A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My fiance and I have been in a relationship for about a year and a half. Generally, we get along well and of course there are bumps in the road every once in a while like any relationship, but one bump that comes up a lot is my interaction with other women. She doesn't seem to trust me.Now I've always been faithful, but I'm young, I have thoughts, I flirt and I don't see anything wrong with that kind of behavior especially considering we've gone to bed together every night for the past eight months, we're getting married and I don't persecute her for having male friends. I've committed myself to her and I've adjusted my lifestyle significantly to accommodate her insecurities, but I feel like I'm losing myself if that makes any sense. I feel like the more I alienate my friends and colleagues (some female), the less effective I am as a person and as a professional musician. I frequently engage the services of female vocalists, but if I don't know them or can't rely on them, how do I know I should hire them? That means that sometimes I go to lunch with women certainly--not all the time, but regularly.I work from home mostly and my work has me in front of a computer screen or on the phone a lot of the time, but that makes her jealous. I can't talk on the phone around her or send text messages around her or invite female associates to MY apartment. My fiancee stays here most of the time, but she doesn't live here: she doesn't pay bills here and her mail doesn't come here and she has her own place so why can't I invite people to MY own apartment? My building is controlled access, so I have to physically let her in when she comes over. If I have a couple of people here--maybe a male and a female--she catches an attitude as soon as she walks in the door of the apartment. She's fine when we enter the building, but as soon as we enter the unit and sees people here, she's pissed off. It's a double-edged sword: I have to work and I have to be here to let her in, but I can't work when she's here because she's so insecure about other women.This isn't the comprehensive story of the situation and I'd be happy to extrapolate on any of the details, but from what I've said so far, does anyone know what I should do about this problem?
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (3 January 2009):
 I think a lot of time jealousy issues stem from a need to control. Controlling people are usually jealous types as well. She wants to control every facet of your life, if, when, who, and where you see other people. I think you need to have a long chat to her about this. She needs to try to reign this in or she will make you very miserable and most likely destroy the relationship. Make sure you address this BEFORE you marry because I fear it will only escalate once you do. Good luck.
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