A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello! so I have this problem. I've been with my girlfriend for going on 6 months, I really and truly care for her. I've gotten close to not only her but her family! She left for Costa Rica a month ago and since then we are alright but my trust issues shot through the roof when she went out partying. (I've always had trust issues, for many reasons. My last two girlfriends cheated on me, I've never cheated in my life.) Since that night my trust issues wouldn't leave me alone! They got worse and worse even though I kept telling myself it was only negative thinking and that she wasn't doing anything. Well, the next weekend I got super drunk and ended up blacking out, during that black out, I had made a snapchat saying "wish me well" and a girl I used to talk to wrote me saying "wish you well" well, I told my girl that another girl wrote me (I don't remember any of this) and we started arguing because she was telling me to tell her I had a girlfriend and I did but we kept arguing and eventually I started saying stuff like "if you don't trust me then ^^ it im gonna be on my own" and stuff like that which im so ashamed of! Anyways, after hours of arguing (I know it was hours because I went back on the messages) I guess I wrote another girl saying "^^^ ^^ ^^^?" and I was also on online dating browsing. When I woke up I saw that I had wrote the girl on snapchat saying "^^ ^^ ^^ ????" but she hadn't read it, my stomach sank even though she didn't read it I felt sick and instantly deleted the message and blocked her! I also closed online dating and thought nothing of ot until two days later. It started to hit me that I was so blacked out drunk, and in my trust issues and let myself down, my subconscious drunk mind was doing these things and my sober mind would have never!! I feel like I betrayed her! Since this mistake I've decided to never drink again and I'm sticking to it. I've made everything good with my Girl by explaining that I will not be drinking anymore because I am so ashamed of the mistakes I've made and I don't want to lose her. I never told her about the online message or the online dating browsing, I can honestly say that wasn't me.I have no idea why it happened but it disgusts me!! Nothing physical happened and I didn't even talk to anyone yet I feel like I did her so wrong!! Everything since that night is getting better between us and we have a lot planned ahead of us within our relationship, I was thinking of telling her when she got back (we're planning on having a relationship talk) but am now starting to think that since I already admitted that drinking was a mistake and my actions towards her hurt me dearly, should I hold back from going into detail about the online dating sites nd hold true to my word that I'm done drinking? I don't want to tell her about these things if they aren't necessary, I understand what caused all this and being blacked out is why. I've had a lot of troubles with alcohol and this woman is what made me realize I must stop because she is far too important to me! I've explained that I'm hurt and that mistake will never happen again, would going Into detail be a bad idea since things are already getting back to normal? I don't want to throw some unnecessary info at her and ruin us and her trust for good. It was a mistake that will never happen again. I recognize what needs to be done, and am doing it. As a man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I'm over it now. I've spoke to my Grandma who is very wise and she read your message FISHDISH and told me "that's exactly what I told you! That you're building things up to be bigger than they are!" Basically and that it wasn't worth it to go into anymore detail. I'm over it and im moving on from this. It's not worth ruining my relationship over. I recognized the problem and have fixed it. I'm not going to be drinking anymore. I told myself I'm done and that's it. I'm done. It's time to push forward and create a new life free of alcohol, free of making blacked out drunk mistakes. Thank you everyone for your replies!! It's means so much to me to have gotten all of the replies that I did! It truly helped hearing different angles and I've finally came about my conclusion. Thank you!
