A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I asked you guys about my bf and father's relationship a few weeks ago. I would really appreciate it if you could help me out once again with my problem. I've been with my bf for over 3 yrs now. Him and his father don't get along at all and because of this, my bf was always very hesitant of me meeting his father. After listening and talking to his father, I've come to realize that my bf is right about him. He's a sociopath and is always trying to bash on his son. I recently friended him on fb and he once again took that opportunity to bash on my bf. Anyways, recently him and my bf had a huge fight over something and his father reached out to see if I could help. Even though he is always rude to his son, he talks to me a lot of respect. I didn't want to be rude to him, so I gave him my number. We had a very normal conversation about the issue they were having. I tried my best to explain things to my bf, but eventually, I had to let him know that I talked to his dad about the issue they were fighting over. But, here's my bigger problem: my bf is now mad at me because his father has my number and every time him and his father argue, his father is going to give me a call. My bf's mad because he warned me not to interact with his father through fb, txting, or calling, but I was too dumb to listen to him. He's also very mad because he can't stop thinking about his father hating on him to me behind his back. I literally begged him for a yr to let me accept his father's friend request on fb and now his father has my number. The issue that I discussed with his father is still not resolved and his father has already txted me to ask if I can talk to him about it some more, to which I couldn't do anything but agree. The bottom line is that I have a lot of respect for both of them, but no matter who's side I take, I will be disrespecting one of them. I don't want my bf to think that I'm listening to his father disrespect him behind his back. At the same time, I know that I can't change the way they are with each other, because they've always been like this with each other and probably always will be. I also can't completely shut my communication with his father now, because he may be my future father-in-law, regardless of how he is. What can I do now? I'm thinking that the best thing to do is let his father know that as much as I'm willing to help him get through to his son, I don't want to be "the negotiator" between them because it will always end up hurting me. What do you guys think? Can anyone please help me out with this. Thank you so much!!!! Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, LoveIsEternalToOnlyOne +, writes (4 October 2014):
This situation is not uncommon, my fiancé is sometimes negotiator between my mom and I if I choose to not listen. Now what you have to do is just tell them the truth that being basically the middle man, in your case the middle woman, is hurting you completely and you would like it if they would just let bygones be bygones because you only get one father and or one son, if they keep doing this back and fourth till one is long gone than the other will only regret their choice in the matter.I lost my father at age 7 and wouldn't always be the best at getting along as anyone at any age with family but he's no longer around to get along with, they can't just move on from the subject and be the best of buddies, they just need to pop a squat by an open fire camping with each other and come to realize the path their both headed is one that holds hands with regret, the question to ask them while you have both their attention is, "would you really both not get along to only regret these poor choices upon the death bed of the other?"Life has its times where people make choices throughout in and of itself, be close to whomever the family member may be, regardless of personal feelings because living with regret is worse than they think dissolving their tension towards each other may be... Would they rather be close while the other is still alive or once one of them passes on, I would do anything to have my father back in my life to meet his grandchildren or see his son get married, if that is nary either of their wishes tell them to cease communication till the other is passing on
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2014): What's done is done. If you gave his father your number and friended him on Facebook that's just fine. If your hot-headed boyfriend doesn't like it, too bad. You're a grown-woman and you friend whomever you like.
When his father calls, allow him to vent but tell him that you are neutral in your boyfriend's family-matters. You're neither a messenger nor a negotiator, but you can be a peace-maker. Peacemakers don't choose sides; they act as an ambassador to both sides to squelch hostilities, and avert confrontations. That is done by telling his dad that you only want to pass on good news, or take emergency calls. Period.
When your boyfriend is all fired up and trying to put you in the middle; leave the room and tell him you'll comeback when he has calmed down. If he doesn't want you in it, don't talk to you about it. Unless someone is your spouse, you cannot choose sides in family battles. You can if it directly involves YOU, your property, your kids; or your own family! If they're coming after you or yours, you have every right to defend yourself or your belongings.
When their hostilities spillover into your relationship; put your foot down hard. You don't have to put up with that crap. It's their problem! Not yours! Now is the best time to let them both know you will not tolerate anger being taken out on you, or being thrust in the middle. You'll be waltzing yourself right into a war-zone, if you get married. It will ruin your marriage, and your husband will not regard your feelings about it; because he knows you'd have to divorce him to get away from it.
I don't recommend you having private chats with your boyfriend's father if he doesn't want you to. That's fraternizing with the enemy, and you will be placing yourself squarely in the middle and asking for it.
If they don't know how to communicate without clashing, the best thing for them to do is not bother each other at all.
Don't talk unless it's an emergency, or someone needs help.
If all they ever have is disagreements, they both need family counseling. They will never get it, so they may as well stay the hell away from each other. He can't change his father. If he can't get along with him; then leave the man the hell alone!
Go find yourself a neutral-zone when they act like a couple of jackasses. Let them know how it is affecting you and that you don't have to sit around taking this. It is not the kind of environment conducive to raising a family.
Family-dysfunction is viral and contagious. Smart people are wise enough not to marry into them. Your household will just be an extension of the mess your boyfriend grew-up in.
You deserve better than that. As a father, he will be just as rash and bullheaded. They don't get along; because they're both stubborn and alike.
If your boyfriend wasn't a jerk himself, you wouldn't be going through any of this. He would handle it better, and you wouldn't be writing this post.
...............................
|
