A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What makes some men spend more money on one girlfriend but not another. I ask because my partner got into a lot of debt for his ex but he doesn't really spend much on me. What gives? Also, I'm not being biased but I'm a better gf because I'm more chilled out, we have more in common therefore less arguments and also I come with less baggage, we have been together longer, he speaks of marriage with me and things are just great. The only difference is that I am a coloured person and she was white. Is this is the reason? Some kind of subconscious feeling that white women are worth more than black/asian women? (my partner is white btw).
View related questions:
debt, money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Alfredo1400  +, writes (20 August 2010):
maybe she was a golddigger. theyre usually really good at sex cuz thats what they use to get what they want. and after theyres no more god to dig for like in your husbands case. they leave.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): "its just that to me it seems like he loved her more because of the stuff he bought her" Wrong, wrong, wrong-wrong-wrong!
Would you pay for something that someone was giving you for free?
You're not getting what we are saying. He didn't love her more, he was trying to keep her and win her over by buying her love, because she was using him you see. You're a different person, you never used him for money, you never made money the thing he had to give you to make you stick around, you were willing to be with him without making him give you lots of money.
Does money equal love to you? If a guy comes along tomorrow and buys you a gold watch, does that mean he loves you more than your boyfriend does? Because that's what you're basically saying.
Do you really want a boyfriend that is so insecure in your relationship that he has to shower you with gifts because he thinks you'll leave if he doesn't? That's what his ex wanted.
Or would like him to just buy you stuff instead of investing in your relationship emotionally or satisfying your other needs?
"I introduced the race issue as thats the only thing I could think of." Ask yourself why that is the only you can think of. Ask yourself if what you're now thinking is so illogical the only thing you can think of is that you look different than her.
It's simple, lots of people have given you good explanations to this already but I think it just boils down to retro-jealousy. You're looking at his past relationship with her and you're comparing yourself to his ex, you say she's pretty and blond you're not, you say he spent more money on her than you and you're using both of these to come to conclusion, after 4 years together!!! that he somehow loved her more than he loves you. I'm sorry but you need to wake the hell up! He's with you, he loves you, he's talking about spending the rest of his life with you, you complete him and are his everything, he's kind to you, he's proud to be with you and he would do anything for you. Yet you seem to think he loved her more? Seriously? I think you're grasping at straws, there is nothing about her likes more than you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): To strong fp: I understand what you are saying. But then I have been with him for almost four years and he was with her for just under two. So surely, by now he knows.
To Cerberus: You are right about the quality of the relationship. He often says that I am a great partner. I do pay half for almost everything and treat him for birthdays etc. He often says that he gets treated really well by me and that I make him feel special. Again, you are right at the slightest hint of financial insecurity (for me) he is there offering to pay for my food shopping etc. So es he does help and I do appreciate it. But I always pay back. I have always been the type never to take people for granted ESP if they help me out in some way. I have never not paid anyone back- if they were kind enough to offer me money at a time of need then I have enough integrity to pay it back.
However, its just that to me it seems like he loved her more because of the stuff he bought her. I mean he got into some serious debt and he is still paying it off to this day so its does that mean she is worth more?
I introduced the race issue as thats the only thing I could think of. She was a pretty blonde and well..I'm not. I have dark hair and dark skin and I couldn't help but wonder if somehow the need for him to take care of her stems from the fact that she was so light and delicate looking.
...............................
A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (19 August 2010):
 I used to do this. It's a case of learning the hard way I couldnt buy love. The more women I dated the less I would spend.
Sure still take them for dinner and small gifts but nothing big.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (19 August 2010):
 I also think he just learned a valuable lesson and needs to keep a better eye on his finances. It has absolutely has nothing to do with you or your skin color. He is just being wiser with his money. Enjoy your relationship and don't sweat this, it's small potatoes.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): Once bitten twice shy, ever heard that phrase? Well there's an element of that in it.
I too had a girlfriend that cost me a lot of money in the past and left me with debt. The thing with this girl was that she was pretty fine with money in the beginning of our relationship until we'd gotten serious, then it started with small amounts she needed for things and snowballed from there. The thing is, she was my love so of course I was going to help her any way that I could and yes I just got burned.
Now that I know what to look for and how it works, I don't get into relationships with leeches anymore. I've had one, I'm not going to have another. Like your guy, I went for a woman that was happy paying her own way, that liked her financial independence and wasn't afraid to spend money on me too from time to time. Like your guy I went for a woman that could be my equal partner and not my co-dependent.
It's not about race and you know that, there's nothing conscious, subconscious or anything like that in this. The fact is he was lucky to find a woman like you, a woman he can get on with, has very arguments with, a woman who is chilled out and I assume doesn't ask for anything without giving back. A woman he obviously loves and even talks about spending the rest of his life with.
For him it's not about money, I'm sure if you had financial difficulties he'd be the first to offer you money. His last relationship he tried to buy the woman's love by spending lots of money on her and getting into debt. He was lucky to find in you a woman that was willing to give her love to him in return for his love.
That is what your relationship is, an equal partnership. Do not put lower the significance of this relationship by putting a price tag on it. What you give him is worth more than all the money in the world to him. Most importantly it also makes you the better woman.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 August 2010): I'd say you and he probably have something much deeper than the materialistic stuff with his old girlfriend - people tend to create something based on money when there is nothing more there. Also, he could have learnt not to spend too much/get into debt just to try and impress a woman. Sounds like you have something much more serious than he did with the ex, and that is much more important than money.
...............................
|
