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anonymous
writes: Six months ago I met and fell in love with a lady with a sweet, gentle nature and a heart of gold. It wasn’t long before I was thinking that one day we might marry. (She’s been divorced a long time; I’ve never married)( we’re both in our 50s).However, along with her sensitivity, she showed herself to be rather insecure and unsure of herself. Our affair was like a roller coaster of emotions and sometimes I just didn’t know where I stood with her. And then, when it looked as though things were developing well between us, an incident occurred (minor in my eyes), and to my utter amazement, she broke the whole thing off. I was astonished at the ferocity in her voice. And I was devastated. But a short time later, she came back to me. Of course I was over the moon, but I did not want to revisit the time of our split, so we didn’t really talk about it. Then just a couple of weeks later, a similar catastrophe: a misunderstanding-she slammed down the phone-a series of text messages, each one worse than the previous, ending in the final indignity of being dumped by text! More pain and sleepless nights. Until she came back to me a couple of weeks later. After it had happened a third time, we agreed to talk over any problems which might arise. And we did; and I thought we were making real progress. She said she recognised that this uncharacteristic rage was no good at all-like shooting herself in the foot.Then it happened again - the same old pattern:- things going well-I upset her by some ill-considered action (I went to see a female friend, who I had sort of fancied a couple of years ago- nothing had come of it, but we‘ve remained friends)-which triggers off a feeling of being spurned, anger welling up inside her, culminating in a frenzy of vicious verbal attacks on me, and the final chop, then a few days later regret. But this time there will be no reconciliation. We both realise that things cannot continue like this. It causes too much pain. But ironically I think we still love each other. Why should such a gentle person turn so venomous all of a sudden? I think this is a bit different from “hell hath no fury like a woman spurned”, because I never spurned her-she only imagined I had, and each time what I’d supposedly done wrong was pretty minor anyway - hardly “dumpable offences”. I’m wondering if she should seek professional help to prevent such destructive rages, counselling perhaps? Maybe there is something in her past which causes all this, or something in her subconscious which she should confront? Needless to say, she has caused me and herself immense misery and ruined what could have been a wonderful relationship.
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reader, becky05 +, writes (2 July 2005):
You need to have a chat about the time you split, tell her how you felt and ask how she felt.Reassure her that you love her and dont want to lose her. She sounds very insecure. On the other hand, she may have always been this way and covered it up in the first months of your relationship, if you think this could be possible, you must end the relationship now as things will only get worse.
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reader, lovethat +, writes (27 June 2005):
Just when you think things are going great--Kabluewy! If she's in her 50's she may be going through a hormone imbalance (Mood swings and flying off the handle are typical). But she needs to figure this out herself by going to a doctor and/or therapist and taking care of herself. She obviously knows she's got a problem. Her behavior borders on emotional abuse for you. Take a break from the relationship, but since you were so close, stay a friend and check in on her occassionally to see how she's doing. Peace-
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 June 2005): When you both argue, it seems like she gets mad and jumps the gun, "dumping you" and creating even more pain/havoc. She seems to have "anger" issues". While I think it's normal for people to show emotions-anger can be a destructive emotion if not gotten under control. With your lady, it sounds like she has some underlying insecurities and hurt from her past that may be "rearing it's ugly head" in your relationship. Has she ever discussed these insecurities with you? It's human to get annoyed, irritated and plain mad sometimes, but she needs to respond in a way that brings positive resolution. And talking, communicating effectively is the only way to do this. And a loving partner is willing to understand and listen. If her anger is out of proportion to the circumstance-you should suggest she get some counseling. Her anger responses may be so disproportionate, it's obviously making you defensive and annoyed with her, in return. You need to try to understand what is causing her upsetting reactions. If her reaction is volatile and immediate..then she has to get it under control. If her reactions are controlled and showing extreme annoyance..then you have to ask yourself..what you could be saying to make her feel this way. But, raging, disproportionate anger makes resolution difficult, if not impossible.
For anger to have healthy results, it needs to be reasonable and thus, controllable. If she is flying off the handle, she needs to learn to approach the target of her anger in a way that will allow him you hear what she's saying and make him more likely to consider making adjustments and or compromises.
She needs to realize, the very nature of anger promotes exaggerated emotions(rages, etc) We say and do things we never would otherwise. Those words and actions never can be undone. As for the relationship..I would suggest you give it a break with her until she can resolve these issues. Tell her your feelings about her anger...tell her to seek some help with her anger.
Good luck
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reader, Rebecca Batchelor +, writes (27 June 2005):
 There certainly seems to be a deep seated issue here that she has and needs to be addressed. You are right in thinking she may benefit from counselling; a means of uncovering the reasons for her unpredictable and unjustified rages that causes so much heartache.
The thing is, she has to recognise this herself and she has to want to get help. It does seem that something has happened to her in the past that has caused this insecurity and it needs to be dealt with, otherwise she will never be happy and neither will the person who she is with. The pattern will keep on happening, keep reoccuring until she properly faces it.
You could play a large role in this and I'm sure its one you want to take part in. You may have already done this but it means to supply her with lots of reassurance and no reason for her to doubt your devotion to her; lots of love and affection and emotional support. It sounds like she is worth it to you despite all that has gone wrong.
Why not contact her, perhaps write to her to say how you feel and that you would like to support her providing she gets the help she needs.
It seems to me that she is so frightened of getting hurt that she actually cuts her nose off to spite her face. I think she would really benefit from professional help to release all the pain and hurt she obviously feels inside.
Of course, there is a chance she may be unwilling to face up to her problems and may prefer to blame them on someone else, namely you. If that is the case, then I think you will realise that you are basically banging your head against a brick wall. You can't change her, she has to do that herself for herself but I'm hoping that the thought of having a loving and caring man waiting for her may encourage her.
Unless she seeks help, this destructive pattern that she has will always remain with her. Contact her and see what she wants to do. I truely hope she gets the assistance she needs and that you both can be happily together; you both deserve this.
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