A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I can't stop crying. I feel so helpless. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Tonight, while my sister was once again running me down to my parents, I came in and for the first time in a long while, and said that I had pulled my weight around the house today and I wasn't prepared to be spoken about like that. I said this very calmly, as I always do when I attempt to be assertive.She then said, "Shut up you skitzo mole. Go on.. f*ck off! No one here gives a f*ck about you." While I'm used to the abuse from her, that last thing she said really hit a nerve, because I know she's right. My parents just sat there and watched. No one stepped in to tell her to shut her trap. No one came to see how I was while I sat in my room quietly howling for the next hour.My mother and I haven't spoken a word for three months. I can't talk to her about anything without her turning the subject around to my personal life, how my boyfriend should've moved in with me by now. One day I said, "Calm down lady!" And ever since then, she took such offence to THAT, she stopped speaking to me completely. Her and my sister b*tch about me whenever I leave the room, about how I didn't empty the dishwasher or that I keep things untidy. Meanwhile, I'm the only person in the house that works and that pays my way for everything. I'm totally independent.My sister has some kind of mood disorder, she's bordering on crazy. Her and my mother have this wierd co-dependent relationship where they have to do everything together with the exception of sleeping in the same bed. They cry when they're apart, if one's upset, the other will be crying to, yes, it's very sick. They're bleeding my dad dry and he's doing everything he can to find work, but they're living on borrowed money.My dad can't handle conflict, so when my sister decides to pick a fight with me, he'll immediately defend whatever she's said. My mum absolutely dotes on my sister and agrees with everything as well. My mother and sister absolutely hate me and my father just doesn't care in the slightest. I believe that with all my heart.Tonight, I tried to talk to him about how I felt. I wanted to know he actually DID have a heart and wanted to hear him say something that would lead me to believe he feels bad for the way they all treat me and whine about me like I'm some trespasser. He just looked at me and said, "Why do you have to do this now?" Checked the clock on the wall, and put the TV back on. That wasn't before he told me everything that happened was my fault. I stood there in tears.. I just wanted to know he cared even a LITTLE bit. I know that he doesn't, but I keep torturing myself.. like bashing my head against a brick wall hoping for a different outcome. I've never done anything for my family to reject me, I've been a model daughter, but I'm the easy scapegoat since my sister is so violent, overbearing and has the whole house in her control.My boyfriend is afraid of commitment and I feel like I'll be waiting forever for him to move out. When I tell him I can't live in this any more and I want to get out ASAP, he says he'll look into something with me and nothing ever eventuates. I don't have a stable enough income in my commission job to afford a place on my own right now.. and I'm afraid with the economy, I couldn't guarantee I'd make the rent, which would be quite a bit higher than what I pay at home.Please help. What should I do about my family? Every sign points to the fact they hate my guts. They have absolutely NO respect for me and don't care in the slightest how I'm feeling. I started a new job three months ago and no one's even asked me about it! When they say something horrible, I just have to walk away. I have no rights to say anything. I only stand up for myself VERY rarely by saying I don't think I deserve this treatment. I never get to vent MY frustration at being picked on, and being called horrible names. I feel like a prisoner.
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female
reader, lorinda  +, writes (17 June 2011):
Here the way I see it. First off you need to understand that you do not have not the ability to change other people, and to recognize the fact they they are lashing out at you because they can. who is going to stop them? Clearly they have their own issues, and unfortunately, sometimes it's just easier for people when they have problems, to take their unhappiness within themselves, and lash out, blame, belittle, and all around put their shit onto someone else, perhaps an easy target...in this case you. This isn't your fault by any means, but in a sense, every time they do this or treat you in this manner you accept it, and walk away after "attempting to be assertive". It's like somewhere along the way you have given them permission to crap all over you. You can't change the way they behave but you can change the way you respond to it. All of us in relationships of every type, sort of train people how to treat us. No one on this planet deserves to be talked to like that, and until you actually really believe that I mean really believe....it's not going top stop for you, and I suspect your boyfriend will learn in time that he can treat you the same way too. Sweety you have to take control of yourself...screw them and their issues...you have value and you have worth and deserve to be loved and respected. You win people over when you own that fact for yourself...you win and succeed by respecting yourself first. I suggest that you do what ever you can to make yourself happy first....and in that I mean, be your best you. If you can't afford to move out right now, make it a goal and a top priority with or without your boyfriend, even if you have to have 4 or 5 roommates or rent a room in someone Else's home...anything would be better and healthier than sticking around there and accepting more of the same. You are in charge of your life and what you do. You can't continue to just sit there and be a victim, because if you do, things won't change for you. I say this because I know. I have spent so many years trying to figure out why people are mean to me for no reason ...but that is really not what the question should have been. The question should have been, "What AM I doing that makes them think I will put up with it or why am I accepting and allowing them to think they can get away with it?". I kind of had to admit to myself that I needed to take some responsibility for always finding myself in that position with people. We are not the same people, and maybe our situations are different but I do know that it is you that is going to have to change something ,if you expect the situation to change.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 June 2011): Seriously? Get the hell out of there! This isn't healthy for anyone concerned. Whatever it takes or costs, move out.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (17 June 2011):
 This should help you http://www.spareroom.co.uk/
I dont think there is anything you can do about your family, it sounds awful and you have tried to make things better yet nothing has changed - if you kept on trying to make things better then you are just flogging a dead horse.
So take matters into your own hands and move out. Dont wait for your boyfriend either, he sounds useless! If he really cared about you and you had been together a long time then he would not want to see you hurting like this and would happily move in with you, but obviously there is something going on there so best just to stop hoping for him to ask you to move in with him and do something about the situation yourself.
Yes renting alone is expensive, but there are plenty of places where you can rent with other people. Just google 'flatshare' or 'houseshare' and you will find something. This is a cheaper way of renting, and means you get to meet new people and hopefully make friends which is great. You can rent somewhere incredibly cheap if things really are this bad at home - it wont matter because at least you are away from your family.
The economy is much better now, there is no need to be quite so scared about moving out. And often landlords are quite accomodating, if you lose your job they will often allow you to pay your rent only when you have a new job, so say if it took 2 months to find a new job then you would have to pay for those 2 months rent once you are paid again. Yes it is not ideal - but you cannot stay at home purely because you are afraid of losing your job. We could all lose our jobs at any second, but the majority of people just get on with life and dont let that fear hold them back. Hopefully if you have a little bit of savings (you should do if you have been working and living at home!) then you have a safety net to fall back on if you need it.
Plus you are 26, you really should be living away from your parents anyway, I bet part of the problem is that they are frustrated with having both kids living at home still - no parents want that! I'm not saying that is an excuse for the way they behave, but it wont be helping the issue either.
Just move out - there is nothing left for you to do with your family so be brave and get out of there. Whether it is alone, with your boyfriend or sharing a house - you have options so just find the courage and move out. Your family have been awful and there is no point in putting up with it anymore, you are only hurting yourself by staying.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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