A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am a divorcee. My current girlfriend of 10 years standing now seems to have become indifferent to me. I moved to another country to live with her, leaving friends and family back in UK.Now she tells me she would be happier if I left.I feel stressed at the thought of going back and having to start again. I will be 62 this year and my hopes of finding a job are dubious. I have only a few thousand in savings. Not enough to buy somewhere to live. My life here isn't bad. The climate is great and my expenses are low. However my income is also low. I will receive a state pension in a few years but I depend on her for accommodation and although I do home maintenance, half the cooking and offer companionship, I don't really feel I am paying my way.I know relationships change as one gets older. I am in uncharted waters. You see, some of the messages I get are confusing. She has told me she thinks I ought to leave but then will be discussing something for next year that includes me. Sex is a thing of the past although I am not dysfunctional in that respect. I would appreciate anyone's considered view. Please remember real people with real feelings are involved here.
View related questions:
divorce, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again you have both offered valuable advice. I fully entertained the idea of moving back to UK a month ago. I even started wrapping a few ornaments and rang up a shipper to check if they supplied boxes for my packing. She may have noticed the ornaments but I never mentioned the shipper.
Strangely, since then things have seemed better between us. Perhaps my attitude changed. Recently we have talked about plans for Christmas and she even agreed to come to UK with me although I know it wouldn't be her ideal way to spend the holiday.
It makes me wonder if she too has reconsidered the situation. Sometimes I offer to sleep in the next room when for example I have had a bout of snoring. This has always been declined.
The idea of my retraining at 62 is fascinating. It isn't as if there is always something I have wanted to be and never got around to it. I think one has to accept that, despite what some will have you believe, not everything is possible with work and dedication.
I plan to find the right opportunity to ask if she would still like me to leave. Above everything else, and I may not have mentioned this before, I care deeply for her. I know much about her life and what has brought her to the adult she is now. And I feel that while we could both go through life alone, together would be much better.
Thank you for your help.
A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (29 October 2009):
 I agree with your friend and confidante. The truth probably pricked.
Here is more truth, as prickly as it may be. You've made that place your home, but it is HER home first and foremost. And you remain there out of convenience and financial ease.
You feel insecure for good reason. Anyone would in your shoes. You are STAYING where you are not wanted; or at least not appreciated and valued and wholly welcomed with open arms. Remaining in such situations is exactly what helps one to feel insecure.
You have given her all of the control by waiting until she essentially says, “Let’s stay together,” or “Ok, it’s time for you to go now. You have until X-date.” If you wait until then, the break-up may become ugly.
You are now at a crossroads. Your first option, the one you have chosen for now leads to a dead-end. While it appears at first glance to be the easier path, it will lead to despair, depression, insecurity and the devaluing of self, and you will not escape this current difficulty (unhappy relationship and facing a potential move back to the UK). The other path is the one where you take control of your life. You take action so that you can prepare for a future without this woman.
Action does not always have immediate fruit. You can start by investigating your available options for moving and looking at how you might be able to give her back some of her space in the meantime. Stop sleeping in the same room. Behave as though you are roommates and not lovers.
Consider this, too. Caring for an elderly parent doesn't need to be a permanent arrangement. It could be a mutually beneficial temporary one. Another action you can take is to put the word out to friends and family in the UK that you would like to come home soon; will need work and accommodations. Ask them to keep their eyes and ears open for you. Calculate what money is needed to make the transition and figure out how long it might take you to meet your goals. Upgrade your resume so it is prepared when you are ready to submit it. Should you be looking at upgrading some of your education with night courses while you still live with this woman?
The economy is improving. Yes, I am Canadian and things are possibly improving faster here than most places, but consider us a sign of better days to come for everyone. If you take the right steps NOW, when the economy improves, you may find the timing is right for a life improvement.
You HAVE options, should you choose to exercise them. It will take discipline and creativity, but it will bring success and happiness.
Good luck, friend.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your considered replies. As far as staying here, outside the relationship I wouldn't want to. While it is a lovely place to be, it can never replace one's own culture.
My partner has always been very independent. She values her own space and I think would like to reclaim her solitude. While she has had many previous relationships she hadn't shared space before her time with me.
She refuses to discuss our problems openly. Finally I wrote my concerns in a letter. She didn't talk about it for a couple of months but finally told me how hurtful the things I said were. I showed it to a friend, someone who had counselled me in in UK over my divorce from 10 years ago, and she thought that it was honest but not hurtful. She suggested that the truth might have pricked.
My worries over not paying my way is part of the old protestant work ethic within me. At the moment I am waiting to be paid for freelance work and haven't a sou until my client comes good. It is a difficult situation to be in having to ask for money until my cheque arrives.
Our sex life died when my partner was going through menopause. Like many women she just lost libido. As she had had a full early sex life, she didn't seem to miss it at all.
I am quite a private person. At 62 all i can see is moving back to care for my parent, now 85, who has room enough to put me up. I think we might get on each other's nerves before long.
As I said, work prospects look thin, here and the UK.
My immediate reaction when this blew up was to think, 'I won't stay where I'm not wanted.'
Lately it goes more like: "This is my home even though I don't own it. I came here on that understanding. I shall just wait and see what happens."
You see, I can't see an exit for myself. I never built an escape route although I have enough save to move my belongings back to UK. I'm caught in this bind. We are perfectly civil to each other and still sleep in the same bed. I just feel desperately insecure.
...............................
A
female
reader, Lola1 +, writes (28 October 2009):
I’m sorry you are in this situation. It can be hard for any relationship to end, never mind one that has been longer than a decade or involves having moved so far from your “home-base”.
Do you have friends in Cyprus (your location flag)? Do you keep in contact with your family and friends from back home? Moving out does not have to be moving back to the UK and starting over again.
If you are getting mixed signals, it's time for an honest conversation. Find out what she wants and work from there. After ten years, I am sure she will give you time to set yourself up to be more independent. Start to investigate what type of rent you can afford on your own. How easy would it be to advertise for a roommate?
You may be surprised to find out some of the options that are available to you.
Good luck.
...............................
|
