A
female
age
41-50,
*ophie45
writes:I got married 2 months ago with this guy and we have a 2 month old baby. I was working for the last 5 years.He told me to stop working to take care of the baby. I spent my time cooped up in the house taking care of the baby, cooking, cleaning. He pays the bills and buys the groceries, diapers. 2 months has passed I realized I also have my personal necessities and he wasn't giving me any money. So I told him the other day can I have some spending money or allowance. He immediately got all worked up and upset, he said what do i need money for, he said he's already paying the bills, I should have some savings , he said that I should in fact be helping him with the bills with the money that i saved working for 5 years.( even tho I'm not working now). sometimes i say I'm tired of taking care of the baby he tells me if you want a break, go find your own babysitter.he didn't even want to pay the co-pay of my hospital bill from delivering the baby from a c-section. He says he doesn't have enough money,he has a 10 year old daughter that he gives child support to out of a previous marriage.But I feel that he is being unfair, I don't want to keep on spending my savings, in case I want to leave him, then I have some money for me and my son so I am not penniless.because suddenly i am starting to have the urge to leave. I worked hard for my money.If I keep on spending my savings, it will soon run out, I feel upset, I feel like I am being controlled by him, it is unfair that I have to rake out my savings as spending money when i had to give up working to take care of our son, while he makes about 4000 / month.I don't have access to his money whatsoever, we don't have a joint account. before we got married I even asked him how much he makes a month, he didn't want to answer and got upset. what kind of marriage is this if we're going to be constantly be like this, pointing out to each other u pay for this, no, you pay for it, etc. I just don't feel romantic at all I haven't spoken to him since he yelled at me. He says this is just temporary, that I will eventually be working and that I need to help out pay the bills, that he doesn't want to pay all the bills permanently. I feel like I'm not treated as his wife, he keeps all his money.while he keeps mentioning that my saved money should be used to pay the bills, and that we are one.
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female
reader, natasia  +, writes (18 June 2011):
 I am so sorry that you feel like this. Saying that he is selfish and unhelpful and unkind doesn't really help you, though (which he is, unfortunately). I'm afraid he is setting the pattern for how he wants things to be - you take responsibility for practical care of the baby, and he controls the money. This isn't a new thing ... this is what prompted the sexual revolution and feminism, really. Women had had enough of being treated like that - and, sadly, you now too are experiencing the same thing.
You also are going through hormonal changes, and it is a big big thing, recovering from the birth and having a small baby to look after. It is such a big challenge, but it sounds like despite everything, you are doing really well, and your little baby loves you forever, you know. Don't feel sad. These feelings of sadness and almost being afraid for your baby when you look at him - this is normal. This is every mother's protective instinct. I feel the same when I look at my children, and it is particularly strong when they are small. I look at my daughter and I want to cry because she is so precious. So what I am saying is that part of what you feel isn't because your husband is so unhelpful, but because mothers just feel like that in the first few months/years when they look at their babies.
Stop thinking about changing your life, and divorce, right now. It isn't the time. Focus on your baby and yourself. Expect nothing from your husband, and think how he is only missing out. Feel sorry for him. It is his loss. You have to rise above this, and be gracious. Or, you have to have it out with him and insist he shares the care of the baby. One or the other. But don't stress yourself with divorce. For now, you are going through a difficult time, but will come through it, and then you can think about the future. For now, commit to where you are, and focus on your baby.
But the hospital bill, etc, was very unchilvalrous. I think you need to sort the money out - tell him you need more each week, so you have enough to cover all your expenses. If he doesn't give it, don't cook his dinner.
