head and he is taking advantage of you. COME ON you have more integrity than what he has, you would like to move on but you think that must involve replacing him.
You need some time out, time to figure out who you are, time out to be young, to be free and to be single, embrace it don't be afraid of it, because you ARE absolutely dragging yourself down being involved with this low life and you know it!! You feel ashamed of giving into him because you know it isn't right. He will end up walking away and you will learn the hard way, or YOU take control of your pride and dignity and you let him go. You are young, trust me in a few years time he will be a memory and one you will be pleased to have let go. He is dragging you down, you wrote in for a reason and that was advice and I am giving it to you, you are worth MORE!!!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 October 2018):
 Have some standards.
- For how you LET others treat you and for HOW you treat others.
- For what you believe you WANT in a relationship and what you don't.
THEN stick to it.
You said your (now) ex, keep "inboxing other people. And it hurt your feelings.... SO WHY on Earth would you stick by him? Because you thought he would change?
IT IS NOT your job to teach a partner how to be a decent human being. And yes, a DECENT human being would know that you DON'T "inbox", "sext" "insert whatever inappropriate behavior" when you have a partner. a DECENT human being would know it hurt when your partner is basically cheating. whether it's emotional, for ego rubs only or physical... CHEATING is CHEATING.
You even "tried" to forgive him for physically cheating on you. And where did that lead? To him keep doing whatever HE wants to do and putting YOU at risk for STD's and a broken heart.
So in the future, DO NOT let bad behavior slide.
IF you CAN NOT trust your partner or potential partner to BE a decent person, then you have ZERO foundation for a healthy relationship.
Now you DO paint yourself as some helpless victim, but you are NOT. You ALLOWED the shit with your ex to continue. You STILL do. YOU give him ALL this power over you.
Honey, his penis is NOT a magic wand, OK? And all his "promises" to stop being a asshat are just WORDS. Words to appease you. YOU know that.
As for the new guy, I don't see a relationship in the future here. He might have liked you a lot in the beginning but I don't think he wants more then friendship, and since you LIKE him more than for friendship you might be "wasting" your time on him. He might also have pulled back DUE to all your ex-BF drama. Honestly, no one wants to get in the middle of THAT kind of drama.
As for your ex... stop being his bitch. Seriously. He has NOTHING to offer you except his dick and perhaps an STD or two. Don't you think you are worth more then to be USED by your ex?
WANT more for yourself.
RESPECT yourself more.
I think you know what to do... you just (for now) CHOOSE not to take the harder path.
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