A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (23 July 2016):
 I had an ex who had an alcohol problem and he had a lot of lows. I wasn't present for the one that really shook him-I was in Morocco and the details are not completely clear to me still, I know setting a fire extinguisher off was involved and smashing things in the bathtub, but basically sounded like a very bizarre/destructive night. That was the event that represented rock bottom for him. I tell you this because I was empathetic, told my partner during this time it was going to be ok, but he didn't believe me (or in himself) and instead drove himself crazy with the guilt he felt from this. Totally different set of facts, in terms of fidelty, but I bring it up because that rock bottom moment shakes you to your core in a way that may be something only you can completely understand. You keep assuming the worst will come of telling her. I think you're beating yourself up when you're doing everything right to ensure it doesn't happen again; I still don't know what you think her learning that you reached out to more than one girl will do in terms of patching up your relationship. It sounds like it's just to deal with your own guilt, which I think you should deal with in the program or counseling you undertake. Again, otherwise, it may be that you end up building up these events as major indiscretions when it was just an awful stupid night. See if you can manage it through professional help vs. through you relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHonestly, this was two weeks ago and Ive been talking to my married friend who said 'bro it's over with, no need to go back and re kindle the issues' he said it's great I recognized my problem and in fixing it. He said I should tell if it was a continuous thing but in this case it's better to brush it under the rug. I'm kinda feeling what he says. Same as FISHDISH said. Me and my girl are already passed whatever happened and it will never happen again, a lot of me is telling myself to drop it and just let it go. I want to leave this all behind and just move forward, if I can't live with it I'll tell her but really though, it's not something I'll do again and I'm so ashamed over it. If anything ever happens down the line with her doing the same thing or cheating or anything then hey, it would have happened either way. I've never cheated and never plan on it. i think I'll just explain that alcohol has ruined a lot for me and until she came into my life I never had to urge to quit. I want to move on from this, I don't want to tell her, ruin our relationship and destroy everything we have. She would be super hurt, I want to protect her heart. I'm not using that as an excuse but this seems like a situation where not going into depth about it is the best choice. Not over something like this, now if I was sober and did that? Id tell her to find a better man because I'm not a good one for her. I believe I can stay alcohol free forever im actually super excited and feeling great without it. What's your opinions on this?
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (22 July 2016):
I think if I were in her shoes, and you explained both the depth of your regret, your recognition of how serious it was, as well as the fact that this would not have happened if it weren't for your unhealthy binging and your taking responsibility and taking active steps to ensure it never happens again COULD be enough for me to feel comfortable working through it. I wouldn't bank on it, but I think there may still be a chance that you two can work through this.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (22 July 2016):
 I think when people have issues with Alcohol, something like this needs to happen in order for them to look at themselves and say this needs to stop. I am glad you have realized that, and I hope you stick to not drinking, it can be tough so make sure you have back up in case you need some help or someone just to talk to.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou know, aunt honesty i'm thinking you're right. Quitting alcohol is a huge huge decision for me, it's a serious life change. I think I'm going to explain exactly what happened and how it made me realize that it was time to stop after that night so this doesn't ever happen again in my future. I'm still bothered by it. I don't ever want to lose control of myself to a substance of any sort again . I prefer to live my life in control and full of positivity. If she understands, that would be awesome. I feel like the relationship will end sometime after I did tell her, that's why I don't want to, plus she'll probably never be able to trust me again but that's understandable. If that's the case, I'll take this as a great great lesson move on and never make the same mistake again. This will allow me to experience major growth as a person. I'm so angry that it happened, but at the same time i'm actually very thankful that the desire and realization of needing to quit came into my life! I needed this!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (21 July 2016):
I think the real question here is do you think you will be happy in the relationship keeping it from her? If you do then that's okay carry on, but you strike me as the sort of person who will feel guilty and carry that on throughout the relationship, not only do I fear you will carry guilt I think you will also get more trust issues in regards to her.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThe thing is, she doesn't know about the fishing and tthere was no flirting. Only me telling her about someone writing me, then the huge argument back n forth
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (20 July 2016):
Yeaa I don't think it's necessary to tell her there were other indiscretions in your blacked out state. I don't think there's any benefit of being like "hey baby, my bad, it wasn't one girl I messaged, it was 4, let me tell you the play by play." You have already recognized what you did was wrong, and the destructive role alcohol has in your life. I think it'd be different if something actually happened with these ladies, but you were just aimlessly (I do NOT mean harmlessly, but not particularly effectively) fishing/flirting. And I think she's already learned that that was part of that night, and that, coupled with you apologies about how unhealthy you were being that night, I think covers everything.
