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male
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anonymous
writes: Hi. Ive posted on here a few times since i split with my ex. Im 26 and shes 20. We went out for 18 months and had a strong and affectionate relationship. I used to drink alot which she wasnt happy with and she made that clear. I tried to stop the drinking but couldnt do it, not even for her. I never got violent or threatened her, but when I couldnt have a drink I would snap at her and make her upset. After 16 months my friend said he had seen my girlfriend out with another guy at a local bar which he worked at. I obviously got very jealous and worried myself sick that we were going to split up. I didnt know what to do so I took the wrong decision and looked on her mobile phone for clues. I found a text from him saying "I wish I could have kissed you last night". I was concerned that she hadnt told me about these texts and got really upset. I eventually confessed that I had looked on her phone and she was very upset thinking that I no longer trusted her. I explained that my friend had seen her in the pub with this guy and she advised me that he was a friend from work and thats as far as it went. Soon after this we drifted apart and split up. I then found out she was together with this guy less than a week after our split!! Whilst we were together my parents booked for the four of us to go to Italy for a holiday. I told her I realised we were no longer together and that I was sorry I had not made any effort to stop drinking and getting funny with her in the past. She said that because I changed so much through drinking she could no longer cope with my snapping and that she didnt like to think that I put a pint before her. I immediatley stopped drinking in the hopes that if I showed her the side to me she once loved we could get back together. We got back from Italy last week and things went really well. I could see the twinkle in her eye and that she obviously changed her views on me. We did some lovely things together and thats as far as it went. The problem is she is still with this other guy and I dont know what action to take next. Would it be best to wait in the hopes they split up?. Should I tell her I am ready to try again?. Any advice would really help. Thanks in advance....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (3 July 2006):
 Your ex needs to know that you've really changed -- for real -- and not just as a temporary ploy to get back in her good books. That's a longterm commitment from you and it may take months before she sees that you're really not drinking any more.
Unfortunately, the damage to your relationship has already been done by your past history, the way you treated her, and by your old priorities. So, even though she may like the way you are now, she may never be able to accept you romantically again.
Although I personally applaud your sensible decision, the fact that you're not drinking now is a bit of "closing the gate after the horse has bolted." Your ex had to endure your temper and drinking for a long period, and that may have led to bad associations with you.
The best you can do is be the New Non-drinking You because it suits you and you realise it's a better way to live. Carry on with your life, see other women, and be open to possibilities, but don't expect to be able to take up where you left off with your Ex.
Be glad that you made your choice, because it will prevent you from making the same mistake with other women in future, and of course your health and outlook are going to be much improved. Sadly though, I think it's unlikely that you can get your ex back.
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