A
female
age
41-50,
*nteater
writes:My partner and I may have the chance to get a job as a couple managing a private house in a new area. The only thing is, my partner is reluctant to leave his elderly mother who was widowed a year ago. He tends to chauffeur her around at weekends. She is fairly active but unsteady on her feet. He has 3 other siblings, 2 of whom live within a 5 mile radius and the third about an hour and a half away. Am I being unreasonable to expect them to lead independent lives? I feel like this is an unnecessary constraint on our prospects. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (6 January 2010):
 I personally think that unless you lose a parent yourself you CANNOT truly know the pain that it causes in grief terms.
My dad died 3 years ago on the 18 Feb 2010 and my mum was his carer for the last 7 years of his life. I was not close to my mum before his death I think I can safely say I was closer to my dad as my mum always put dad first even when both my sister and I were younger, it was just the way she was of taking care of her man. They had been married for almost 55 years when he died and it was then that I started to really get to know my mum.
I had parted with my ex of almost 20 years a couple of years before and was in no rush to find someone new, haven't yet and I think it was because my dad was so ill for the last 2 years of his life.
I have taken my mum on holiday in the August of the same year my dad died as my mum had not had a holiday in 7 years and then a small break the second year up to Lancashire and the Lake District where my dad originated from and last year I took her and my daughter to France and drove us there and back.
I personally cannot leave my mum to fend for herself and even if I do meet someone this year which I hope to do it won't stop me from making sure my mum gets a holiday each year and I won't abandon her for Christmas either. My sister has a family to and she doesn't leave her on her own but her job does mean she has to travel the country so more of it falls to me but I don't resent that as my mum is important to me and she is my last parent that I have and I personally think your bf should be commended for taking care of her.
I agree with the others that I think you cannot see the bigger picture here and whilst you say about the following:-
'The only thing is, my partner is reluctant to leave his elderly mother who was widowed a year ago. He tends to chauffeur her around at weekends. She is fairly active but unsteady on her feet'.
'I feel like this is an unnecessary constraint on our prospects'.
Firstly exactly HOW OLD IS your bf's mother? You say elderly but how old as such. Plus you say she is active but unsteady on her feet, why is that, does she have fragility problems, or is she that frail that she could do with either a walking aid or maybe a motorised buggy for instance? There is obviously a cost implication for one of those but it is something that could be considered so that she could even get to maybe a local shop for necessities.
The point you make about this i.e. (his mother), 'being an unnecessary constraint on your prospects' does come across as extremely cold hearted and not exactly condusive to someone who could be quite a caring person deep down but the way in which you worded that makes you sound like - no one is going to get in the way of MY future and I need my bf to make this COUPLE position in a private house work for ME.
I am not out to condemn you as some of the others have done but feel that maybe your tone in your question could have been worded in a more compassionate manner rather than the way it was, that's all.
I know single, childless individuals will always view the majority of people with children as one of the conformers so to speak but it is hard to get your head around the whole aspect of parent and child love at the end of day. Until it happens to you and whilst it sounds quite weird until you
actually hold your own child in your arms for the first time, everyone freaks to my knowledge by the way, even if your child was planned for - like my daughter. You wonder where the hell is the instruction manual, my now ex said, if you asked me to put together a computer I could do it as I have an instruction manual that comes with one of them but the times when you are stressing because your child will not settle because they have wind or they are teething, it is an extreme learning curve that NO ONE can prepare you for, but on the other hand it is also such a rewarding thing to do in your life as well.
Your bf is loyal to his mum at the end of the day and I would certainly rather have someone like him in my life than someone who would be quite happy to walk away and move 200 miles away from her.
My ex now lives about 120+ miles away from my daughter and myself and has a new life with his gf, he wishes he could live closer but financially it is much cheaper for him to live further up the country than to be close to his daughter.
