A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi Agony Aunts.Just after the stage of dating, myself and my partner proposed taking things further. We became really intimate. He became very sexually aroused. I didn't though :-/ We were in a situation where we almost had sex although I bottled it :( I wasn't at all sexually aroused. However we did a bit of foreplay, but that didn't excite me. I am a virgin so everything was new to me.I don't understand why though. He is handsome, has the perfect body. I couldn't be more physically attracted to him.I'm concerned as it's made him think I'm not attracted to him, but I really am.Any suggestions on how to prepare myself for the first time and not to be so afraid?Thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): You were just nervous and couldnt enjoy the foreplay. Just hang out together get comfortable and let things happen naturally. Dont plan for sex to happen youll put pressure on yourself!
A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (15 January 2012):
 Before you have sex with someone for the first time you should make it a rule that he can thoroughly arouse you (even bring you to orgasm) before you even consider sex. Because really, you really really really shouldn't (even can't) have sex unless you're thoroughly turned on. Imagine if someone was trying to push a guy to have sex before he was hard, it just wouldn't work. The same rule should apply to women. Because while I suppose physically you can have sex without being aroused, it's a bit like trying to shove a sandpaper covered baseball bat into a something the size of a pencil. Even for experienced people having sex "cold" (no arousal) will hurt like heck.
That first time sex has to hurt is a myth that gets passed around. IF you are thoroughly aroused and if you use lube and if you take it slow, the first time doesn't have to hurt at all. The thing that causes pain is usually that people who are inexperienced don't know to be so thoroughly aroused they are close to orgasm first and to use lube first. It's not that anything needs to be stretched or broken, your vagina can expand to the size of a fist long just as easily as a virgin as after you lose your virginity. Nothing physically changes after you lose your virginity except that your hymen breaks (which it might already have done).
So you should take sex completely off the table until you can teach him to push your buttons. If you don't know what you like, you should start masturbating to figure it out and then show him. Every woman is totally different in how she likes foreplay, so he can't know until you tell/show him. Put your hand over his, tell him what you like. Because until he can get you basically close to orgasm, you really shouldn't even be considering sex. There's absolutely nothing in it for you to move forward before you're ready, so why rush it?
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (15 January 2012):
 Your nerves are probably getting the better of you therefore you cannot relax and just let yourself enjoy it. Explain to him how you feel and tell him you want to take things slow. Try first doing lots of foreplay with him, if you are both clear that it won't lead to intercourse then you should be more relaxed about it. You are probably just scared that he expects sex from you and you are not ready. So just focus at the moment on foreplay and explain to him that you need to build up to it, once you know there is nothing more expected from you, just try and stay calm and allow those feelings to come.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2012): You weren't ready, that's why you weren't sexually aroused.
There is no rush, are you 'emotionally' attracted to him?
If you are in doubt wait wait wait! (you will never have another 'first time', so try and make sure it is definitely what you want... Oh and don't expect fireworks your first time, its a bit of a strange feeling and sometimes feels uncomfortable...but gets better! :-)
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