A
female
age
51-59,
*edAthena
writes:More of a vent than a question, but input is appreciated.I am a 42 yo, single parent who has taken a hiatus from dating for awhile. I seem to keep attracting men that just do NOT have their lives together or much to offer other than sex. I have a casual male friend who I have known for a few years. He recently let me know that he is very attracted to me, thinks I'm a lovely person, etc. I was very flattered and thanked him. I appreciated his ego boost, but have not given him any inclination that I am interested in more than a friendship with him.He IS very funny and sweet, artistic, quirky, etc. Many qualities I DO like. However, after knowing him long enough, I also know he struggles with depression, keeping a job, and obsessive compulsive disorder. Those are HUGE turnoffs for me, so I have always kept him in friend zone.Last week, we had a really in depth conversation. He came out and asked what kind of man I was looking for in my life. I was really impressed he ASKED, but I also know he was asking me subtly if I was interested in him. This man has NEVER even attempted to ask me OUT on a date, but tells me that I would be a wonderful person to be with. I KNOW he is lonely and has been down for the last few months. (Another reason just to be friends! I do NOT want to be the therapist for someone working out their issues!)Well, I made a joke/silly comment on my Facebook (I swear FB is evil, people read far TOO Much into it!!!) regarding how I seperate the boys from the men in my dating life. You guessed it, he took it personal and commented that "he guess he was out of the running".First, there was no race! He was NEVER a contestant.I DO like this person, but not enough to get into a relationship with! If I can not see myself Later in a private IM, he lets me know that I shot him down because he felt like I was calling him a "Boy". I now feel like he is acting like one!Right now, I am just backing off and letting him sulk it off. If my friendship is meaningful, he will accept that for what it is. I also believe that he will realize he NEEDS to sort out his life to make himself more datable/relationship material for ANYONE. I realize that I hurt his feelings and apologized and the FB comment was not a potshot at him. It actually was a potshot at MY EXHUSBAND!!As for me, my life calls for someone who is more stable in their life. Frankly, nothing turns me on more than being the MUSE to someone getting their life on track again...but that is another issue.Ok folks, let me have it. Am I overlooking something? Or could I have handled it differently?
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (7 August 2011):
 people, the point of this this thread seems to have been lost somewhere along the line doesn't it?
the op is not asking for opinions on her writing style of the use of capitals or anything else. please stay on topic or else it makes pretty pointless reading.
@redathena - i for one think you have done the right thing. i too would have avoided a relationship with a man with problems such as his. if he wants to get a good girlfriend he needs to sort himself out first, it really is that simple. you should not feel bad that you did not want to take this project on
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (6 August 2011):
RedAthena is verified as being by the original poster of the question Actually, if you have read other responses I gave to other readers, I have agreed and considered opinions different than my own on this subject.
I do not agree with you and I have a different writing style. This does not make me rude.
No one is forcing you to read.
I think I am allowed to defend myself here, especially if I am the OP.
You are completely right about one thing. Clearly you have NO IDEA:) Best Wishes to you.
""I have no idea if you can't handle a different opinion and therefore you come accross as quite rude, or it is just the tone you write things.
I am bowing out because if you WANT to USE CAPS to EMPHASISE things work on IT, as no one can TELL if you ARE angry or SARCASTIC or JUST DEFENSIVE or HAPPY?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2011): Single parents do tend to attract men just after sex,i have found. Perhaps they see the women as lonely and up for a quickie or FWB cos they are going without and gagging!Alot of the older men have children of their own - some grown n left - and don't want to have somebody elses to worry about. I wouldn't want to live with children again.It does limit the men you can date and taking a break to look at yourself is wise. You can get angry at where life has taken you and being a single parent, personally I focused on the children and forgot the men, made life a whole lot simpler. When I did date it was somebody who understood,didnt want to move in, we enjoyed our time together.It worked as there were no demands
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): Taking potshots at men in general where you have a broad audience to advertise to, doesn't make you look very good and would definitely be a turn off to any stable man who saw that. I'm not knocking you..you can say whatever you want to whomever you want but this is the type of mentality that will keep the unstable men in your life and drive the good ones away. So will a lot of casual friendships with men who don't have their lives together. I applaud your efforts to remain single until you figure things out. Positivity and a more softer, feminine energy will go along way in attracting the type of men who are worth partnering with...not the spineless or unavailable or inappropriate ones who will be drawn in to your issues or exploit them.
