A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:what makes a person interesting?Im an accepting and kind/caring person, Im quieter, single,a few friends who I see occasionally but are often very busy, but I enjoy conversation one to one and in small groups and I can be quiet assertive even pushy, when I need too.I try to be interested in others and listen, I don't make it "all about me" as so many people do and Im not all egoIm not nasty or b*tchy, Im a little socially awkward, as some of us are..(past teen bullying and shyness) but I try and Im getting there. I work and I do my best and am an average worker no issues.the issue is no matter how hard I try (and no I don't try too hard I know what that does.. ive seen it..) people rarely open up to me and share things, as people do in conversation.. Yes I know this is their business.. but.. it seems everyone I know, even colleagues at work, or aquaintances, know things before me.. and are more interesting than me even if they border on rude..Im not rude.why do some rude people have it all?Im always the last to know, also with my younger brother and sister and their families,( we all live in diff. places and don't often see each other) who tell each other before me and I hear it 2nd hand via my mother, this hurts my feelings, as Im part of the family too, Im the odd older sister I think..what can I do to make myself seem like a person who is Ok to talk to and who might be ok to be around.? I know about body language as Ive read about it yrs ago. why do some people make so little effort and get everywhere and some of us try and get nowhere.. please don't say I don try with people, as this will be seen as an insult.. I feel like giving up.what makes a person interesting to be around.. why are some people ignored..obviously im not. intersting.. acc. to others
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female
reader, Euphoric29  +, writes (4 October 2014):
Dear OP,
I am sorry you are hurt by some of the advice you are given. Please remember, it's an online site and it's very, very difficult to guess the real problem, when being faced with a written post. There is a lot of room for misunderstanding and unclarity.
We can't make the world a better place. We can only suggest ways that you adapt to the world in a way that satisfies your needs. If you are always faced with the same difficulties, it would indeed be best if you investigate your own contribution to the problem. You've been given good ideas what could be your contribution, don't be too proud to read them through once more.
In your last comment, I found this line: " ..many people are inherently selfish and most let their eyes glaze over and don't listen and don't want to know about me, only them.."
Yes, OP, many people are inherently selfish - but not all. Most let their eyes glaze over - but not all. You say so yourself.
Why don't you focus on the good interactions, as well? And try to analyze, why and how did some of your conversations turn out well? Who are the people that are interested in you? And how can you spend more time with them? If you only focus on the people that reject you, for instance your brother and sister, you make yourself very miserable.
So, maybe for a start, just change the way you see things. Not generalize the problem too much, but analyze, like a sports coach, where and when do things go well and when do they go wrong?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 October 2014):
 I posted before seeing your update and... that may be part of the problem.
The way you see yourself.
You call yourself a " freaky spinster "... you SEE yourself like a " freaky spinster "... ( YOU are insulting yourself ! ). If deep down you believe that, then, subconsciously and inevitably, you are going to act "as if " you were a freaky spinster, to " advertise " yourself as a freaky spinster, and... are you surprised that people is not into freaky spinsters ?. No, sorry, they are not.
I think it all should start from a change of perception- from a makeover of how you SEE and THINK of yourself.
Easier said than done, I know. A long and hard job, and maybe you'd need guidance for that . It could be worth doing it though- only you can decide about that.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 October 2014):
1 ) I am not going to lie to you, if you are shy and withdrawn that penalizes you. It may be unfair, then again life is unfair.
Being a good listener makes you a good person, not necessarily an interesting one. An interesting one is one who can ADD to the conversation, rather than just assisting to it silently - one that can CONTRIBUTE to it and liven it up, by sharing her knowledge, experiences, points of view ( possiblly in an entertaining way, of course ). A good conversationalist is interesting even if you never agree with a single one of their opinions.
Besides, unluckily a shy person is often mistaken for an aloof, standoffish or hostile one. Again... not fair, but not everybody has the perceptivity or sensitivity- or just the time, patience and capability to help shy, quiet people to come out of their shell.
2 ) There is much good sense in what Euphoric 29 says. Some times you MUST " make it all about yourself " !. It is true that generally people like to be listened when they talk about their life and pursuits, and even more to be directly ASKED about them- but then, they sort of expect you to reciprocate and to share of yourself. It's frustrating when you open up to somebody ( or even just, tell them all about your last weekend :)- and, on turn, they ...talk about the wheather. In terms of effective, warm communication, always leaving center-stage to other people is not a winning idea ,after all. You may think you are being polite , but in practice it may pass as if you are bored, or can't bother to be on the same level with them.
