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female
,
anonymous
writes: I started to hang out with a male friend about 3 months ago. He was keen to see me every weekend and would text me daily. He made me feel really special. People told me he wanted to be more than friends. Anyway, the last time we saw each other I wasn’t very bubbly (I now know that I was coming down with an illness). I’m sure he thought my behaviour meant I wasn’t interested in him when I am. Since that evening he hasn’t been texting me as frequently as he did. After a week he initiated contact and I told him I missed receiving his texts so he knows I like hearing from him. Didn’t hear from him for a while again and then he sent me a text when he heard I was ill, and I told him it was sweet of him to think of me.I’ve been trying to arrange to go out, because he chooses where we go all the time, but I’m not getting feedback from him. I haven’t been contacting him as much either because of this lack of feedback and just when I decide to move on he’ll send me a text saying how sorry he is for not contacting me and saying he’ll see when he’s free to go out and then I won’t hear from him for another week. I feel that he’s controlling this friendship and I seem to be letting him do this!! Eg. he seems to take it personally if I can’t see him when he wants to see me but when I’m available to see him he either doesn’t contact me or says he’ll see when he’s free. I know he’s been particularly busy lately but I feel like he’s slotting me into his schedule when he hasn’t got anything better to do. I feel very unimportant when he does this (which says more about my self-esteem?). It seems like one moment one is doing the chasing and the other backing off and then vice versa which I think is because there are some possible complications to us being a couple. We seem to be playing games all the time and I want them to stop.So, what is happening here and how I can handle the situation? If he’s not interested, why is he the one initiating contact each time, but then if he’s interested why does he not tell me when he’s free to go out? Does he want me as a friend or a girlfriend because I’m thinking I read his signals wrong? Now I've experienced this, I wonder if a relationship with him would survive anyway? He’s very shy and sensitive at times - could this explain his behaviour? He has many positive qualities but this problem is really frustrating me. I would particularly appreciate feedback from the guys’ perspective but advice from the girls welcomed too! Many thanks. I
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2006): From what I read in your posting, he enjoys being a good friend to you. His behaviours tell me, he's perhaps interested in being just a friend for now. But don't forget too-Friendships are the best way to begin potential love relationships. But for now, I do think your expectations are getting the best of you. When one individual becomes too emotionally attached, misunderstanding and problems happen. Your feelings of being 'slotted in when he has nothing better to do' indicate a problem. This is not his problem, it's yours and you own it. I would hold off expecting anything from him until you've gotten more clear indications that he wants to 'date' you and commit more to you. But remember, getting to that point needs time to build. Texting and getting together as friends, occasionally, is not an indicator, he wants more. I think you should 'detach' for a bit and think clearly of where you want this friendship to go. You are going to need to decide what type of relationship with him is more valuable-just friends or dating partners. If you want to date, then ask him about it. If you can't do that, then this would be a good time to get out there and build your social circles and learn how to gain some balance in your life, without falling 'hard and fast' for every guy who treats you well. You are in limbo right now so get out there, have fun, enjoy life, laugh and get yourself unstuck. But be friends with him but get it all in perspective. Who knows, things could change but protect your heart for now, until you know for sure. Good luck, dear
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