A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have been with my partner Julie for seven years and we have a son aged five.We have been very happy for most of the times but the last 6 weeks have been hell.Julie started drinking heavily just before xmas. Her attitude towards her family and me has changed beyond belief and now i am at my wits end as to what to do.We go out 3 to 4 times a week but Julie never knows when she has had enough. It could be 1 or 2am when I say we should leave but Julie wants to carry on drinking. I could leave her as usually i have to up at 7am to get to work but i am scared that she will either injure herself or someone will take advantage of totally wasted state.Usually i stay with her then get her home and go straight to work. My friends and family say that by being weak, this situation will only worsen but i care and love her so much that i cannot just walk away. If I leave her will she wake up to what we both could lose ?When drunk she is abusive towards me and thinks i am a wet blanket because i do not get totally legless like her. She can be very hurtful and once said you didn't love me now more. She now wants me to move out but i think once i am gone that will be the end.We have a nice home, good incomes and a lovely son.I know i need to be stronger but all i do is cry and want things as they were.What should i do for the best ?Any advice appreciated ~ thank you
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiona BIG thank you to all that replied to my questions !!
A
female
reader, howcomehoney  +, writes (30 January 2008):
 The reason she thinks you and your family are against her when she's drunk is because deep down, she knows what she's like when she drinks. She's projecting her opinion of herself onto you, and to be honest, it probably shows that you share it a little.
Don't leave her, don't walk away from her - just talk to her honestly about her drinking and ask why she's doing it. Tell her that you're worried about her because you feel that if she were happy she wouldn't need to be drowning her sorrows like that.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone who took the time to reply to my problem.
This weekend wasn't so bad and we had a good time out together with friends. Although her drinking was still
quite excessive, she was good fun and not abusive towards me at all. I managed to get her home by about 2am without falling out with her.
I told a friend that i had posted a question on this website and they said that i should mention that she often enjoys a spliff or two. This is not a daily habit (as far as i know) but my mate says this can make you paranoid. Julie certainly thinks that me and her family are against her when shes drunk. Could this be adding to the booze problem ?
Another possibility that i thought of was, that maybe she blames me for her lost youth. We were both very young when our son was born and maybe she blames me for the heavy responsibility of being a parent.
I thought we were happy but the past 6-7 weeks have been hell. Today i feel i need to make her realise what she, or we, could lose by her excessive drinking but i know i am not strong enough to stay away for a few days let alone a whole week. My friend keeps saying i have to be cruel to be kind but i do not feel i have the strength or the confidence (she might not want me back) to stand up and walk away when she is this other person.
Any advice greatly appreciated - thank you
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A
female
reader, howcomehoney +, writes (28 January 2008):
She just suddenly started drinking six weeks ago? That's weird. What happened to trigger it? There must have been something.
You need to sit her down and tell her that she has a problem. It has to come out into the open. If she wants to go to a bar, refuse to go with her. Tell her you love her and you have no desire to watch her ruin her own life, along with your son's.
I know it's hard to walk away from someone in a bar and leave them to fend for themself, but it's the only way to get the message across. If you don't say anything, the situation will escalate. You have to talk to her about this.
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A
male
reader, Richard_EMids +, writes (28 January 2008):
 Ok hold your ground. Don't move out. If she wants to move out that's her choice. This isn't good. You should mentally prepare yourself for break up.
You neeed to think through the possibilities. Most importantly, who is going to have your son. Don't automatically think it's her. This could be like a mini-Britney situation. Her drinking could get worse, much worse.
Start to visualise life way after break-up. It will help you see how you are going to manage the future. I'm sorry this is happening to you, it must be a nightmare. You can't keep this up forever. You'll lose your job if you're not careful. You are approaching the stage when you are going let her stay drinking and she is going to have to fend for herself. You close your mind. She's probably going to end up in some guys bed, you know that. Might as well face it, because that's where this is probably heading. Look out for yourself and your son. We are all responsible for our own actions. We all make choices. You can't tell someone else what to do and think if they don't want to do it.
Take care
Richard
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A
female
reader, nailglitter18  +, writes (27 January 2008):
 In a case like this, your son is your first and foremost priority. Make sure he's safe.
I think your partner might be insecure for some reason, hence the comment that you "don't love her". Were there any sudden changes in your lives around the time she started drinking? Any defining fights? Loss (financial, familial, etc) and stress or pressure can cause personality changes like this.
When she's sober, make sure she knows that you're in this for the long haul, that you love her and always want to be there. point out that you're worried about her getting hurt, or your son getting hurt. This isn't a good example for him at all. 5 years is a very important, impressionable age, and he needs to see his parents healthy and happy. Point out that, if she can't change for you, that she should at least change for her child- he is the future.
And the most important bit, if you're religious or spiritual, is to pray. Because God - or the Higher Power- or whatever you may call him/her/it - is there for us. He has a reason for everything that happens, even if we can't see it right now.
Good luck, let us know how it works out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2008): I think you need to get your wife to realise that her dringking is getting a bit out of control. Tell her your scared and worried that things are getting to be a problem.
If she is an acoholic, sounding a bit like it, then she and you will need some help. Perhaps you could seek a bit of private couselling or helpline type information to give you some support. She may not at this stage be able to handle something and is turning to drink to drown her sorrows. If her family and your friends have noticed there is now suddenly a problem, perhaps there is some support you could all collectively bring up with her to get her to see that things are getting out of control.
I don't suggest if this is a new issue that you pack your bags and give her an altermatum, but you do need to get real and perhaps be stronger now than ever before. Part of that process and preperation is seeking information and advice from people who know what could be the best way to handle her. All the best, look after your wee boy!
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (27 January 2008):
 Can you think of a reason why the drinking started? ie- can you get her help to overcome that issue so tht the drinking stops? Or does the drinking seem to be random? I would talk to her when she's sober about why she suddenly feels the need to drink so much. Tell her it's affecting you and your son. Maybe she does need the wake up call that leaving her would provide but it would be a catastrophic mistake to leave your son with her if thats what you decide to do. If she can't look after herself she's not going to look after him. Think carefully and consider all your options here. Good luck.
CD
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