3 ) You'd like people to open up more to you- how do you / did you react when they do ?
Have you got a sense of humour, can you take a joke, or even a criticism ,with aplomb ? do you take umbrage easily ? do you get very emotional when the content of the message is not totally of your liking ? Are you one who worries a lot, or over-analyzes things ?... can you accept to hear unplesant truths, or upsetting news , or opinions you disagree with, remaining relatively unfazed, and open to debate ?....
If in the past you reacted " badly " to things you have been said- it is possible that you are not being told much, to PROTECT you. To not make you angry , or sad , or anxious. To shield an excess of sensitivity
( as introverts tend to have ).
I am saying this, because I think probably this is more a problem of ineffective communication, than of you not being "born" an interesting person. Yes, some people have the knack to make friends and to be social, others don't but, ultimately, interesting is in the eyes of the beholder. Different people can be interesting to different audiences, (like, a young mom always talking about babies will be interesting to other young moms , but much less so to non-parents ).
So, probably it's also a matter of finding your own
" niche " and I think you can speed up the process if you go first and open up first. I do not mean " try harder ". All I mean, is - suppose you have a passion for astrology, or gourmet cuisine, or anything... well, how would they know if you don't tell them. How can they take an interest in what makes you tick , in what excites you and inspires you, if they don't know what it is.
Once YOU feel that YOU are an interesting person with interesting things to say / share / show , ...you can just be yourself AND let them partake of what you have to offer in intellectual / emotional terms, after all you are doing THEM a favour. Sooner or later, some people
( the right people ! ) is going to take up your offer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 October 2014): this is the posterI am not stuck up wiseowlE and never have been,I am humble and caring and never narcissistic; you have insulted meI am a kind and decent person who is always ignored despite trying, not being fake and yes, sharing info about me too, but many people are inherently selfish and most let their eyes glaze over and don't listen and don't want to know about me, only them..Please stop being nasty and acting like its all my fault! my bro and sis have always been close and me the odd one out, always.. I am the "freaky spinster" aunt that people pretend around. No one wants to see the real me.
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A
female
reader, Euphoric29 +, writes (2 October 2014):
Dear OP,
I am not sure why you always know things last. But my first guess is that you are ignoring a common unwritten rule: that people share more information with those who also share more information.
They made studies about this and it's scientifically proven that self-revelation and sharing things makes any person more trustworthy to others and is more likely to also be given information.
If you tell more personal things, others will also tell you more personal things.
If you don't open up, others also won't open up. It's not the interest alone that counts. It's also whether or not you're showing yourself to the others.
Maybe your idea of not making it "all about you", and then in turn being interested in others, indeed is rather seen as pushy than trustworthy. Personally, I don't like conversation partners that don't tell me what's going on in their lives and investigate too much about my private life. I'll regret any personal information I shared and I'll feel exploited and betrayed for my trust.
Okay, this is just a guess. Hope it can be helpful.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2014): Some people are natural extraverts, and draw a lot of attention to themselves without effort.
If you like being the center of attention, you learn how to get it. I think you're focusing too much on a few particularly awkward incidents and they've stuck with you. Suddenly you're hypersensitive and feeling a little victimized. It's all about personality. We human beings are social animals. We need interaction and emotional connections in groups. We also need recognition and acknowledgement as individuals.
If you're socially awkward, you'll have the problems you've described. You are no longer in high school; but your mind is still there.
You can always contact family members and find-out whats going on. Making occasional visits keeps an active flow of communication open. Being warm to your family brings them closer.
Saying good morning and good afternoon, or hello with a smile; leaves a positive impression of your personality. If your face is expressionless, or you prefer to look away when people approach you. They don't forget. Eye-contact with a smile says a lot of nice things about you.
It is a matter of being proactive in the lives of your family; that keeps you in the fold. Remembering their anniversaries and birthdays, showing up for family events and celebrations; and keeping up with their Facebook updates. Staying connected by using social media as tools keeps you updated and aware of family-vacations and recent accomplishments. They assume you know things; because people update a lot of stuff on social media, and send Instagrams or tweets to alert each other what's going on. If you don't follow-up regularly, you may miss things. "Calls" are better than checking social media, or texting. They'll know you want to hear from them. So you have no excuse.
