A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for a year. For first 6 months sex was frequent but then I started to get rejected whenever I initiated. If i waited for him to make a move he didn't. Eventually after refusing to talk about it I said I was struggling to stay in a sexless relationship. After a long chat he broke down and admitted he was sexually abused by a man as a boy. I was shocked and devastated for him. He completely broke down and said I was the only person he had told.I offered to help in any way i could- counselling, talking more about it but he said no, he wanted to forget it. Since then sex has become even less frequent and I have tried everything. Waiting for him to make a move- weeks go by, dressing up, being playful etc and all I get is rejection and hurtful remarks. He says I am sex mad and a nympho! I am so hurt as I love him. I have never felt this way about anyone yet cant take the constant rejection. What should I do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (20 March 2008):
 Maybe I will be insensitive in this matter, but I have my suspicions about this. He was abused as a child, all right; but that didn't prevent him from having frequent sex during the first six months. This is inconsistent, for me at least.
I have heard a lot about boys who have problems with sex because of their abuse, but only rarely have I heard about someone who doesn't want to have sex. The need for sex is built into you.
Also, I find it very strange that he refuses to solve the problem. A sexless relationship is a problem, in itself, for you and for him. But not being able to have sex (if we believe him, and I don't) would be a problem for himself, and I would expect him to try to solve it. And it would have been a problem for a long time.
These inconsistencies make me suspect there's way more than he is willing to say. The part that I find most inconsistent of all is that he is saying you're a nympho. I could understand if he had problems to perform, but insults without a foundation are way too much. And he had no problem with your wishes during the first six months.
I think he needs another serious conversation. If I were you, I would make it a point that your relationship can't be sustained for long if sex isn't there, and he needs to at least try to address the problem. Also, I would say that insults are not allowed.
I also think that when someone has this kind of problems, the other party needs to be understanding, but also firm. The relationship can't become one-sided: I give in to anything you say because you have issues, and you have carte blanche to dismiss anything having to do with me.
Only you can know how long you can sustain this. If nothing changes in a period of time (how long is for you to decide), I say leave him.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): My heart feels for you when I read your story, which is a very sad one, for both of you.
It is highly unlikely that this situation is going to get any better and you are just going to end up getting very hurt and harmed for the future. Your relationship is new yet it is fraught with anxiety already, it does not bode well.
You are still young and able to find a partner who can meet your needs and make you feel like the woman you want to.
Please don't waste your life and energy fighting something so early on in a relationship. My advice, and through my own experience, please, let him go and move on however much you love him this is all going to end in pain and heartache and you really don't deserve it. You will only end up damamged and scarred and find it very difficult to move onto a new relationship feeling sexually confident.
I wish you all the best of luck to move on and find the right person. xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2008): I really feel for you and him. He obviously need help but until he admits it and goes along then you are in a catch 22 situation. I dont know of anyone who can live in a sexless situation. You are doing a great job and dont let anyone put you down but i can understand how you feel. You are trying things and still getting pushed back. If you dress up and do stuff then he calls you a nympho which must be so hurtful for you. BUT you have to decide if you can stay like this knowing that it could get worse. He has to seek help and get it. If he doesnt then can you live like this? You may have to be prepared to walk away in the future if he doesnt try the professional help. You have all of my sympathy and hugs.
take care
xx
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