A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am at my ropes end. My fiance asked me to move in with him. I will admit I had a lot of stuff from my previous marriage (I am widowed) when I moved in with him. I was married for 24 years, so take that into account when a couple accumulates things. It's been a couple of years now since I moved in. I gave so much of my stuff to the salvation army or goodwill after the move and prior too with garage sales and auctions. I thought I was did quite well sorting and throwing away stuff. I guess that isn't good enough.He says he wants me, but not all my stuff. He constantly whines I have too much stuff. I mean constant. I have our breezeway lined with storage. He wants all of that gone. He says my office has too much stuff-my office and work station is independent of our shared office. Then he says I have too much books. He says I have too much stuff in our attic. He didn't like that I kept a shirt of my late husband's. That comment really hurt me. I have some of my late husbands momentos stored in the attic. There are ladies I know that have kept a shirt or two of their late husband's. He also says I pack too much stuff when we go on a trip.We recently renovated a shared office. He is over at his desk being all neat and tidy (it drives me crazy). In the morning, I don't even go in there anymore when I use to, because I can't stand it any longer because he'll get on me about something. I go do other things before he leaves. Only then can I let out a sigh of relief and relax again. I work out of the home.Never mind that he buys junky old antique cans and puts them on display and I have to dust all of his stuff. I like things in a case and behind class, less dusting for me.I am really, really trying hard to accommodate him and pick up on some his good habits, but the whining is getting to me. He'll always find something wrong. It's like a form of control. It makes me want to move out and have some semblance of peace and quiet.I think jokingly to myself, once I get everything in order, it will be easier on me to move out since I won't have as much stuff to deal with or pack up.What would you do in this situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2015): My worry dear, is that he is bringing in his own stuff for the house that he owns and yours is crowding out his. That he will always find some fault with whatever you have and he will nag and nitpick at you until you pack it up and either donate it or put it up in the attic. His stuff will end up being the DOMINATE things in the house and yours will dwindle to nothing. Maybe nothing is not a bad thing, because if you decide to move out your mover fees will be a lot less and it won't hurt your pocket book.I totally agree with Garbo's post. He is a neat freak and your stuff is in the way of HIS ORDER. He doesn't have too much leeway to be critical when he, himself brings stuff in for display in the house. It's a two way street, but he wants it to be my way or the highway.From that standpoint, weed out what you really don't want. Keep at it. Donate it, store what you want in the attic. Go through the house and gradually put more of your stuff away in storage boxes that you want to keep.Over time he will notice and wonder what is up.You can't even be in the office with him without him saying something. All his nitpicking is causing you to get uptight. That is not good at all.Personally, I'd be making an exit plan because he sounds like one that will always find some fault with you and not take a good look at himself. Again, remember, it will always be you at fault. That is called trying to control someone!
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (10 April 2015):
 I can see that you're working really hard to sort things out. Well done you :-) It will be well worth it.
It does sound like your fiance has OCD. The best way forward is always to try to see things from each other's point of view, which you're already doing. If you can agree a way forward that you're both happy with, he'll be happy to help you too which will be great.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): There are no flea markets in my area, Anonymous. Thank you for the tip by the way, because I did check. I live in a rural area.
I could do Ebay or an online auction, but I don't want to have to list and take pictures and then mail items out.
The local online rummage sale makes the most sense to me to get rid of items first. I could use Ebay as a last resort.
It will take some work, but I'm determined to get everything under control.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): Do you have car boot sales or flea market things in your area?
You could bring your stuff there to sell and not have neighbours go for a gawk.
I'm in the UK so maybe it's a bit different, but most areas has a weekly/monthly market/car boot sale where people go to sell old things or buy a bargain.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): Thank you for your input So Very Confused.
I will not budge on my books either. I LOVE my books. I would gladly give up my furniture before I give up my books! I also collect cookbooks.
I thought about getting a Kindle, but I paid a dime for some of my books and why pay more for them with a Kindle.
My late husband's shirt is stored in the attic along with other momentos of his. I don't have anything of my late husband's in plain view in the house. I guess it didn't help that both my parents had passed away, so I inherited some of their stuff too. Although, I did a good job of getting rid of a lot of it.
Maybe I should hire an organizer, thrower to help me get this done once and for all.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 April 2015):
 OH I get this.
Personally I think if two people are moving in together that it's better for them to get a new place together vs one moving in to the other's home.
Since you moved in to his place it was incumbent on him to make room for you and incumbent on you to not expect him to house your entire life.
If you have things you want/need to keep that are not currently related to your life, then perhaps you can rent a storage locker and use that to free up your breezeway. OTOH if the stuff is not antique family mementos and you have not opened a box in two years. Throw them out.
