A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I work, I study, I clean/cook the house, I care for 2 kids, I'm 27 and he still complains?What should I do Please help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2008): Upbringing, culture and religion play an important role in roles between men and women, more so prior to the 1960's, and it still lingers on today.
Today, both men and women have roles and duties to play. But as society becomes more open and less nieve about each others abilities, relationships should become more of a team work, where we both pitch in to get something done together as a team, or indiviudaly where one has greater strengths. This is also ideal. The old way and still carried on today is archaic.
Your husband needs some enlightening. Explaining to him that you wish to be promoted to a stronger partner and take on areas you feel comfortable in doing or wish to do with him mentoring if need be, is what relationships should be about: helping each other become a better person.
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (27 April 2008):
 Perhaps he comes from a family where his mother dotes on him.
You are an extension of his mother and thus he expects
everything from you but seldom gives back or acknowledge your needs.
Some men can be callous and obtuse.They only know how to take
and do not know how to give back or show appreciations for their wife.
If you are married to such a man , you may have to educate
him and it will take time for him to understand that you have needs too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks heaps for all your advice I value it and respect it very much.My husband is a wonderful man who does work extremly hard, I love him, and appreciate everything he is doing.I just don't feel recognized, I always try to do romantic things like massaging, candle light dinner at after the kids are in bed, trust me I have done all of what you have mentioned, (crying) however, when I talk to him I don't wyne I just want him to know the things that I'm interested in, what I like, I like to talk about other things that don't have to always relate to work, somehow he tunes out and does not seem interested and that hurts.To know that I am just a wife and have duties to forfill as a mother/wife and to be treated that way is not fair.The guy who wrote about the sexual part everything you have said I have done plus more.... I don't know what else to do.He just wants me to do what ever he asks, and I do to some degree. All he talks about is work work and work, and I hear him out, and even help him when I can.But to be spoken down on, not respected is not acceptable, I love him however I feel that he is no longer inlove with me, and I'm not ugly I don't think, not fat I'm tall and have a nice figure and I'm not saying this to get a big head, it's true.May be he is in a stressfull situation and he doesn't know how to handle it, and he just lets it out on me.Got to go the baby is crying trhanks heaps for your advice
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 April 2008): I think that one big problem in marriages is wife's attitude with sex. My wife gives it to me whenever I want it but she has NO motivation to improve it. No desire to learn anything new. No desire to try anything new. She doesn't like to talk about sex and never tries to turn me on. She thinks that getting naked completes her obligation.
So my point is is that I think most women take man for granted and think that as long as they spread their legs on ocasion their obligation is complete. This is where I think the problem lies. This causes most man to become bitter toward all other aspects of the relationship. And as a result we don't treat our wifes like we should.
I'm not saying this is the problem that you have with your husband. Remember we guys are not very smart but if you make us feel like a god in bed you might be surprised at how much better we can be.
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female
reader, bfly36  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 I know u love him and he is ur husband but it is not fair for him to treat u the way he does. Begin to take care of urself for u, u dont have to spend alot of money paint ur own nails, do your hair and makeup and make u feel good about you. Try to track what he is doing online, alot of men are having online affairs. Become stronger as a women. Alot of us woman live in fear of not making it without a man and we settle for BAD Relationships.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (25 April 2008):
The problem is that you have pampered him too much and he has taken you for granted.
You have two options to choose.
You can continue to be like a door mat and let him walk all over you.
Or you can stand up for your rights and tell him your limits and boundaries.
A marriage is like a partnership.
Be more affirmative and more firm in your decisions.
If he complains, discussed with him in a rational way and see how you can do that job the best way and who should do it.
It is a possibility that you may need to spend some
quality time with him and not be involved with all those
chores and he may have felt neglected.
The household chores and the kids took away all your attentions and nothing left for him.
He could be suffering from attention deficit syndrome and
thats why he is always complaining to gain your attentions.
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female
reader, louweez23  +, writes (25 April 2008):
 Hun I hear you on this.
But I hear Lonelytwo too.
The answer doesn't lie outside your marriage it lies within.
You cannot change your spouses, only they can change themselves, and they will only change themselves when they feel motivated to do so.
YOu realise that there is something desperately amiss in your relationship or you wouldn't be asking on here. I'm willing to bet that because you are not getting your needs met (e.g. when your husband goes straight on his laptop instead of helping you or even asking how you're day has been) you don't take it well. I'm not blaming you for that because I do exactly the same thing. But blowing your top and giving him cross words (or ignoring him, being scathing of him, etc.) as soon as he walks through the door is going to do one thing. Drive him away.
If you truly want a happy realtionship you are going to have to put yourself in his shoes, and that may not seem fair because you feel like the injured party, but can you imagine what it must be like to have a hard day at the office (or whereever he works) and come home to be met by a nagging whinging woman.
I'm not saying ignore your needs. YOu have needs too and he isn't making any effort to understand yours BUT if one of you doesn't make the first move you are going to end up with a mexican stand off and no marriage.
I would suggest you go into relationship counselling, but I would also guess he won't agree to that, until you tell him how desperately unhappy you are and share with him (becasue you've told us but I bet he's in the dark) how much it hurts when he says these things to you.
Don't go on the defensive just say in a flat tone 'what you just said really hurt' and leave it at that. He's not stupid he'll know why.
