A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Me and my husband both want children; we're young professionals, aged 29 and 32, and we've been married for 2 years now. We're middle-class, own a Citroen and a Lexus, and our own house, and are fairly wealthy by local standards. I'm Italian-English and my husband is British.However, it's when we want children which is the big argument we're having - not money, not sex, not jealousy etc.; my husband wants children when he's aged about 43-45, whilst I want them whilst I'm still young.He thinks being an older dad will be good as it means he can party until he's 45; to be honest, though, he admits he worries about missing out on things like holidays, parties etc. and how it will affect his work.What problems could happen if we did become older parents, I want him to be well-informed when we discuss this; he just has an idealised vision of us being older parents with a young kid and dedicating all our time to him, just a few years prior to retirement age etc.We have discussed this issue but not in great detail; how can we discuss it sensitively and come to some sort of agreement on the issue?I need your opinions and help on this... this worries me.
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male
reader, Serpico  +, writes (3 January 2014):
I waited until I was 45 to get married for the first time. (Last year.) We're now ready to have kids.
I wouldn't have been ready for either five years ago.
All in its own time.
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (3 January 2014):
 Sageoldguy!
YOU ARE NORTY!
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 January 2014):
 I think starting THAT late is cheating your kids. My husband and I had kids late (compared to average) I had my first at almost 31 and our 3rd at 35 with no complications or worries. ( Though I DID have an amniotic test done with #3 because I was so close to 35 at the time and it was standard procedure to test me).
I did not plan for 3 kids to be honest. But I'm glad I "got it out of the way" before my late 30's. I might be an "older parent" but I do get to enjoy my kids every day. And I get to enjoy them WITH my husband.
My husband had a heart-attack at 43. He is thankfully STILL around, but he is definitely limited compared to 10 years ago. And that is hard for him because he missed out on the kids so much due to his job and now that he is retired he is now limited by his health.
Partying til 45? Really? I mean why hasn't you two gotten that out of the way already? I was kinda done with that by mid 20's. What is that he thinks he is going to miss by being a father now? I would sincerely doubt that he even WANTS kids.
I would Freeze eggs now if you two can't agree on a time to start (unless it's soon).
Also having them THAT late means that grandparents won't be a big part in their lives which is a crying shame. I had grand parent and a great-grandmother growing up and they were very important people in my life.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (2 January 2014):
 My father started a second family in his early 50s. When those kids were young he was a marvelous father, revelling in the little things like giving them baths and reading bedtime stories, and with great patience learned over long years of experience. As the boys got older, though, it was very clear that Dad was wholly out of touch -- even more than kids generally find their parents. Plus, in his 60s, his thinking and attitudes were wholly inflexible -- far too much to deal effectively with teenagers. Dad had a four month illness and died a couple of days after the younger boy's 14th birthday. I think both boys feel cheated -- their father wasn't there for them in the way they needed, and they had to watch him die while still in their teens.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): Suggest get your own eggs frozen now to avoid birth defects later on. Also make sure that both of you are EXTREMELY fit in order to cope with the sheer amount of energy you will need.
If you can sort these two issues out, the only major issue is that you could both be dead, or just extremely frail by the time your kids are the age that you are now - just saying - may never happen but this is what would put me off. Maybe one thing that would help is having more than one child and making sure that they get on, so that after you two go, they've got one another.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2014): I think some of the answers may cause you a little bit of alarm and trepidation. Let's not look at this as a race against time. Sometimes being older is more logical for some people. They shouldn't be discouraged; if that's the cards they were dealt.
This is a "first pregnancy;" so it's not just his convenience we're talking about here. I don't think scaring you about your biological clock is quite a good idea.
I think you should start asking your general practitioner and gynecologist questions regarding the best time for "you" to consider pregnancy. They have your medical records, know your cycles, and can inform you best about your physical health and pregnancy. Not your husband's planned itinerary of when he thinks a kid conveniently fits into his social schedule.
There are risks associated with pregnancy anyway. You just want to use reason to decide when your body is in the best condition of your life to carry a child; and how vigorously you'll be able to keep up with a hyperactive little toddler, or five year-old who could tire out the Energizer Bunny. You may want more than one child. They should be reasonably spaced apart. You also need recovery time after a pregnancy; and the body heals slower as we get older.
You can always hire a nanny or sitter. You can always maintain an active social-life. Everyone I know with kids seem to have as much time to socialize as us singles. They don't seem to party as hardy; but they seem readily available to accept invitations and always show.
Perhaps your husband is a little fearful and insecure about becoming a father. He's purposely dragging his feet. Maybe he isn't keen on the idea at all.
He may also feel the added financial responsibility may bite into his disposable income, and may limit his life of carefree leisure. He's being selfish.
Older fathers are wonderful; but can't always share many of the rigorous physical activities that athletic kids want to share with their dads. Girls are just as athletic as boys, and kids like having parents young enough to play; and do outdoorsy stuff.
I think his reasoning is dancing around his true feelings about becoming a father; and he isn't being straight forward about it. I speculate that he'll keep putting it off as long as he can. The thing is, you can't.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 January 2014):
 There are a mirad of "problems" none of which are not overcome by love but are clumsy for the kids. For example; Mom and dad would like to be here but they're at the retirement center checking out room availability for when I go off to college. There's nothing like the love of a child though so it kind of all offsets itself with other things. There are pluses and minues to all things.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 January 2014):
 the problem with women waiting that long is the eggs get older and you have more chance of birth defects due to gestational age of the mother.
this is totally prevented by having babies at a younger age.
I also have to say that there is no way I would have been a good parent to an active child past the age of 40... my body just slowed down....
I had one at 24 and one at 26 and I am very pleased now that at 53 I have my entire life to myself... I travel I go to parties... I can come and go as I please now.
having the children young now means later on you have the second half of life to live without having to be responsible on a day to day basis for kids because you already raised them.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (2 January 2014):
I can think of one problem. He wants them when he's 43-45. That will mean you're late 30's. Whilst clearly not impossible, you will find it harder to conceive because of your own body clock. It's not so bad for him - he'll be able to have children beyond that. But you're on a tighter schedule. That's probably the most important thing that you two need to talk about. There are other things, such as not having as much energy to deal with children who are running around etc, but the most important thing is that you will not be able to conceive as easily.
To be honest, are you sure he even wants children? I'm not personally that sure he does, and you don't want to end up being strung along. If he wants children with you, then he needs to compromise more over the time. He can't leave it that late with you.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (2 January 2014):
 You ask: "...What problems could happen if we did become older parents...?"
As a seasoned mechanic... I believe that you will find that the Lexus will serve you well, indefinitely... whilest the Citroen has proven to be a stubborn and oft-failing automobile which requires 'way more than its share of attention.... (AND, it's often a nightmare to get parts for the darn thing!).
Therefore, I suggest that you trade in the Citroen on a Toyota Camry or Hyundai Sonata before you go any futher..
Good luck...
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