A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have come here before and I have gotten some great insight in my love problems and found the main issue is “blaming” myself if anything goes down. This blaming comes in work - in friends - in relationship sexual and non sexual .. the moment something is a red flag or something goes wrong I am saying “I’m sorry” or I’ll do this instead or whatever it is because I become anxious and paranoid I did something wrong and I lose controlThis affects me more in relationships because men ?(The smart ones ) have figured out how to be very manipulative of the situation and take advantage of my niceness I am not sure where this has stemmed from? I grew up in a broken home and my mother and father were verbally abusive and competitive - but I honestly do not care for them or feel much for them I lack confidence but I’m always just worried about looking him - or her - or the job or this or that and the ironic part is most of the people/opportunities looking back having been bad (meaning I shouldn’t have wasted energy on)Any tips?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2018): People who are passive in nature will avoid conflict at all costs. They'll always surrender to the situation. As long as they don't have to straighten their backs in defiance, and have to enforce their rights, or exert their will against other people. It keeps them perpetually in the safety-zone; and constantly under everyone's approval. They love to be complimented for how gracious and kind they are. It's not real kindness; because it's a defense-mechanism. Phony!
Very similar to the false-modesty and excessive politeness in ancient Asian society. Bowing and admitting fault to show humility. Still practiced in Japan to show class and good etiquette; but very much phony, regardless. Modern-society does not respect it as much as they once did. Same happens in the Christian religion. Turning the other cheek reduces tension, and will diffuse conflict. That wise doctrine was never intended that we allow people to crush us under their heels. It wasn't a command to be foolish. The Israelites or Jews fought many battles to preserve their nation! It was done in accordance to God's will and with His assurance of victory!
You mentioned you come from a conflicted and competitive upbringing; which conditioned you to lay low. Necessary to stay under the radar and stay out of trouble. The kind of people you described your parents to be; usually bully their children, and force them to take sides. That forces you to always try and stay in the neutral-zone; or bend to the will of whomever seems to be the more dominant. All you wanted was their love and approval. To feel safe and accepted. You were only an innocent child.
Your apologies are nothing more than a reflex-action to cover your tender-spots. Like shielding your face with your hands or forearms. Hiding your privates in modesty. Always waving the white-flag in surrender, and yielding to conquest. You can't live like that. No matter how nice you are. Thank God for angels for protection; but you also have to wear armor and have strength! It's to survive!
Trying to be agreeable is a normal human-response, and it is very diplomatic; as long as you don't do it in each and every matter of conflict, or disagreement. You have rights, values, and needs. You have a right to existence, and to protect yourself. You have to face-up to your enemies and transgressors. That doesn't always require aggression or anger. Just tact and courage. oh, and some smarts!
I don't believe you're as nice, as you are afraid of people. Afraid to arouse anger or contempt, or to be confronted. You get immediate approval when you accept blame; because that appeals to the sense of entitlement and vanity of most people these days. They back-down, and let you take all the blame. Knowing they're wrong.
People who do that are lacking in moral-fiber and integrity. Feeling proud of their beat-down. Taking authority over you, in spite of your rights. They'll treat you even worse the next-time. Knowing there will be no consequences.
Oh, don't you go faulting men for that! Nor can you put all the blame on your family history. Once we go out into the real-world, we have to grow-up; and develop some tools for survival. There is a difference between being nice, and avoiding disagreement or dodging conflict. Your kind of nice means you quickly surrender, and will allow the other person to prevail; even if they are 100% wrong! Then you turn around and claim to be victimized and intimidated. Feeling defeated or defenseless.
I'm often told that I'm nice. I know what nice is. It's being kind and generous, showing patience, godliness, and forgiveness. That's true nice. I can also assert myself, but with reason and fairness. It takes practice and much courage; because I'm scared most of the time. It doesn't always end as I wanted it to; but I gain some traction, and respect just by standing-up for myself. The next go-round may not be as hard; because they know I won't back-down easily. They give me my deserved apology! We go forward!
Always assuming blame is like Code Warrior says, it is cowardly. Always wanting to be on everyone's good-side. Trying to appear to be angelic, and always in a state of martyrdom. You are well-practiced at it, because for the most part it keeps the peace. However, your rights get trampled; you receive no respect, and you can't trust anyone.
