A
male
age
36-40,
*ingofThorns
writes:Allright not sure how to start this off, my ex and I broke up years ago and it didnt go well. She freaked out over something that turns out I didnt even do, anyway when we broke up she told me I was a freak, a monster, that she regretted ever wasting time on me, I was the biggest mistake she ever made...etc. You get the picture now that hurt and for a while I was in just a kind of walking haze but eventually I got over it because well for me it helped to picture her as this bad guy out of some old movie or fairy tale you know? sitting back and laughing and bragging to her minions about what she had done. Then after all this time about a couple months back I started getting emails from an old account of hers we used to talk on. Nothing really in depth just kind of 'Hi', 'How are you doing? Haven't heard from you in a while' type of things. Now I know the only reason she would ever be reaching out to me again is if she is off in the really really deep end of the pool and knows she cant keep swimming. So stupidly I replied caught her on face book and asked what was going on why she had been sending me emails and all, things were fine we talked it was civilized and all, but then I couldnt help it I asked her if she had really meant what she had said to me all those years ago, her reply was that she didnt even remember what she had said and more then likely didnt even mean it. I was stunned those words that had haunted me for every moment of every day didnt mean anything to her...and now hell I have no idea what to think so I turn to you agony aunts what are your thoughts.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): I'm sure she remembers what she said she is just too embarrassed to admit it or acknowledge it. And she most certainly has no idea how badly her words affected you.
Have you ever insulted or been mean to someone? Everybody has at some point in their life. Have you ever been mad at your parents or a sibling and regurgitated something awful like, "I hate you!" Or been ungraceful toward a classmate or a girlfriend, or someone you're mad at and don't like, even if your anger is momentary and fleeting...and then said things you wish you could take back, cause you said it in the heat of the moment but you didn't really mean it. You get my point, right?
She was mad at you and said unforgivable things. Due to pride and immaturity and ignorance she never took the time to apologize (even though she probably was sorry), which she should've, but she didn't. And because what she said to you did not affect her nearly as much as it affected you, naturally so, she was able to brush it under the rug and reach out to you again with little to no awareness of the damage she inflicted on you.
The truth of the matter is there is more to this than just her nasty words, alone. The actions that followed was to you like rubbing salt on an open wound. Not only does she throw your name through the mud but then she takes off never to be heard from again for years. Had she reached out to you a week after she insulted you and explained herself and apologized, I bet you would've accepted her apology and you both could've parted ways with way less resentment. Cause it would've given you closure.
But that's not what happened. She threw your name through the mud and disappeared leaving you with her unkind words plus her absence that followed, for years to ponder. Two huge blows. Especially when it's coming from a lover who supposedly "loves" and "cares" about you, therefore shouldn't do that.
I suspect she acted the way she did out of pure ignorance and extreme immaturity, nothing else.
I don't think you should hold onto any resentment though. It's been too long. If it makes you feel better you should let her know that her words and her actions hurt you a lot. But don't expect her to admit and acknowledge any wrong doing. Cause it doesn't sound like she wants to own up to any culpability. And while you're telling her this, don't forget to remind her how well you are doing and how happy you are. That'll make her feel worse for the way she left you. And most importantly, stop making yourself available to her. If she hurt you as badly as you claim, say what you've got to say to her, and then end the conversation, stop responding to her and just put this behind you. Close the book.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2014): What she means is she has moved on, and has forgotten it all in general. I venture to say, the lady had to say some pretty strong things in order for you to move on, and to free herself once and for all. She dropped you like a ton of bricks, and took no hostages. She meant for you to feel exactly as you did, like there was no turning back. This is it!
The problem with most breakups is; one person is ready to end it, and get-over the relationship. The other may not be ready, and may not want to at all. Being the dumper isn't that much easier than being dumped. The dumper is likely to recover sooner; because before the breakup, they usually had a head-start in detaching from the relationship and preparing to move on. Either that, or they already had your replacement waiting in the wings.
You don't always remember what you've said in the heat of passion or anger. You usually just go into a rant and anything can come out of your mouth. I don't believe she completely forgot what she said. She was evading the issue, and didn't wish to elaborate on her past feelings. A wise way to finesse off a potentially volatile conversation.
It was many years ago. You've had time to absorb and delete most of that day from your memory. It will always hurt some; because it's hard to hear someone you love call you names and be so angry at you. Then again, if you make someone that angry you'd be better off to keep your distance.
Were I in your position, I'd be polite and distant. I'd forgive and forget, and let bygones be bygones. I would not initiate a new relationship with any person who felt I was a freak or a monster. That's pretty harsh! Even worse, coming from someone who dumped me. You've already begun recalling the bad emotions. Don't you think it's better off to just let it go; and not care about what someone in the past meant years ago? Why dig-up the past? This is now.
Cut all ties, if being in-touch stirs up bad feelings. Obviously; you're not completely over her or being dumped.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 December 2014): I wouldn't even bother being friends.
Life is toi short to choose friends and partners who reduce the quality of your well being.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 December 2014):
 Cut her out of your life. Whatever she said when breaking up with you was said to deal the MAXIMUM damage to YOU, so that breaking up was easier for her, OR it was an exaggerated version of HOW she actually saw you.
Some people DO NOT understand that words carry weight. HER words when ending it carried a LOT of weight for you, obviously... NOT for her. She isn't going to take responsibility for what she said. Which is why she pretends she can't remember. I seriously doubt she REALLY forgot.
She seems like a drama-llama and I think you NEED to accept that you OWE her nothing and it's TIME to let go of the past. (which means, her too).
If NOTHING she accused you off in the past was true, there really should BE no need for you to carry around guilt or bad feelings about it anymore. I mean, what's the point? SHE will only make you relive that past if you stay in contact.
Don't look backwards, you can't change the past. Only learn from it. And maybe you need to learn that this girl is bad news?
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