I think you're right to keep trying, but I don't think you realise how big your problem is. It isn't a little thing that's going wrong there are some fundamental problems in your relationship and you will probably need a lot of help to sort them out.
However, if your marriage is the most imprtant thing in your life (and it should be) then you will be prepared to do whatever it takes to get them sorted. It will be worth the effort.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): the last poster is WRONG...he should not be pitching in and "helping"
He should be doing at least as much as you...to sa the word help, implies its your responsibilty
The days of sexism and expecting women t do most of the work are over...
Give him one last chance to show he can do at least 50% without complaining...if he doesnt like it , tell him that seeing he wants to be in 50s traditional relationship where the wife does most of the housework and childcare then he needs to fulfill his masculine role and earn ALL the money...quit your job and spend your days complaining that he doesnt earn enough to keep you in the maner which you desire
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): So he doesn't talk at all? No indication as to what is going on?
If he isolates himself on the computer, then something must be weighing on his shoulders. Could be work, or a combination of work and home.
He should be pitching in with the kids, and also doing a few other things to help, I agree.
Trying to figure out what is going on in his head is the goal.
You say he talks about himself. Do you just listen, or do you think about it and offer some thoughts on it? Give me an example of what he talks about.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
I do understand where you are coming from, however the sex part really isn't the issue.
I do also recognize that he too also put's in like coming back home to me....
However, that does not excuse the fact of him not supporting me at home with the kids while I'm doing 100 other things....
Our communictaion is basically about him, and his work and just him, him and more of him.....
So where does this leave the kids and me.
Don't get me wrong, i love my Husband which is why I am on this to get help to begin with, because I believe it's people like you that have more experience's in life and with relationships that might help me and others....
And if your in a situation where your not getting any from the one you love, you may need to ask why?
Which you probably have 100 times, than the next thing is ask her why?
Which you probably have, and if she has told you that she is tired, then she is.
Or the other reason would be that she just doesn't want to make love or have sex.
and I believe lack in communication in that part leads to having you look elsewhere....
I don't know I could be wrong....
But please know that I am not trying to cause anything but a solution to a problem for myself and yours.
Peace.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): I think it is quite possible there is a great divide between you to. He sees one thing and you see something else, a total disconnect from each other. Communication is non-existent. What you've stated in your second post is what my wife and I are going through now. I try to explain it to her, but she comes up with some simplistic response, which in turn tells me it is not big deal. What I have resorted to is Heart's on the computer ... eventually, to burn out, and now considering leaving her, giving up, I don't want to live my life this way anymore ... disconnected.
This is a dangerous situation. You both must figure out a way to connect. It isn't all about you and what you need this time, he is giving signals that he is hurting, that he needs something, and your not listening.
If he wants sex, then he wants sex with your emotional attachment, otherwise, he could pay for non attachment. If you critize him, then someone else, even if he has to pay for it, won't critize him. Men want there wife, no one else, but there is just so much a person can take.
If men have allot of money that throwing it away wouldn't matter, then they will freely give and help out financially. Remember that buying gifts, jewelry is materialistic, and when money is short, buying this stuff would be the dumbest thing to do. Ever hear of emergencies? Rainy day funds?
Sorry if this seems harsh, but the attitude reminds me of what I get at home, and what I've been through. It is now easy to get me mad.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks heaps Ladies, your advice means so much to me.He actaully tells me that I'm not doing enough, because he see's himself as doing many things at once so that means I should do many things like him....I don't mind doing it because I push my limits to a new level, however I don't like it when he calls me lazy, and that i don't take care of the kids propery, that is hurtful.sometimes I think that he has cheated on me as well.I don't know, I think I'm messed up with the hurt factor.You know I haven't bought anything for myself for such a long time, I don't get my hair, nails, wax and other girly things done..... I do it all myself to save money...When we go shopping for the house together, if I look at something he always starts on how things are so expensive indicating that I shouldn't even look in the first place.He doen't like to spend on me, he never buys me things, takes me out to dinner, he is always late coming home, and when he does come home, it's straight to his laptop, he spends little time with kids....I don't know what else to do....I love him so much, he is the father of my children, I want to stay in this marriage because I believe I can make it work, and because he is actually supporting me in my studies.The reason why I have taken up studies is so I can finacially be more stable, he doesn't support me financially, and I never ask him for money, i feel like a child if I do, and he knows that i feel this way because I have communicated this with him.Yet he still say's what he says, and continues on...God help me...Thanks girls, I love you's and appreciate your advice...xoxoxoxoxox
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female
reader, bfly36 +, writes (24 April 2008):
Exactly, what is he complaining about, maybe he wants ur attention and ur busy doing too much because he is not helping you, some women want to do it all themselves, is that the case????
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): What does he complain about?
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2008): Hi Hunny
My advice to you sweetheart is dont do as much as you do leave some things, Dont be walked over if he is complaining about nothing then give him something to think about, Leave the house work do your study care for your children and leave the rest to him for now and then see what happens, I no this may be hard love my first husband was the same and I stopped I looked after the children took care of there needs and went to work and left the rest he didnt complain as then there was something not done and he was lost as to what to say. I simply said if you find Im not good enough as you have done nothing but complain Ive left it for you as you must be able to do a better job. Im sorry to hear of your troubles and obvious hurt I hope things improve for you very soon TAKE CARE WITH LOVE N HUGS MANDY XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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