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female
reader, Orbiter +, writes (5 August 2011):
I don't think you could have handled it much differently really. The only thing I'd suggest (from personal experience) is if you consciously try to show you're not interested in anything more than friendship by actions and dropping subtle hints and he still doesn't get it/accept it, then it could be better to be very upfront with him and tell him you're not interested - in a tactful way but also so there's no confusion. Otherwise it leads to false hope on his part and he'll keep trying to see if there's a chance for anything more.
Once he knows where he stands there's far less chance of misunderstandings occuring and might help keep friendships intact.
As for the other issues...what you look for in a man is up to you. In all honestly I can see why he might think the FB comment was aimed at him but if you've explained it and apologised then there's not much more you can do. If you keep attracting the same sort of men then as mentioned earlier it could be where you meet them or just probabilty. Maybe you could try to initiate things next time with a man who's more your type instead of them coming to you.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (5 August 2011):
RedAthena is verified as being by the original poster of the questionquote: "O.P, I think this is very telling about your outlook on men. First you say there is nothing wrong with a man not wanting to date a woman with kids. Then you proceed to explain their choice by basically saying they are mentally inferior to men who will accept your kids. """
Sorry, but you are offbase. I do not disrespect any man different than me. I never said men were mentally inferior to accept my children-a man actually said he did not have the capacity to deal with "another man's responsibility".
My writing may not be that articulate, and the responsibility of an accurate description does fall on me, so I can see how you would read it that way.
I do not feel disrespected when I have a quality about me or my life either. I do not feel inferior if a man tells me I am too old, too tall, too opinionated either. I am all those things and they are not going away. I respect a man who is upfront with what HE wants in a relationship too.
I am asking for the qualities that are the best fit for ME and my life up front. It is not a dismissal of any man in general for being inferior in anyway. I know that I would be compromising merely for the companionship.
It is SMART for an adult to say "That is a good person, but we would make a bad couple." Regardless of gender.
Dear sir, I do not need to convince you that I believe in this. I know I do.:)
Another anonymous poster tapped on something regarding why I attract a type of person who does not have their act together. (Meaning their life really is not open to a mature, healthy, relationship with room to grow.) You are absolutely right that it reflects on where I meet them.
That is why I took a huge step back to reassess my life and take a break from dating. I had to refocus on what I wanted and what I thought was best for me. I had to think about what *I* offer and the kind of person who is happy to recieve that. I figured I was being emotionally responsible to back up and gain some perspective, rather than blindly crash into another ill-fitting relationship. Again, nice guys, just not right for me.
So, I changed my efforts to work on ME instead right now.
My FB comment was said to a group of family and friends that knew WHY I said what I did, and ONLY this male friend that is attracted to me took offense. Once again, I reassured him that it had nothing to do with him and he understood.
The thing is folks, words do not always emcompasse the true meaning of a person's mind and heart. The best way to get the most authentic "message" from a person is with their voice, face, touch, etc. My friend gets it and no one who actually READ the comment felt it was insensitive in any way. So, I am letting the FB issued die right here and will not be commenting on it any more. Thanks!
