A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been hanging out with a girl for 6 months. I moved to town a year ago and was looking to meet new people.. so I come along and offer to take her skiing. Help her get gear, free tickets and we go. Skied a couple of times hang out and life is good. After about 4 months I go in for the kiss, went good but I could tell she had some resistance so I stopped. A month after I asked if she wanted to date. She was hesitant and said she could not date and started crying. I held her for awhile and she said it was her she could not do it and said crying again. I asked if she wanted to talk about it and she said no. I did not press the issue made sure she was okay and left. I have done so much for her, fixed her car, got her ski gear, left work early to spent time with her and MUCH MUCH more. The biggest thing I can't figure out is she will talk about her day and adventures, then when I bring up an idea about spending one day together hiking or just hanging out she freezes, can't give an answer everything becomes a last minute decision to do something and she thinks it a big deal. Now I have gone a little over board with some adventures, wine, good food, desert and she was so taken back. I am not really sure what to do, I am lost. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (25 July 2017):
 OP, you're the typical "good guys always get turned down" man. What that means is that the saying isn't true, but it's perpetuated by the "good" guys who get turned down after they've done nice things for a woman and expect her to go out with them, even if she's not interested.She isn't into you romantically and it is blatantly clear in your post that you do expect her to want to be with you because you helped her, but that's not how it works. If you'd genuinely done it all out of the kindness of your heart, you wouldn't be so adamant that she should go out with you. She doesn't owe it to you to date you when it's clear she doesn't want to.You'll go one of two ways now: keep being nice to women, but learn that it doesn't mean they will be interested in dating you, or become bitter that you'll never help a woman again unless you're already dating.Bear in mind that the "good" guys who get turned down are only getting turned down because the woman isn't interested in them and the guy expected her to because he was nice. They usually become bitter, hence the saying that "nice guys finish last".Be a good guy, not a "good" guy who expects dates in return for his kindness. It is really "kindness" if you do it because you want her to date you and think it's unreasonable when she doesn't? No, and it's not "I don't want anything in return" if you do want/expect her to date you because of it.Move on, OP. Leave her alone and be nice to people without expecting anything in return, including dates. Find a woman genuinely interested in you.
A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (24 July 2017):
Mate, I have run a bike shop for many years, that allows you pretty quickly to work out pretty quickly who is being friendly because they want free stuff, and those who are being friendly because they really like you. Generally the ones who really like you insist on paying for the stuff cos they want to be taken seriously, those who don't, don't.
Two things,One: why is a woman of thirty plus letting a man sort her shit out, and
Two: why are you attracted to a woman of thirty plus who lets men sort her shit out?
Be a friend of equal means to her- if she stays around she a mate, if she drifts away you know why. She isn't interested in you romantically. That's tough but you've wasted enough time.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 July 2017):
 It may not be unreasonable, or it may be, it depends.
It is unreasonable , or at least SHE will feel that it is asking too much, and annoyingly trying to flog the same dead horse, if she has signaled clearly, that she won't do anything " dates-y " or couple-y. Like ,spending a whole day together one-on-one hiking, for instance.
It would be different if you were just firmly and unequivocably platonic friends, of course. Withr no romantic undertones whatsoever. But , you went for a kiss- and met some resistence . You asked her to date you- and she broke in tears !
This is not a girl who is interested in spending quality time with you , or in doing anything with you which could " give you ideas " even remotely.
She can't tell you to go jump in the lake , when you ask her out- precisely because she knows how giving and generous you have been to her , and she 'd feel guilty in turning you down less than very diplomatically. But obviously she is not happy to allow you more than a very casual friendship, and when you ask for more , she freezes.
You say that you went all out for her just out of the goodness of your heart, no strings attached. Yet at the same time you seem to imply that she sort of owes you , at least to accept your invitations and to commit chunks of her time to you.
