A
female
age
36-40,
*amela H.
writes:So I have typed the problems me and my husband are having and I have tried to help our relationship so much and so far it hasn't worked. I have suggested to go to a councilor or a pastor and he said it probably wouldn't work. And it wouldn't I think. We are open with each other and I ask questions just in case. So he's honest, but I doubt I can do what a councilor could do. I bet if he went without me to a councilor he would open up to them more than he would me. But I would have to push him to go. He wouldn't go on his own. He has better things to be doing. He always works in the garage. I knew this when I met him but he always made time for me. Now if we go canoeing or somewhere else he'll say he'd rather be working in the garage. He could have got this,this, and this done... How rude. I try different fun things to do together and he always gets mad at something. I know in the future I can find someone that wants to do fun things on the side from working. He's all about money and he always finds ways to make it. Like scrapping(when prices were up) and fixing cars up when he gets them(rare) and sells them, or gets cars and sells some parts off them. It would be fine if he made a small part of time to spend with me without getting mad about something. He gives the excuse that he was working on mowers when he was 11 years old and he says he matures faster and now he's grumpy like an old man. I can believe that with some people but not him. Also he says staring at girls is a condition. Like a disease. I can believe that too. But he also compliments them too. I'm standing right there. It's rude. I would have not an issue with him looking cause all men do but he compliments them ad he never does to me when I dress up and look cute. It makes me feel low about my body. Like it's not good enough for him. He has made fun of girls about their chubbiness, celulite, and stretch marks. I have all those. I'm not huge but I'm a tini chubbier than when we met. I don't look bad though. He says nothing. It makes me self conscience about my own body. I like having sex with him but dimmed light. I'm afraid if he sees my body he might be grossed out and comment bad to me. Or give a gross look. I'm working on myself and loose weight to please him. He said as long as I'm happy with myself I can look however I want. And I would say that your not happy with me and he agrees. He's not attracted to me anymore. I used to be out and about with hobbies and he makes himself so busy we don't go. And if I go with someone else he wants to go and gets mad that I go without him. Then I don't live it down with him wanting to go and I left him. I'm tired of him getting mad when we do go. Something small pisses him off quick. Like example; My friend used to invite me to go to the bar on Sunday to shoot pool for free. I'm not a huge drinker so I don't go for that. Well, my husband got mad I was going without him so I said he can go if he wanted and when we went he got bored and wanted to leave early. And when he shot pool he would cuzz if it didn't go his way. Throwing a tantrum is embarrassing. Even when your not a kid. Makes me look bad cause I'm with him. So anyways, the next time my friend invited me and him he said he's not a bar person and not a drinker. So I stayed with him being bored when I really wanted to go visit my friend and shoot pool. We are seperating not divorcing just yet. This might be good for us or it might not be. I told him if he wants me to stay tell me, stop me from leaving. He said he doesn't want me to go but he can't show me. He doesn't put effort into it. I'm leaving cause I got treated crappy. I've been good to him that's the only reason he wants me to stay. He says he probably wont find another chick,who would want to go for him,he says. I think the only thing he has a problem with me is I have no job. He gets paid well enough for me not to but I had one when we were dating and it wasn't good enough for him. I was happy. He wasn't. So I looked for a better one and it wasn't enough pay and it was less than 40 hours a week. Varies. That wasn't good enough. Also it was so hard that at the end of the day I wanted to get off my feet and right when I sat down when I got home he got mad there was no dinner or the house was out of order. I think if your both working you should both help out with dinner or the house. He expected me to do everything. It was so hard. He never appreciated anything I did but pointed out what I haven't done. So eventually I stopped that job for something better. So then I didn't have to hear him yell at me. So this seperation could go any way. He said he might not want me back. He's been staring down women lately and complimenting them, and being mean to me. He says I shouldn't get any money either since I'm leaving. Yet when we got together he had bills due and our money we got at our wedding from my family(not his) went to those bills. Every time I got money I would pay as much gas for our cars and bills so when he got paid he'd want to get a toy(car). I kept us out a debt cause he doesn't care, as he said. We closed our bank account and he kept the money in it and he cashed his check from work and since I can't have any money to start me out in life he started to spend it on the parts for fixing a car and not rent. I haven't moved out yet. But I was in charge of the account cause he would blow it all if he was in charge, so I kept the temptation away! He has already spent most of this check and usually I would let him buy so much at a time so we could still pay rent and bills. He doesn't have enough now. He likes to spend money when he gets it. I know if later on we decide to get back together he'll be in debt again. I don't want to get back with him deep down but if we can try to fix this I will put the effort in it too. He doesn't know what the work effort means or to try. He doesn't care about anything but himself. Awhile back he wanted to be with me and then we dated and he stopped caring now that he has me. I know there's people who care more and would love me for me. So I'd rather move out and divorce if it comes down to it then move on. I never cared in the past to look for a guy. So that's not what I would do(look) I'd rather get away and get my happiness back if I can. Sorry so long. I need to vent!
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debt, divorce, get back together, money, move on, moved out, stretch marks, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2009): wow - ok in England we have paragraphs and they are soo good n long texts... anyway sorry, not the point.
I totally agree with you - you deserve better. I will type that again - you deserve better. And as I am in England -
YOU DESERVE BETTER.
There are millions of men out there - find someone who want to share and reciprocate, not one who prefers you to be in the passenger seat, but one who wants you to drive.
Star.x.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (11 July 2009):
 In case other people read this who are in your situation. Answer this: No matter how much he worked and made money, even if he made a bunch of it, NO amount of money can replace quality time spent between the married couple?
It sounds as if he's become a fixture in the home, and not a participant. This comes from (1) if it's not working, why try. (2) depression, low self esteem, fear of failure. etc. He's become emotionally detached from the marriage. Counseling doesn't always help, but it's not just for picking at your brain. Counseling can be used for ideas. I've counseled relationships and this story I tell often, cause of the amazing outcome. A married couple I worked with, he worked all the time, she felt neglected. They were considering divorce. I had them take one evening a week, get a sitter and spend 2 hours together. No discussion of kids, or bills, just enjoying the time spent. I received a letter from them, 2 hours a week literally saved their marriage. A simple concept, that works.
I am worried about when you were working, and he expected so much to be done without assisting. My fiance said when we move in together, I'm not going to do anything, and she will do it all. I said "thanks but no thanks." When I see something needing done, I do it myself, and would feel handicap if I just sat around saying, "this and that" needs done. I can wash dishes, clean, vacuum and do laundry.
This behavior he had with you was controlling, and inappropriate. I can see this other behaviors stemming off a form of control as well. It's almost like saying, "I'm going to do what I want, and you're going to do what I want."
I'd recommend, if not counseling, a relationship expert. If this marriage were to work, new boundaries need be established, and a true understanding of how relationships work and what marriage is really about needs redeveloped. If it doesn't work out, I hope you redevelop who you are, build your self esteem and be happy again, before entering into another relationship. Reasons being, who you are is what you have to offer. If you don't rebuild what you've lost then you have a decreased level of yourself to offer someone else.
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