On a financial point of view it is much easier for him but the travelling is hell and every other weekend I drive my daughter normally half of the way to meet up with her father and the services to hand her over on a Friday at about 6pm and the same thing happens on the Sunday night so she is back home with me ready for school on Monday morning. I have been doing this now for 2 years at the beginning of March and my daughter hates the car journey but accepts this is all we can do for now.
Your bf's journey would be much more and you would end up hating him trying to juggle things to get to see his mum as often as he could.
BFN
Country Woman
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (5 January 2010):
I used to see my mother in law as competition for my husband's time and affection until I had my own child. I don't expect you to ever fully understand this until one day when you have your own child who depends on you for the first 18 years of life. You sacrifice everything for that child, give love and affection. It is natural for that child to develop a bond with their parent and to want to return the care, not just abandon them like animals. When I stopped seeing my MIL as enemy number 1 she became my friend and although I'm no longer with her son, we are still close. You are just going to have to learn to deal with the fact that your boyfriend refuses to abandon his elderly mother. The alternative is you can always leave him for someone less caring. You came here asking for advice and you have been given good advice but you are refusing to take it!!! He has not said this is a permanent situation. She recently lost her husband and you are damning him for being responsible! And his caring for his mother to the "detriment of his future?" By the sound of things, its your future and your dreams, not his. You are refusing to compromise for him. I hope you understand eventually. Good luck
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A
female
reader, Anteater +, writes (5 January 2010):
Anteater is verified as being by the original poster of the questionA child is different - adults are independant. I'm not saying she shouldn't be helped, but there is a balance to be struck here. To what extent should she be helped by him to the detriment of his own future is what I am getting at. Can you happily say you would give up your livelihood to provide a social life for ageing parents?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2010): "Unnecessary constraints on our prospects"
Wow. No one drops down from another planet sans any ties whatsoever. What if he had a child in the area that he needed to be close to? Family is one of the factors we base decisions on... and its good. If you can't handle it, I hope he can find someone less selfish.
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A
female
reader, Anteater +, writes (5 January 2010):
Anteater is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe house is 200 miles away. He has 1 other male sibling who lives locally. I wouldn't say his family are close knit: rather they tend to be insular and introverted and don't have a great deal of contact between siblings, although they haven't fallen out with each other. My parents are both alive but are very independent and active outside the family.
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A
female
reader, Country Woman +, writes (5 January 2010):
So I am assuming that this private house is a fair distance away, is that right?
Is it within driving distance or too far to consider?
If your partner has other siblings, then they should be pulling their weight as well.
However, it could be that this is his way of coping with the loss of his dad and by taking care of his mum at weekends, he feels like he has some connection to his dad as well.
If it is only a year since his dad passed away, he could have some of his own grief issues that he just hasn't addressed and it does take time for everyone.
Have you ever lost a parent yourself?
Maybe your partner is just not ready to distance himself from his family and if that is the case then trying to force him is not going to work.
He needs to weigh up the pro's and con's himself.
I realise you feel like he is just not getting it but I think there is more to this than meets the eye and I do feel like is just trying to step into his dad's shoes to care for his elderly mum.
Are any of his other siblings male btw?
I think you are looking at things in black and white and your partner is just not looking at this moment in time.
Would be interested in your answers though!
BFN
Country Woman
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A
female
reader, Angzw +, writes (5 January 2010):
I think your partner is being wonderful and his attentive behaviour to his mother will bode well for your future (ie. He will care for you too). He is absolutely right to want to be there for her one short year after she was widowed. Maybe you would score more points with your partner if you visited her a couple of times a week for a cuppa WITHOUT your partner initiating this. He obviously comes from a close knit family. It is different from family to family and this is how his works. You have him for the next 50 years, how many does she have. Be supportive of his concern for her and he will feel a little more secure with you too. In a couple of years he may be more willing; perhaps once she gives him the signal that she is ok without him there constantly. Life is not only about ambition, its also about family and caring for our loved ones. All the best
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