You don't always have to wait for people to approach you. You can invite them out to lunch. If you sit alone, or stand in the background all the time. People don't notice you. Being "pushy" may annoy more than attract people. I think you mean you can be assertive. That's good when stressing a point or getting your way. Not necessary to make a friend.
The following comments are not meant to offend you, but these are facts to be considered. Not just by you, but by others reading my response. I try to help the OP, and as many other readers as I can.
If you were a stuffy, moody, brooding, stuck-up teenager; that's how your siblings will always remember you. If you never call anybody; out of sight, out of mind.
Your siblings bonded to you, based on how you treated or related to them as you grew up together. If you only showed them how much they annoyed you, or made you feel jealous; why should they bother with you now? If you were a sweet and loving sister, there is no way they'd every leave you out. Sometimes it's not them, it's you. If they enjoyed being kids, and you didn't; they'll never forget that.
That's a lesson many haughty or pouting teenagers learn when they grow up. They maintain the same traits through their entire adolescence. Their attitude follows them well into adulthood. Brooding all the time and never enjoying life is how people will always perceive you. Sometimes your reputation proceeds you. People who've always known you figure you're the same as always.
People who don't usually show much interest in other people are usually ignored. Friendly outgoing people get attention. Your "deliberate efforts" come off as just that, forced and deliberate.
If you are the positive and upbeat person you describe yourself to be, you wouldn't have a problem being interesting. I think it stops where you said you were socially awkward.
You're probably a very lovely person, but that gets noticed only if you allow people in. If you've never gotten past teen bullying, then you should seek therapy or counseling. If you prefer to do it the old-fashioned way; then you fight with everything you have in you to just enjoy your life, and break the hold that bullying has on you, and move forward.
All teens get teased or bullied. Most outgrow it or overcome it. We should seek professional-help when we can't; especially if it is causing difficulties in interacting with others. Or, if it prevents us from maintaining healthy human/social relationships. If it becomes a disease on our psyche, we have to be treated.
I think you're comparing yourself to exceptional people you envy; which is going to make you feel inferior in comparison.
Your post is no doubt a flashback as to why are some people so "popular?" Which is often carry-over, or residual anxiety leftover from high school and/or college. Hating popular kids, instead of just having fun; and enjoying your own life as it is. They've got nothing special. They work with what they've got. They just like who they are, and enjoyed being alive. That's all you can do.
How interesting do you want to be? Get out and socialize and mingle. Public exposure makes you more comfortable and approachable. Entertaining and being a hostess gets you on
the party-list. Having a sense of humor and letting people hear you laugh shows your fun and playful side. Always being stern and serious, with a furrowed brow; sends out negative-signals. Your inner-frustrations involuntarily show in your facial-expressions.
You're not being ignored, you have a wall around you.
Shyness and being stand-offish gets people exactly what they deserve, isolation and loneliness. If they make no effort and let their shyness overrule their need to be included, being ignored is usually the result.
If you don't have a clinically-diagnosed social or mental disorder, it all comes down to making a sincere effort to be likeable and interesting. You don't have to be popular to be likeable. Sincerity, kindness, and friendless may not make you popular or interesting; but it makes you well-liked by all the right people. That's more important to me.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (2 October 2014):
 To me; interesting people are well-informed on current event, well-read and good conversationalists.Pople that share my interests are interesting. Good listeners, eclectic and love to travel. Now all these qualities are my own personal atributes. Different folks find different things interesting in people. For example there are even some women that find serial killers interesting and write to them in prison(go figure).
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A
female
reader, moon river  +, writes (2 October 2014):
 You sound defeated! I was having a similar problem. I moved abroad a long way from home and everyone in the community I live already had a clique. But after a while of being smiley and making an effort to ask them about themselves I found that people began to warm to me.
I was previously quite shy and had almost no friends at university but I just pushed my self.
Also I've worked as a waitress a lot and I find asking people about themselves is a nice way to communicate. Generally I try not to talk about myself too as I think I do that too much sometimes.
Anyway I hope this is helpful. It's basically just what goes through my head when I think about my own difficulties socialising
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