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 Male anon said: "First you say there is nothing wrong with a man not wanting to date a woman with kids. Then you proceed to explain their choice by basically saying they are mentally inferior to men who will accept your kids. "
That's not what the OP said. She said they aren't mentally capable of handling children, it doesn't mean they are retarded or less of a man or anything, you're the one who reads that into it. If a man isn't ready to have children then he isn't mentally prepared for children, and so, no, he is not mentally able to handle children. It doesn't mean he's inferior! Just means he isn't mentally set for it! Doesn't have that experience and never wanted it. Just like not everyone will be mentally set for bunjee jumping, doesn't mean they're inferior to those who are.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): My take on it would be that although agree that there's nothing wrong with your reasons for not wanting to date him, and indeed that you're certainly not obliged to humour anyone that you're not interested in- and its usually kinder to be straight up with anyone to minimise any risk of them hanging on to hopes and getting led on.
BUT I do think that the timing of the ‘Facebook’ comment was insensitive and, even at any time- quite a callous comment to make publically at any time.
Surely you're old enough to know better than to show off with condescending insults on 'Facebook'?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): O.P. said:
"There are men that have asked me out and found out I had children. They are childless by CHOICE. I did not get all hurt by that. It was best they let me know UP FRONT that was their dealbreaker! They do not have the mental ability or capacity to accept them in the future. That does not mean the differences or deal breakers make us bad people. It just means we are a bad MATCH."
O.P, I think this is very telling about your outlook on men. First you say there is nothing wrong with a man not wanting to date a woman with kids. Then you proceed to explain their choice by basically saying they are mentally inferior to men who will accept your kids.
From what I read in this whole thread you do not really respect men who are different from what you want. Totally aside from dating them, you just don't respect them as equals in general. You give lip service to the idea that different is not inferior but you don't really believe it.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2011): Before I answer your question, I want you to know your post is a refreshing change from most of the ones I come across. Like everyone else, I have a certain degree of compassion for anyone who is suffering, but it can be very frustrating constantly reading about women who will tolerate almost anything from a man because they 'love him so much'. If your FB comment was made shortly after your conversation, then I can understand him wondering if it was directed at him. However, he could have handled it with more class and maturity than he did. You did nothing wrong as far as I can tell and I absolutely agree that you should let him sulk it off. 'If my friendship is meaningful, he will accept that for what it is.' - Well said.I couldn't agree more with everything you have said here and I wish more women (and men) shared your philosophy. There would be far more happy and healthy relationships in the world.As for why you seem to be attracting men who don't have their act together, I think that's just a phase. That or where you're meeting them. If you want a man who is as intelligent, articulate and well put together as you are, then go where they go, assuming you aren't already. Beyond that, I wouldn't change anything you're doing. More suitable candidates are bound to come along eventually and it doesn't hurt to weed out those who aren't in the meantime.
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female
reader, DanceInTheDark  +, writes (5 August 2011):
 I think you handled it pretty well. It's not your fault that he has your deal breakers.
He's never asked you out, and yet he makes passive aggressive comments on your facebook. I can honestly see why you aren't interested.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (4 August 2011):
RedAthena is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMarieClaire..
No dear. You missed the point. But, thanks for participating.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): You weren't obligated to respond because the guy never asked you out. He basically told you that you were hot and the best response would have been a "thank you". End of story. In a nutshell: he's not looking to date you or to change into your version of relationship material. He just thinks you are attractive and would have sex with you if you literally chased after the bone he dangled in front of you.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (4 August 2011):
RedAthena is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi MarieClaire,
I am not looking for someone without baggage, but I do not have the resources to emotionally support someone with deep depression issues OR financial issues because they can not find their dream job.
Venting about an ex is not UNHEALTHY by the way. I was in the safety of freinds who know all the details of WHY it was said is perfectly fine. (My FB is ONLY set to people I actually know and associate with in my life. Most of them know eachother!)
Yes, EVERYONE has their "stuff" and quirks that make a person stamp them undatable or undesirable for a romantic situation. On the contrary, I could see myself being VERY attracted to this man, but his own well-being is not good for a long term relationship.
There are men that have asked me out and found out I had children. They are childless by CHOICE. I did not get all hurt by that. It was best they let me know UP FRONT that was their dealbreaker! They do not have the mental ability or capacity to accept them in the future.