Unluckily, it is not so. Technically, she owes you nothing. It's up to you to get wiser and either learn to really give without any expectations whatsoever,- or ( even better ! ) to be generous of your time and feelings, not to mention material stuff, only to people who are willing and ready to appreciate, and reciprocate freely and spontaneously.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2017): She knows you like her romantically. She has known it for a while. She has been feeling more and more guilty about accepting your kindness when she doesn't return your feelings. When you tried to kiss her it was the breaking point and now she is pulling away. If you want to be friends with her then she has to be comfortable that you aren't expecting it to become romantic. You'll have to say that plainly and she has to believe you won't just try to go there again later. BTW - Your being nice to this girl in hopes of building her romantic interest is about the same level of dishonesty as woman having casual sex with a guy trying to get him interested in more. IMO its only being dishonest if these games are actually supposed to fool someone. They usually aren't.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 July 2017):
 Doing things out of the kindness of heart is nice, but that is NOT what you describe in your post.
Especially not when your follow up says:
"I don't think it is unreasonable to ask to spend one Saturday doing something together like hiking or watching her ball game."
So it was a tit for tat.
Tha is why I say KEEP all that kindness and good deeds for people you KNOW will appreciate them and reciprocate your offers. That is, DO nice things for someone you are IN a relationship with, not someone you WANT to be in a relationship with.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2017): Thank you for your reply. My apologies my frustration got the best of me when I posted, she is 35 not a girl and I mean no disrespect. I did all this because I wanted to. Just trying to help her out. There are still people in this world that do things at the kindness of the heart. I have never asked for anything in return. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask to spend one Saturday doing something together like hiking or watching her ball game. Thank you again.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (24 July 2017):
 Because she isn't interested in you like that it's pretty simple.
Don't you think if she were she would jump at the chance of spending time with you? Also don't think for one second just because you do things for a woman that she owes you her time. That's a very entitled outlook and completely deluded to be quite honest with you.
She's not interested, cut contact and find someone who is. For future, you need to find out MUCH sooner whether the female you're speaking to is interested in dating. Personally I try to find out within the first 3weeks to 1 month by asking them for a date. That way if they're not interested then there's minimal damage to be caused.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (24 July 2017):
 I notice your age is given as 30-35 yet you refer to this lady as a "girl". How old is she? If she is much younger than you, it is possible she sees you as an older brother/father type figure and never suspected you might have ulterior motives when you were helping her.
The fact that you list stuff you have done for her makes me wonder if you did all this as an "investment", hoping it would pay dividends at some point? Learn a lesson. Only help someone if you WANT to, not because you hope to get something back.
I think this "girl" is only interested in you as a friend, provider and protector. She does not want to spend long lengths of time alone with you because she is afraid of what you think this might lead to.
In your shoes I would back right off. Then leave it to her to see if she keeps in contact but remember, she is probably not interested in a romantic relationship with you.
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A
female
reader, Dionee'  +, writes (24 July 2017):
 I think perhaps she has some issues and is not in any state to date right now. Whether it has something to do with you or not, I have no idea.
I think that you made a mistake spending so much money and time on her right off the bat. It's not as if you guys were dating and you done all those things which might be a bit desperate on your part.
I think it's best to just give her space and time and just leave her alone from here on out.
Perhaps you should go out and meet new people? start dating again and this time don't wait so long to ask someone out. Make sure that your intentions are clear from the get go. Maybe take your experience as a lesson from which you can learn a few things.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 July 2017):
I think you should let her go.
Doing things for women in HOPES that they will date you is not working out for you. It's a little underhanded too if you ask me. Sorry, fixing her car and buying her stuff doesn't mean she owes you squat. She isn't "making" you do those things. You CHOOSE to do them in hopes that they pay off. Trust me they RARELY do. Do nice things for someone you ARE dating. NOT for a woman, you are HOPING to date.
You took 4 MONTHS! to get your nerve up to kiss her? But why not ask her if she was interested in DATING you WAY before you invested so much TIME, MONEY and EFFORT into her?
I I think if I hung out and did "friend type" stuff for 4 months I would be taken aback with a kiss too, and I think... I would have decided by then that you were JUST a friend. Why she cried when you asked if she wanted to date you... I have no clue, that just sounds absurd.
Why wait 4 months to bring up dating?
And definitely, let this one go. If she CRIES when you ask if she wants to date you... she isn't interested.
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