xx
A
female
reader, sophie45 +, writes (16 June 2011):
sophie45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm not saying that that I want him to spend all his savings on me.. what I'm saying is that, he doesn't want to give me any money to pay my hospital bills after I just had his baby, or for a babysitter to give me a nice break sometimes or for us to go out and have a date night, or money to give as a present for a friend's graduation party, or money to buy feminine napkins, tampons,or cotton balls, a lipstick or two, or some money to go out with a friend for a simple dinner occasionally, or for money for driving classes ( because I dont drive which restricts me );and he is working, while I'm not. I had to give up working and invest all my time, love and effort on our joint son,saving day care cost or nanny fees. I think that watching the baby alone is already hard work, because it is 24 hours, I am cooped up in the house, I don't have time for myself to work out / exercise or go out occasionally, I'm not earning a cent doing this job;I dont get to talk /interact with anybody and when he comes home he is not loving/smiling and only talks to the baby but doesn't talk to me,and I also have his dinner ready when he comes home ;he eats then when it's late he goes to bed without saying anything to me; and I have to get up many times during the night to attend to the baby, I have sleepless nights,disrupted sleep and I don't get to take a nap during the day to make up for it because the baby needs a lot of attention; the baby will nap a few minutes but then wake up from time to time and wants to be held and cuddled, fed, changed and sometimes the baby will fuss for a long time. It is hard. I think if he is a man he shouldn't even be bringing up my savings which isn't much to begin with and that i worked hard for before I got married into the picture.And as a woman we need some sort of security money.But anyway I just ended up paying the hospital bill from my own pocket, even though he said he felt sorry for me to see me suffer so much during labor,I labored for 20 hours and endure excruciating pain only to end up having a c-section. if he really did feel sorry for me the least he could do is pay the bill of 300 dollars if he is a supportive husband. I cant help but feel sorry for myself I feel very sad that I should have to experience this when I should be enjoying my time with the baby and I cry to myself many times while Im holding my 2 month baby,he looks so innocent and sweet he didn't do anything wrong he didn't ask to be born i feel sorry for him while his mama is holding him and crying; I am thinking I shouldn't have married this man,seems like money is more important than our relationship i cant live like this and divorce has crossed my mind and I am scared about it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Well first follow some advice on here, discuss it with him (don't let him make you feel guilty) and try to reach a mutual agreement.Only thing I really want to mention is don't eat into your savings. It could be the stress of the new baby etc that's causing this but it's also a warning sign that he's very controlling. Imagine how you'll feel if this gets worse, you have no savings left and couldn't leave the marriage even if you wanted to. Also I don't mean to offend but even now you're marriage doesn't sound overly strong. If he simply won't agree then although it's not ideal - go and get a job, see how he reacts. If he's ok with it he's probably just cheap. If he's dead against it then anon could be right in that he wants you to be financially dependant on him to trap you in the marriage. At the very least it's another red flag that he gets some kick out of being totally in control.
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female
reader, celtic_tiger +, writes (16 June 2011):
 I feel there is a lot of miscommunication going on here. Neither of you wants to talk or listen to the other, you both think you are right - whereas in fact you BOTH need to move to a central ground.
What are your personal necessities? Can these things not be purchased with the weekly grocery shop? Or are we talking 'luxuries' things you want, but don't need?
He cannot begrudge you living essentials, but if its just that you want to go and splurge on a shopping spree, then no, he doesnt have to pay for that.
Perhaps he worries that given free reign on the plastic, there wouldnt be much money left?
From what you have said, your money is your own, and his money is yours. That is not an equal partnership.
You seem intent on having a 'backup plan' which suggests you do not see a future with this man. How would you feel if he had an account with money in 'just in case he wanted to divorce you'?? If he feels that you dont really love him, and are only after what he can give you, maybe he feels resentful. He may think you will stash the money he gives you and then at a set time in the future, you will be gone. Taking your child with you. (Which IS what you are planning). As he already has one failed marriage and a child he doesnt really see on a daily basis, he may be scared the same thing will happen with you. Perhaps his ex was reckless with money and he is worried about history repeating itself. Divorce can make men wary about women and money.
Right now he earns a set wage, out of that he pays the bills, the groceries, and buys nappies. He also pays child support to his daughter (which will be calculated on his monthly rate, NOT how much is left over after bills)........... to be perfectly frank, there probably isnt much left over for 'spending money'. So, where are HIS savings? Where is HIS 'rainy day fund'?? Oh yes, you want to have it to spend on you. (whilst hoarding your own savings)... can you see how unfair this is? A marriage is a partnership, and you expect him to put in 100% financially whilst you wont surrender your own savings.
Sorry, but that isnt fair.