Always maintain your spirit of kindness, fair-play, and be humble. Just know when people show you disrespect, or are at fault for what happens to you; place the responsibility where it belongs. Accept their disapproval, but understand that their disapproval is inappropriate to the situation. You must demand their respect and to be treated properly. You have to withstand the angry glares, feel the tension, and deflect it; because your only alternative is to feel as you do right now. You wrote us for advice; so here it is.
If men take advantage of you. You let them. You can always dump them, and move on. In life and dating, you have to go through a process of selection, trial, and error. Life is about challenges and overcoming obstacles. Learning by experience, and developing tools of interaction and defense; while living among the human race. Building character and keeping the spirit pure.
You are as entitled to live happily and safely as anybody else, sweetheart. You deserve respect, and need to set boundaries in self-protection; or you will be gobbled-up by this world. You're not a child anymore. Mom and dad are no longer in your way; but the world is just outside that door, and you have to live in it. You have as much right to succeed, find happiness, and prosper as anybody out there!
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2018): I have a similar problem to you but so different. I don't accept blame but I am constantly being blamed for things that I didn't do. I used to think that something was wrong with me because why am I so always accused of things, it felt like I had to be doing something wrong since this happened way too often. This has been going on since childhood and still does sometimes. My sister and I joke that if I ever am anywhere close to an area and later on that same day a crime is committed in that area I will surely be arrested. She knows I am falsely accused often because many times I've been accused of things I didn't even know happened but she knew about and knew I wasn't even around for. I have been accused of so much in my life from petty stuff during playtime with cousins to big things about sexual relationships and many things in between. The truth sometimes come out and other things it's up to a person to just believe what they choose to believe because often times there is no way to prove or disprove things that are said about you.You need to stand up for yourself because as much as I've been accused of I never let someone drag me down and admit to being something or someone that I am not and doing things that I know is untrue. I'll admit to something and accept blame if I did it because it is important to own up to your mistakes and try to be better moving forward. People are going to believe what they want but you have to be your own advocate. I can say that there are probably people that still believe things that I've been accused of but I live better with myself knowing that I didn't let them shame me into something that I know wasn't true. The people that truly matter to me knows that I am one of the most loyal and trustworthy people that they will ever know and will do anything for those that I love. Never give people power over you because it will do nothing for you and in their mind validate any negative thoughts they have of you. If one wants to think you're a screw up, liar, or whatever you're being accused of and if it's not true speak up. Like I said they'll believe what they want but at least you're not accepting being treated like a person that isn't you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2018): You went the opposite of your parents behaviour and you avoid confrontation. Your body language and the way you talk will automatically show people you are like this.I have a friend who when first getting to know her came across this way and she had recently left an abusive relationship. She has learned to become ASSERTIVE not AGRESSIVE. It takes practice but if you honestly know you are not in the wrong learn to be assertive and the next time say 'I feel that I am not in the wrong here and I feel there is no apology to be made' or something along those lines. Look up assertive behaviour as opposed to aggressive and look up ways to talk in an assertive way. How about maybe taking up a hobby like Karate or Judo, where you learn to be disciplined and practice assertive techniques to build up your confidence or maybe even self defence classes to gain more confidence.It is NEVER too late to make changes too who we are, it is not set in stone that we have to be a certain way. If you feel men control you maybe stay single for a while and look at gaining some self confidence and ways in which you can do that. I wish you all the best and remember you broke your parents bad behaviour at you, you chose to not be like them. Love yourself and look at ways to be more confident x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (11 October 2018):
 I think has more to do with you ability to deal with conflict rather than low confidence, but confidence pay a part in it.
You don't like confrontations. You don't have the confidence to STAND by your choice, action or words.
So it's a bit of both. I think.
LEARN from the past mistakes.
LEARN to say what you mean and mean what you see, REGARDLESS of what the other person thinks you should do, feel, say... (not saying that you shouldn't LISTEN to others but rather that you need to learn to TRUST that you ARE capable of making your OWN choices, just as THEY are making theirs.)
Sometimes you might BE in the wrong and THAT is OK too! But try not to presume that YOU are always in the wrong.
So WHEN things go sideways, talk things through, THINK them through before jumping to the conclusion that you HAD to be wrong.
Work on your confidence. Find things you are good at and then work on getting better than you are. Let's say your hobby is taking pictures and you have a great eye but perhaps not so great with the lighting... TAKE a class. EXCEL. Then TAKE how you feel when you have done something REALLLLLLY good and apply that to the rest of your life, yes, it means FAKE it til you make it in some cases.
You can do it!
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