At the same time, you seem to have A LOT of anxiety about this. Go to a couple of AA meetings, or generalized counseling, as they may help you process recent events.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone for your answers so far. To clarify, everything was going good between my girlfriend and I it was a Saturday night and I was with family just playing cards and having some drinks. Before I blacked out somebody that I used to talk to you wrote me a message on Snapchat, sometime after blacking out for some stupid reason I told my girlfriend that a girl I used to talk to you wrote me. she told me to tell her that I have a girlfriend and for some reason being blacked out I wrote LOL and another LOL then about an hour later after arguing I wrote to the girl saying hey I have a girlfriend. I have absolutely no idea why I wrote the two LOL's and because of the two LOL's she thought that I was talking to this other girl and that's when we got to arguing. At that point I wasn't talking to anyoneand I know this because I send my girlfriend a picture of my block list on Snapchat with that girl on it after sending her a screenshot of me telling her that Ihave a girlfriend. Based off the messages I saw re read in the morning I realized that we we arguing for 3 to 4 hours during this whole time I was completely blacked out after drinking 1 pint of vodka one tall can of beer and multiple other coronas. After waking up I realize that I had sent a message to someone else this is a different girl than the first one that wrote me but she hadn't read the message and before she had the chance to I deleted the message and I blocked her on my Snapchat so she would never see it. After opening my web browser on my phone I realized that I was on craigslist searching the personal section. I quickly checked my email to see if I had emailed anyone in there was three emails only two of them which were scams. One of which all I emailed them was call me and they replied with "yep". The morning after she didn't really make a big deal of it but I apologized and told her I'm so sorry for my actions and I am truly sorry and it will never happen again and that I'm deciding to quit drinking alcohol because it's harmed my life and nothing I won't let it anymore. I apologize for my actions but didn't mention that I was on craigslist in the personal section or that I had wrote another girl on Snapchat saying suck my dick with two laughing Emoji's that were crying tears. I didn't want to tell her while she was in Costa Rica and make her trip horrible I wanted to wait until she got back to talk to her and let her know that I'm truly sorry and I'm also truly hurt as a person that I've done that it's a huge mistake of me and I I really don't know what to do about it. I'm trying to figure out what to do I've already apologized about the arguing and said that I made a mistake by being drunk and that will never happen otherwise I let the alcohol take control and I told her I'll be quitting she told me she hopes that I stay true to my word and not only for mainly for me as a person and to grow I am quitting drinking. Everything is good right now but I want to create a 100% honest and open relationship to where we can work through anything. Would I be saying too much by mentioning the craigslist in the Snapchat message after already apologizing and moving forward from it and knowing the mistake and what I can do to fix it? I understand that it was me that did it but it was me not being in control of m.yself or knowing what I was doing while being under the influence of massive amounts of alcohol on an empty stomach. I don't know whether it is unnecessary honesty to tell her about what she would never know about or the fact that nothing happened or if you would be the right thing to do in the best thing to do to tell her in complete honesty and openness for the future
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (20 July 2016):
 I'm a bit confused. You only spoke to two women besides your girlfriend, correct? One of whom she knows about and the other she does not? Are these two women local? You said you used to talk to one of them. You didn't meet up in person though, right?
I'm not sure what the ^^^ is. Is that some kind of code for explicit sexual messages?
Ok, if it's just the two women and nothing more was said, then just leave it be. Close those accounts entirely. You have no need for them if you're serious about your girlfriend.
As for your trust issues, I think it's worth noting that YOU did exactly what you feared she would do given the chance. Despite the fact that you've been cheated on before and have never done it yourself, it clearly was in you to do. I think you need to reflect on your own trustworthiness before demanding it of others.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (19 July 2016):
I think you are looking for us to say good on you for deciding to stop drinking, don't tell her what you done, because hey it was not you, it was the alcohol.
Look never use alcohol as an excuse for your behavior, you are the one that done this, not anyone else, so yes it was you, and alcohol is not an excuse, if you cannot control your drinking then yes stopping is for the best, how would you like if you heard your girlfriend had been messaging other boys and joined a dating site? Then how would you feel if it was someone else who told you and she was hiding it from you? Look it sounds like you have a good girl and you are the one with the trust issues, and you are the one who should not be trusted, you know you done a mistake and well that is good, learn from it, it is your choice weather to tell her or not.
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A
female
reader, fishdish +, writes (19 July 2016):
If it was only this night that you were on the online dating sites and messaging other girls, I don't think it's necessary to go into everything you got up to. If this is something you've been doing even while sober, then I think you should come clean.
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (19 July 2016):
 I'm not sure what you are looking for here. You say you recognise the problem, and that you are dealing with it. That's all good.
You need to assess how much of a problem alcohol is for you. Do you need to give up entirely, or just not binge drink?
One other thing I think you should take on board is that while your behaviour may be out of character, it was you - no-one else.
It sounds like you have a lovely girlfriend. Hang on to her. She sounds like a 'keeper'.
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