A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:About 2-3 months ago I broke up with my ex for many reasons.We were together almost 3 years. About 2 weeks after splittling up I started talking to a new guy which eventually led to dating. New guy was great! however...whenever I was with the new guy I was thinking about the ex, which brought me to major confusion. So I continued seeing the new guy in spite of my feelings and cut off the ex the best that I could. I decided to tell my ex i was dating someone and spending new years eve with him. My reason for telling him was that I rather him find out from me than through friends or pictures etc... Now here comes the issue, as soon as I told him about the new guy he was freaking out. He was crying to me about how he cant let me go and wanted me to cancel my new yrs plans. he came to my house and held me so tight i thought he would never let me go. now after all of this i decided that maybe i was moving on too quickly and maybe I should give this another shot. So I told the new guy i needed some time and that i was feeling confused.(i wasnt completely honest with him because i didnt want to burn any bridges)He was not very happy with my decision and has shown a different side since then however I do still think about him and Im not sure im making the right decisions here... Now my big question is, Being as my ex started really fighting for me after he found out i was seeing someone, should this play a factor here? i mean, what if i didnt tell him? and what was it about finding out i was with someone else that made him have this revelation? Im so confused! I dont know if i should really give my ex a chance or if i should see if i can try and get the new guy back. Its crazy because when i was with the new guy, i thought about the ex and now that im kind of with the ex im thinking about the new guy!?!?!? huh?? lol im losing it here.....
View related questions:
broke up, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): I don't think your ex had a revelation that he wanted you when you told him about the new guy. I think he truly never stopped loving you and you broke his heart when you broke up with him.It is just that he now fears since you are with someone new that you are gone forever.And by the way the new guy so shortly after a three year relationship is a rebound. You are using him to get over your feelings for your ex and this is not fair to new guy, so I think you should let the poor guy go.You need to take a good six months to a year and stay out of a relationship and work on yourself. You can date of course, just no serious relationships until you figure out who you are again on your own and what you really want in a man and a relationship, otherwise it is going to be endless drama because you haven't resolved your personal issues that led to your breakup in the first place.Sometimes when we break up a long term relationship there are many issues and resentments built up. We stop having compassion for out partner and decide that this relationship is not working for whatever reason and call the whole thing off.I don't know what the reasons were that after three years you no longer wanted to be with your boyfriend.But I am not going to sit here and tell you just to move on with your life that is what everyone suggests because guite frankly they themselves don't know how to put humpty dumpty back together again, we have all been through miserable break ups and most of us have just dusted ourselves off picked up our bleeding heart and just tried really hard to get over it.One thing you should do though is put and end to your old relationship, and if you want to reconsider getting back with your ex, then you must take it very slow and start dating again and having some fun together, learn to laugh, and then talk about the old relationship issues and resolve them. You have to wipe the slate totally clean and start a brand new relationship with him.He is not going to change, he is who he is and you either have to accept him with all his quirks and emotional baggage or not. If you two had poor communication, immaturity that caused bad relationship patterns then those are the things that you can change and work on together as partners.If it is simply that you are incompatible then let it go for good. If it is that you want different things out of life, have different goals, then let it go for good.Love is not enough sometimes to make a relationship work out. But without love and compassion and trust and commitment to working out your issues and conflicts no matter what then you might as well just move on with your life.To do that properly you have to tell your ex you cannot have contact with him at all for a good long while.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the "main" reasons I made the decision to break up were...Our sex life was not good. He hasnt the slightest clue as to how to be romantic. He didnt want to do much with me but if his friends were going to a game or away for the weekend he would go and when i would bring that to his attention it was always about the money 'well its not costing me much with the guys, i dont have to pay for a room, dinners for 2 etc...'(this really bothered me). I felt like he could think of non-expensive things for us to do together if he really wanted to and i never gave him the impression that i expect him to pay for everything... but he wont have it any other way(too much pride). We also live an hour away which makes things even more difficult...Theres a few more but these are the most important. He also has alot of good which i think about and im trying to decide if the good outweighs the bad, however even if it does, these things i have mentioned are still things i need (also things the new guy was giving me). :/
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the input! Well this is the thing... He swears he's going to change. And I knowww how this goes, they change for some time just enough to get you back and then once they're comfortable again, back to the old ways. I had this whole conversation with him and explained this is it and if he doesn't change I'm not dealing with it. He swears he is ready to change and that he wants to change and will do anything to make me happy and anything to make us work... with that being said... Do you think he really can change?
...............................
|