I understand you feel miserable and frustrated. Not being able to have all the things you want does make you sad sometimes. I know you are not working at the moment, but that means on one salary you cannot afford luxuries, and yes, life can be hard. You dont get to have everything you want. You have to understand that there are times when you cant have everything.
It sounds like you are used to being a working woman and now you are bored at home with the baby.
If you still feel like this in a few months, once the child is old enough you can look into child care and go and get a job. That way you will be earning your own money, and be independant, get out into the real world rather than being cooped up. BUT - you have to remember how much child care costs. This could be a huge proportion of any money you actually earn.
I agree with RedAthena - you may be suffering from the baby blues, or postnatal depression. It is more common than you think, and can scramble your logic. Go talk to your Doctor or nurse about how you are feeling. You need to go and talk this through with someone professional. They will be able to give you advice and help guide you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): i'm going to go out on a limb here and be the only one to slightly and respectfully disagree. the way this comes across to me is that your money is only yours, but his money belongs to both of you. in other words, it's almost like you saying "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine." i think that you should pitch in your savings to help out. why not? you're a team. and you're married. sounds like the only reason you're holding out is for your own benefit so you can leave him if you so decide. imagine how that must make him feel. no wonder he's upset. he's working his ass off to support you two, while you're not willing to spend a penny of your own money so you can possibly use it to haul ass on him. very unsettling. i do see your point of view, don't get me wrong. but i definitely see why he's upset.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): I am in the exact same situation as you and make me tell u what I found out. I found out my husband was trying to control me and had women he was spending the money on behind my back. Even my own savings he used to give to these women and now my savings has run out. Listen, you need to look out for u and your child. Do Not Listen to Him. Be cautious and keep your eyes open. I know it can be hard because these type of men are so persuasive and know how to make u feel guilty just for asking a question about money and why your not getting any, but you have to stand up and say "what's up?".
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (16 June 2011):
 Sophie, since you baby is so young, it is possible that you could be feeling some postpartum depression. If possible, talk to your Dr. about the signs.
You are in a very difficult decision, but what he is offering is far from equality. So, your account is "ours" but his account is "his"?
Take care of your copay and start making a plan how to gain control back in your life-IE, job, your OWN income, etc.
Do you have family or friends around that you can confide in?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): I am sorry to hear that. But I don't know how you didn't realized that before you move in?? I mean, I can not blame you but the love is sooo blind!!
Find a job and put the "love" beside all this situation. He is using you. He has everything in you. Don't let him abuse you. Be smart!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): Hi Dear, it is clear that you need to be allowed to recover and enjoy this precious baby time. Try and get someone else involved like a good friend of his who will talk to him gently. He does need to understand that it is terrible to be put through this type of stress after having a child and you are a woman. Woman are more physically delicate than men. (Even the toughest ones!). He should be treating you like his wife I agree. So he can get some perspective on things I really feel you must get someone else to talk to him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2011): he sounds like he really resents you for whatever reason and is trying to control you. Was this baby planned or did he not want it? Did you pressure him into having this baby or into marriage? I'm not saying it's your fault but people don't change overnight into monsters whereas before they were the perfect soul mate.men feel 'castrated' when they 'have' to support women and children that they don't want to, they feel like the woman is running their lives. So they retaliate by being controlling themselves, saying no you can't have any money this is MY money. maybe his first marriage was like that or maybe his first wife stole his money or cleaned him out so now he's paranoid and keeping his money separate from you. doesn't mean what he's doing is right, but maybe explains it.another reason is that he's just a controlling and insecure person in general so he's trying to control you. Maybe he's paranoid about you leaving him so he is deliberately making you be financially dependent on him to ensure you stay in this marriage. If so, this is a very dangerous position to be in for you. clearly this isn't a marriage based on trust and mutual agreement or partnership. whatever is the case, you best start making plans to be financially independent. please get some assistance from friends or family if you can, like with babysitting or borrowing money for a babysitter. or you can file for divorce, and borrow money from friends and family to hire a good divorce lawyer who will make sure he pays up child support to help you with babysitting while you get a job.