In my basement are boxes and boxes of my books. We had planned to get a new bookshelf for them and all our games also in boxes and tubs) I had pared my books down by half when we packed the house up for the renovation. I still have hundreds of books but have started using a kindle for more and more of my books. What i have discovered however is EVERY single box that is down there has been opened and at LEAST one book from each box has been pulled and used over the last three years...He has learned that my BOOKS which drive him nuts are IMPORTANT to me as he sees me down there digging through the boxes on a regular basis and has realized that those things will be a part of my life.
IF you two can't come to a compromise, then perhaps you are one of those couples that needs to keep separate living spaces even after married.
Three years ago my now husband who is the neat/ocd half of our home (to my chaotic collecting ADHD) moved in to my home. We could not and did not want to sell as the house was in bad shape and the market was bad.
Instead my then fiance paid to have the house totally renovated (all floors redone, all walls redone, some work in the kitchen, and a new master bath as well as outdoor work) The reno ran nearly 6 months and cost him over 50k. Therefore when we refinanced the house after getting married (to drop our interest rate) I added him to the deed and the mortgage and made it OUR House not MY house.
He lived here that way for 3 years before he stopped whining that we had to move to OUR Home instead of MY home that he lives in. Finally now he thinks of it as his home too not just my house he moved into.
Part of this moving in together involved my getting rid of 25 years of living in this house... of raising my children in this house, of prior husbands in this house... SO much stuff was donated and thrown out. I cried over some of it we fought over some of it and some of it I stood my ground and told him to SUCK it up. What were those things? Pictures of my children and family and my mothers extensive collections of glassworks (including her depression glass)
He can't stand clutter or collections or stockpiling. I can't stand stark empty or risking running out of things.
He has learned to live with SOME of my clutter
I have learned to only replace something when I get down to 1/4 left or if there is a sale. We compromise.
ON Dusting... if he wants to have his stuff out, let HIM dust it. I like to clean EARLY in the mornings (6 am on Saturday) he has barely gone to bed at that time so we had to compromise and we got MAIDS instead.
On traveling with too much stuff... I take so much stuff on our vacation I take my own car. IF I do not make HIM responsible for my stuff and my stuff is not infringing on his space, then it's NOT his concern.
ON mementos of marriages past, My dad is a widower. He and my mom were high school sweethearts. She died IN HIS arms at the hospice and he was destroyed. They were together nearly 50 years I do NOT think he has a single item of my mothers in his possession. IF he does, it's very privately kept. I on the other hand was given the choice of her things and have many of them. I have my wedding pictures and things from my first marriage.I am divorced from him but I share two adult children wit him. These things are packed away in a box in my basement labeled "memories for the children" so that if they ever want or need those things they are available.
IF you are keeping a shirt of your first husbands as a shrine in your home or even hanging in a closet that you use, then I think he has every right to feel angry about this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2015): Thank you Aunties and Uncles for your answers.Actually, the stuff in the breezeway is now sorted by category and I "want" to sell some of it, but he does not want me to have a garage sale or list it on the online community rummage site, because he does not want certain people to show up for the sale and see what is in his garage. It is a small town. He said it was for my protection as well because there are some shady characters in town. But, I would like to make some money off of what I have! I don't want to give it all away to Goodwill.I took a hard look at the spaces where my stuff is stored and intellectually I get where he is coming from now. We are moving more things into the attic and I see where a lot of my stuff in the attic is taking up space for that to happen. I truly get that.I also agree with Garbo on the Asperger's Syndrome OCD. He intensely focuses so much on my stuff for quite some time. It goes in streaks and then he will let up for a short while and then start up again. But, once that issue is resolved, then what will the next issue be for his focus? He is super hyper too...always has to be doing something...I think we can throw ADHD into the mix. It wears me out and I am tired all the time.As far as the shared office, that is now clutter free. Like I said, I am trying really hard to get things in order and to let go of my stuff. It will take some time. I have a clutter book. What I love about the book, was it said not to put more stuff in the attic, because basically one is rearranging your clutter and not getting rid of it for good.Also, I am going online and learning how to pack light for trips.So I am trying to improve.Still I agree with Garbo about the Asperger's Syndrome OCD and that my stuff is getting in the way of his order. That is a valid point.And yes, AuntyBimBim, we never discussed where my stuff would go when I moved in with him.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (9 April 2015):
 You seem like a hoarder and your new husband like a borderline Asperger's Syndrome OCD? Your description of the amount of stuff you have and importance you assign to it is hoarding but his anger that puts you on tiptoes is Asperger's OCD sign because he gathers things but is a neat freak and attacks you because your stuff is in the way of his order.
You will not be happy in the long run but will live on pins and needles with him growing more scared, and he will grow to hate you because a thought of you is already beginning to piss him off. This negative dynamic will grow from here as time goes on unless you two get some help.
