A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My father had a risky operation yesterday and when he called me afterwards I was genuinely disappointed that he had survived. I know this sounds truly horrible, but he is a bad person.My parents divorced when I was three after a very turbulent relationship, including times when he tried to rape my mother. When I was 7 my dad went into prison for sexual harrassment charges on school girls. Throughout my teens I hated myself because the fact that I was female caused a huge amount of difficulty and strain on my family (e.g. messy courtcases) due to restrictions on contact my brother and I were alowed with my father. I am now about to turn 20 and after realising a lot of things about my father over the last couple of years I have reduced our relationship to a ten minute phonecall every week or two, seeing him in person only every few months. He is really not right it the head, nearly everything he says is innapropriate or offensive but he doesn't even realise. There has been speculation that he has Asperger syndrome and he had a difficult childhood so in a way I feel sorry for him more than I hate him.I'm not the type of person that likes to stir things up so my dad doesn't even know how little I care for him, but I'm reaching a point now where I'm not happy with how I'm dealing with our relationship but not sure how to change it. I just know that in a few years when I start a family of my own, the thought of him having any physical or verbal communication makes me feel sick. What should I do with our relationship? I feel like a bad person for hating him but he's such a bad person himself that I don't think I really want anything to do with him, but I don't know how to suddenly just say to him how I really feel.Sorry for stupidly long post, thanks for any comments.
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female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 May 2010):
 You may want to keep your relationship with your father at a distant but you need to forgive him for all those wrongs .
It is all in the past and do not let the past rob you of your happiness.Forgiveness will also rid the hatred in your heart.
I believed that no matter how bad a person is, there is some streak of goodness in them.
His near death experience may have changed his outlook. He called you after his risky operations and this shows that he cares for you .
Whatever happened in the past, you should let it go and live in the present.
A
female
reader, IW  +, writes (20 May 2010):
 I had a similar relationship with my father. For not very different reasons. Although I had made clear to him all through my childhood and youth that I didn't like him and was very angry with him. We never talk on the phone but my mum still lives with him so I see him every now and again when I visit her. Just so you know where I'm coming from.
I think you have the right to feel angry and sad. and that you have the right to hate him. Why do you have to feel guilty for not liking him? Does he like you, or is he just using you in some or another way?
You can't change how he acts or what he does, but you can change how you deal with his behavior. If you don't want to talk to him, then don't. Stop answering the phone, but he will continue to call. If you want him to stop calling all together you have to tell him. Be honest but don't over do it. Just say you don't like how he behaves and how he behaved all trough your childhood and that you don't want to play the game and acting like everything is fine anymore. I know it will be tough but if you don't want him in you're life you have to get him out of it yourself. I could take many many years before he will die, and you will still have that feeling in the back of your head that you should have done something, that you should have told him long after he'd be dead.
Feeling sorry for him because he had a bad childhood is human. But just because he had a bad childhood doesn't give him the right to destroy yours or maybe your kids. Remember that.
Good luck.
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