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female
reader, sophie45 +, writes (15 June 2011):
sophie45 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhi natasia, red athena and so very..thanks for ur reply; i've been feeling really unhappy, i had a co-pay of 275 dollars, he wants me to pay for it; i don't even know how to discuss money with him, he gets upset immediately and he makes me feel guilty by saying that we should be one, that my savings should also be his and that would help pay for the bills. he acted like i was being outrageous and ridiculous in asking for an allowance.we were living together for 2 and a half years he was the one who wanted to move in he told me to just pay half the rent and he'll pay for groceries. now he's using that to spite me that i hardly paid for anything back then.i dont want a divorce for the sake of our child but i dont know how to approach him. seems like he's holding on to his money and i don't have any access at all he thinks that he's already doing a lot by paying the bills and i should be grateful for that.i've been crying because of this instead of enjoying my time with my baby
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 June 2011):
 Time to find a job. Honestly, if you don't get some kind of independance back (financially) you will only grow more resentful and unhappy. Take Charge, hun.
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female
reader, natasia +, writes (15 June 2011):
This is very difficult behaviour on his part, and I am really sorry you are having to cope with this, at a time when he should be loving and supporting you as a new mother (to his child).
You're right, the fact that he is earning, and paying the bills, doesn't mean it is fair for him to give you no day to day spending money. There is a deal, here: you aren't earning, because you are working at home, looking after your joint baby. He would have to pay half the bills, anyhow, so all he is contributing over his 'share' is your share of the bills, which you can't pay, as you are looking after the baby.
And no, I don't think you should eat into your savings - because your joint living expenses should ideally be covered by your joint income. This is what he doesn't get. A joint income is what comes into the house, even if only one person is bringing it in. If he wants you to 'share' your savings, then he should also totally share what he brings in. He can't have it both ways. If he wants to only pay the bills, and keep all the rest for himself, then you are entitled to keep all your savings. But there is a difference between income and savings. He gets more each month, and can replace what he spent - but you have no way of replacing anything you take from your savings, because you can't earn, because ... your contribution to the joint household is looking after your joint child.
I can see how he doesn't get this, but actually he is going to have to get it if he wants to be married. Married means sharing it all, or agreeing what you are going to keep separate. The way he is talking is making you feel trapped, and actually him as well - he feels he is trapped into all the finanical responsibility, and you want him to provide everything, and keep 'your money' safe and untouched - you just want access to his. He just doesn't see that you are sacrificing your financial independence to look after your joint child. You need to make this really clear to him.
I don't think, though, you should put your tiny baby in day care and get a job. You shouldn't sacrifice your precious time with your new baby, just so you can feel 'free'. You should work this out with your new husband. It is a fundamental part of your life together. Marriages often fail over money matters.
You both need to work out a way of letting you be a mother, without feeling like a loser and begging for cash, and without him feeling like somehow he is doing everything and you nothing.
Why don't you work out an amount that he could save, separately and for himself, if he wants, each month, and then say that the rest of his income pays for the bills and is shared between you both for daily living? That way he has some of his money safeguarded, and he accepts that the rest of it is his contribution to the shared pot (which is not just money, but also time and love - what you are giving).
This is a complicated thing, and needs careful handling. Good luck and I hope it works out ok.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (15 June 2011):
It sounds like you got married to someone without really knowing him.
There are different kinds of abuse. Witholding information and access to a joint account for necessities as a married couple is a form of abuse. He is controlling you.
Time to go back to work, get a sitter/daycare, get family/friend emotional support and get back your life.
He is just "allowing" you to be his child's Mother. You deserve a life too.
Best Wishes.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 June 2011):
 put the baby in daycare and get a job and then save every penny you can...
I actually ended my first marriage over partially this issue
he did not want me working
he would not give me money
i was a SAHM and he was the lord and master.
ummm NO... thanks....
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 June 2011): He sounds controlling. What you should do is go get a part-time job somewhere it doesn't matter where and find a nanny to babysit while you work. That way you can have your spending money and he can just shove his money where the sun don't shine. And if that ticks him off that you got a job then he is trying to control you and keep you confined and you should leave him. Taking care of a baby is a full time job and if he wanted you to stay home and take care of the baby then he should be able to give you a little money to go out and treat yourself.
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