I think some form of counseling should be done to help you with the hoard and with him being looked at for these spectrum symptoms as well.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (9 April 2015):
 I have a lot of stuff ... and have started whittling it down, its hard making the decision on what to keep and what to hold.
Did your fiancé make space for your stuff? Did he remove some of his stuff to make room for some of your stuff? Were there discussions on whose kitchen table should be kept and which spaces would be made available for you, or is it a case of his house, full of his stuff with no room for your stuff apart from the breeze way and the attic?
If, once the decision was made that you would move in with him, rather than him move in with you, if after that point there was discussion on what space in his house he would give up to accommodate YOUR stuff then, really, you do need to go through those boxes in the breeze way and make the big decision, which 90% will be culled and which 10% you will keep.
However, if, once the decision was made that you would move in with him, if there was no discussion or ceding of space for you to move in with all the accoutrements you feel you need to keep or want to keep then he is being a bit of a selfish pig and your stuff will never be welcome in which case I would seriously consider moving out, and taking my stuff and my duster with me.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (9 April 2015):
It sounds like you're a hoarder and your fiance has reached the end of his tether! If you have a breezeway lined with storage, you've got too much stuff! A breezeway should not have any things stored in it at all.
Throwing stuff out is hard work. You've made a start, but you need to see it through. Having clutter everywhere is OK if you live alone, but if someone else lives there too it's not fair on them.
My theory is that everything you keep should have a place to go. Put some boxes in the attic, especially things from your previous husband you want to keep (v important), and everything else that you haven't used in the last year throw out. You don't need it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 April 2015):
 Well, to tell you the honest truth, I see what you are saying but I can't help feeling bad for your nitpicking fiancee'. Two years of a breezeway lined with boxes ?... That would make me depressed- maybe it would make me want to stay away from home as much as I can . Kidding :) but not totally. It's so important that home is a place where one can LIVE comfortably , not just occupy some space somehow. And why can't you keep the desk in your shared working space reasonably neat and clean ? Out of courtesy. Clutter decreases productivity- yours and HIS. I am not kidding, there are researches about it. Unless you are some crazy wild absynthe drinking Victorian poet :)- a cluttered work area has a bad influence on EVERYBODY's ability to concentrate, think, perform and execute on time.
You will say, in fact you have said, and not unreasonably, that if he is not happy with the way things are, neither are you , and you need to feel at ease too. Well, there 's two things to say : one, this is one of those unwritten rules, like when you are in a train and some people feel cold and want the windows up while other feel hot and want them down ?... The cold people win. If somebody feel cold, the windows stay up. Ditto for tidy and untidy people. Tidy trumps untidy , at least in theory tidy is the norm and untidy the norm breech.
But , forget that, the more important consideration is the second :
Yeah... that's the thing with sharing a house and living together : it is DIFFICULT. You need to be compatible to begin with, or be willing to make even big compromises.
I get it that you hoarded a lot of stuff in 24 years- but maybe now you only have a house for 12 , or 6 , years of memories ?. If you live in,say, 2000 sq.ft.,.. you only really have 1000 at your disposal for YOUR stuff. If your attic is 300 sq.feet, - you need to fit your stuff in 150 . If you have a bookshelf for 100 books- you can only put 50, the rest of the space is for his books.... or to leave it totally empty if he is not a reader.
So yes, it's not your fiancee's fault if you have more belongings and mementos than your fair share and more than he is reasonably expected to accomodate. If this is the case, I guess you should have to make him happy and get rid of something more . Or, rent storage space somewhere else. Or, at the end of the day, if you can afford it- yes, why not just keeping living independently ? It would not mean that you are broken up, or that you do not love each other, or that it's not a serious relationship. Just that for both of you it is essential to maintain a measure of privacy and independence. I don't think you are going to have small children to raise together, so without that - having the co-parent present and handy any time,- for two mature , worldwise adults there's no reason ( and no incentive ) to share living space unless that makes BOTH deliriously happy.
P.S. : As for his antique collection : why are you dusting it ? Why can't he dust it ? It's his collection that you did not want and did not appreciate. Plus, the fun of a collection is also in the actual, manual hands-on maintenance of it. Don't deprive him of this pleasure :)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 April 2015):
 Knee jerk reaction is i'd move out and make my own place with the things I like around me. You're an adult and have earned the right to have that....
But if a lot of your life is in boxes in the breezeway for a couple of years? Maybe what is in those boxes isn't as important as your keeping your past alive by keeping the stuff.
I get the hanging on to stuff. It's important because it's a physical link to the past. If he can't honor that need, then maybe he's not the right man for you?
If I were you, I'd work out what the stuff means and what keeping it close by means. If you need some counseling, it's not a bad thing. If he needs some sensitivity training, that's not a bad thing either.
P.S. If you don't like dusting all of his stuff, then tell him. Or put them in a cabinet.....
I think you need a mediator. Find a way to compromise... Do you think that's possible?
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