A
male
age
36-40,
*boy_gadget
writes:My name is Greg and I'm 21 next month,Well a little over a year ago I broke up with my first serious relationship, she totally smashed me in every way but I played the good guy card and ended up hurting myself in the end and I broke it off. Anyway I thought I learnt about the mistakes I made then and in January of this year I found this new girl who was everything I wanted, had been in a relationship like me, same views and shared most of my common interests. Anyway we began a relationship and as time went on we had a couple small problems and I didn't figure she'd be very moved my small trivial problems though she was when we had them.I played patience as she was also older than my ex (my age, ex before her was a year younger). She hated her ex and anyway after a couple months started talking 2 him again. I was okay as I gave them a chance to be friends but he crossed the line then I said you are not to go near him or talk 2 him again. For a couple weeks okay but it sort of continued. This destroyed me and she knew about it. Started to go more pear shaped from there. We sort of had a break and one weekend night out in the town she wanted to see me then didn't when I was coming to see her, anyway I met up with her, we sat in her car and chatted and kissed a litle waiting for her friends then she asked me to drive them home as she was drunk, I was too and I never drink drive so I did for her. I got back to hers at 5.45am after dropping everyone home, I then had 2 catch a train and go 2 hours back home again so I could go for a motorbike ride at 8.30, during the day we called each other and it seemed okay. The following weekend she confessed to me that on that day she had gone to her ex's and slept with him but heard a song that reminded her of me then got up and left.It didn't hit me at first and we were closer than ever until the Tuesday when I asked 2 have some space to get my head around it, all good but after a day she couldn't handle waiting 2 hear if I might break up with her, I said well that's a risk you have to take if you feel the way you do and I do love you just need to get over it, anyway she fell to pieces then I went and saw her, she said thanks for being here, I said I'm here for you to help you I'm in a world of hell in my mind she said don't be like that but later accepted that.Anyway I bit my tongue for a couple weeks as her 21st birthday was coming up and in the past all her boyfriends had forgotten about birthdays and I wanted to give her something amazing, I gave her the best present ever she got and it was a total surprise (limo picked her and and her mum and she had a 2 hour health and beauty session then got taken back to her house where I got a surprise party happening). Anyway she was supposed to come to my house one night then she didn't then said in a text message that she was too weak to say it on the phone or to my face but she wanted to break up and she was never ready for us.Me being me I was thinking I have to find a reason for everything. I didn't talk 2 her for a couple days and talked 2 my mates about things then I went to her house to get my stuff and I said after all I did for you and we shared and the way you broke up with me have you got anything to say...? She replied, nope. I got really hurt then and walked out of her room. She apperently has been spending a lot of time with her best friend and is even putting up photos in her room of all her mates but me and has taken every memory of me down that kills me too but I can understand why, but so soon?Her mum is remarried and on that side of the family I was very close with, I went to her mum and step dad after and told them that I appreciate everything and love them and everything we've shared then told her mum everything about us, not 2 bite at my ex but just to give her an understanding and I made it fair in how I said what I did. Sorry if this is long almost done... We both concluded that she has spent too much time in controlled relationships and has not yet found herself and I'd agree with that and I think I do too need to find this, plus I've probably been the best for her as her mum said and my ex at times. Maybe I gave her room to realize what she needed. She could have told me that but the way she broke up with me and how shes trying so hard not to talk to me and move on bites at me so much. Plus now I think I've just made the same mistake 2 times with my ex and the one before, I feel like such a fool and I still love my ex but I know it can never be the same again, and if we were to get back together alot has to happen. I just want to know how to think about the situation and what to do, don't get me wrong my ex is a good chick but she was very controlled by her ex for 4 years and even though he treated her so bad she described him as a comfort zone, regardless of how much I tried to show her that she has to move on she busted my chops. What should I do? I also have never been so close to another family before and have taken them on as family. I want to keep seeing them all but it's hard with my ex there, what should I do? How do I think, she won't even talk to me, I know that she needs space but I'm getting killed here...
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2007): Happy Birthday Greg, my birthday is next month too, are you a Virgo, I am?
First off, you are beating yourself up thinking that you made the same mistake twice first with your ex and now with this girl, but you don't say what that one big mistake was....if it was falling in love and wishing for love that didn't happen, then that is not a mistake, it is part of life and we all have to go through it, some more than others, like myself for instance...I am still going through it and I am old.
But, you know, I am blessed that I have had love in my life, and when I am 90 and sitting in my rocking chair, I am sure I will smile fondly at the happy memories of the loves in my life.
I know this is not helpful, but you are very young, this relationship does not sound to me like it was meant to be, the only thing I could say is in the future take things slower, don't get too involved with the next girl's family until you are ready to settle down and marry, not saying this is what ruined your relationship,,but it may have felt like pressure to her from her family about how great you are when she needed to decide that on her own....she isn't ready for a serious relationship and you sound like you are, and you have a lot of love to give, I can tell...so go out and have some me time and time with your friends, and let her go, if she comes back to you, maybe you will be lucky enough to already be in a happier relationship......you'll be fine, and try not to think so much on this, we Virgos are famous for that and it gets us no where.
A
male
reader, Escalaya  +, writes (1 September 2007):
 Unfortunately, there's not a whole lot you can do. that's a rather difficult situation you're in.
Best thing would to be keep contact with her family, if you care about them that much. Not constant contact, because that could drag up very unnecessary issues.
Best idea is to see it as over. She'll come around if she really wants to. All you can do is move in.
Atleast, that's the way I see it. Sorry if this post wasn't of much help.
Best of luck, and take care.
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