That does not mean the differences or deal breakers make us bad people. It just means we are a bad MATCH.
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female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (4 August 2011):
RedAthena is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks folks, yes..I did tell him that my sarcastic rant in my FB was over my ex, not him. I apologized that it was read that way! (I did slip that fact in my OP).
I do value his friendship.
Dear Rescue, sorry dear, but if I choose to banter, that will be MY choice for me. You can choose to bow out:)
Why should'nt I post what I want on my FB to my circle of friends who DO know me well. I am not one of those people collectors with 400+ online friends. I actually know everyone on my list. The friend that was upset even realized it was not about him.
The comment that FB is evil was called SARCASM. GOOGLE it.
Even HERE, mere words are misinterpreted. I know not everyone will agree with me, but I think too many people "mine" FB for info when they could just talk directly to the person for better understanding.
There is no hidden agenda in my comment to boost "internet intrest" as you suggest.
You are correct that I analyzed him. That is a very valid point. However, I dissagree with overemphasizing what he said. The hurt friend is the one that said "guess I am out of the running". His words, not mine.
Not quite sure how that equals silly and self-centered.
I am trying to figure out if I left something out that I SHOULD have said or could say later. I certainly do not wish the guy any harm, but I will not apologize for my dating standards either.
He can only speak for himself and I should most definely NOT do the same. SO, I thank you for that realism.
which is fair game when you come on here.
Thank you. Well aware of it and that is why I was OPEN to examining my own thinking.
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (4 August 2011):
Tell him the truth perhaps? He asked you, so he should be prepared for an honest answer. Or are you trying to shelter him from the truth and "protect" him somehow? The fact of the matter is he is too emotionally and financially unstable for you to even consider him a partner. If he had his shit together, to be blunt, he would have made a lovely partner as he has many great attributes. It's just that the dealbreakers are there. Why pull the wool over his eyes when he was upfront and asked you?
I think the reason he read so much into your facebook comment was that he asked a question that you didn't answer, so until you do he'll be looking for hidden answers and clues in anything you say or do.
Are you scared of losing him as a friend? Is that why you'd rather not tell him the truth? As I see it, you offer friendship, which he is aware of. He seeks more. He is adult, and should be prepared to be rejected without that meaning he can't continue to be your friend. After all you never flirted with him or gave him any idea that you wanted more out of him than friendship. So make him responsible for his own choices instead of making them YOUR responsibilities. Give him the answer he wants and leave him to deal with it in whatever way he wants to.
If you are a true friend to him you will be honest with him anyway.
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female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (4 August 2011):
i think you handled it ok. you have still been nice to him, you could have run a mile in the other direction when he started showing you he liked you, but you didn't! you have never taken your friendship away from him. He is probably well aware of his faults and it hurts him to face up to them, but he should not expect you to be with him to 'fix' all his problems. I am sure that when he gets over his little sulk he will be back and accept his place in the friend zone.
you can't fall for someone just coz they want you to. This bloke doesn't sound like he would be my cup of tea either (the depression and joblessness are bad points)
if he wants a better chance with women he needs to do some work on himself doesn't he? maybe this thing with you will give him a wake up call to do that.
did you tell him that the FB comments were a dig at your ex, not him? you don't want him to keep thinking you were ridiculing him on FB
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 August 2011): Now I know why I am single - my life lurches along never smoothly.. family probs,friends probs, never mind my own - so I guess I will always be an also ran and in the friend zone!!!We all have our standards though and I would never date a man who was jobless long term and without the urge to ever work, no matter if he was gorgeous, kind and funny - I am a hard worker always have beenWe look for a partner who matches us I guess, and our values, our equal. This man clearly liked you and sees you as a strong person he could lean on but he's not for you romantically and now he knows , which is good for you both,obviously he's hurt at the moment cos he saw things differently, but he will come round - or vanish, either way problems solved.
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