A
female
age
36-40,
*rissy27blue
writes:So I dated this guy let us call him J last semester and part of this semester. We broke up in Feb. of this semester. Last June the guy dated on and off for 4 yrs which we shall call C and I broke up and 2 months later J and I dated. Anyways J and I were best friends since 2007 and it was an easy transition since we dated in 2008 for a semester. My ex C and I spent time hanging out and I could confide in him more than J at times because C and I knew each other better.J thought that C and I were sleeping together or that I was cheatinng on him,then he dealt with the loss of his uncle and other misfortunes. I ended up being pregnant(yes people I was on the pill but I am also epileptic and my neurologist increased my dosage in one of the meds which made it less effective)which I found out only towards the end of the semester in November(the end of it).I turned to C in regards to my pregnancy due in part to J grieving the loss of his uncle, C took care of me and he took me for an untra sound then a couple of days later I had a miscarriage.During this time period of 3 weeks or so I would barely speak to anyone even my own family,was depressed,was about to get kicked out of my college classes, would not pick up the cell when J called and so forth.C was helping me thru this time and so were 3 other friends who knew. In Feb. J and I broke up and it was one of the ugliest if not the ugliest break up to man kind.He did not want anything to do with me yet would text my best friend which was also a good friend of his, 6 weeks after him and I broke up he goes after my friend and asks how she feels about him,he converts to Islam(her religion) and still asks her how she feels about him and she does not feel the same way that he does.So all in all it was very messy.My friend who we shall call H was just fed up of he said she said and drama and it reached a boiling point where she wanted out.He gave her an ultimatum to choose friendships either him or I,she replied neither and then later on chose my friendship over his as her and I made a deal that no guy would break our friendship. He was mad at her and would not speak with her. Anyways he would not speak with me,when he saw me at the bar he hangs out at and I would go there he would close his tab and leave, I asked him out for coffee on friendly terms and no strings attached,he turned me down but proposed and I was stupid to say yes only to find out later that he was drunk. His father gave us his blessings and his father is dealing with the loss of his job, lung cancer and depression from the cancer. 13 hrs later the engagement was off and we were on the "friends" terms.After that he did not want to talk with me but I wanted to be his friend which he rejected, he finally made it clear that the only way that we could get back together is if I were to get breast implants(I am a B cup) as in a C cup since I am not good enough or something and he even said he would pay.I turned it down but I am so petite as in 120 lbs and 5 foot 5 inches.After that we never spoke until I twttered him and asked him to come and pick up an important letter.I finally wanted to make peace with myself so I wanted him to know about the miscarriage.He never answered to the message so I called him and he sounded so cold.He asked me whose it was since he thought it was C's, he asked me if I was okay and when I mentioned that my family knows he made some comments of how he does not want drama and stress in his life.My question is: how is a miscarrige or a pregnancy drama in his life?He never had to deal with complications, not knowing for 6 weeks about the pregnancy,losing a human being and being depressed none the less paying with his grades.I left him alone ever since which was weeks ago but he still resents my friend for bringing us together to apologize 1 week after the break up which was 3 months ago...He resents me for idk what reason and he said that he does not love me...What kind of a cold hearted person is he?I thought that by not telling him when his uncle passed away I would save him more panic attacks and so forth...
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best friend, broke up, depressed, drunk, get back together, my ex, period, petite, text, the pill Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): It sounds like you are on the right track. Keep strong and don't think about J anymore - things with him are too messy now and any further involvement will probably upset you more. Learn from your mistakes - you are still young. Good luck!
A
female
reader, crissy27blue +, writes (10 May 2010):
crissy27blue is verified as being by the original poster of the question PS: I have not chased J but rather after the engagement he decided to be friends which ended on even worse terms.I can handle myself well but it is him who cannot handle with all these things.Yes accepting the proposal was stupid and so were my actions but I have had to grow up.I am done with college in August,am looking for a job and doing everything in my power to better my life.My family and close friends have kept me grounded and opened my eyes to the stupidity of my actions.Am I on a better path?Yes I am thankfully.C is still in my life a bit but not like before, I choose my friends more wisely and I am still friends with the friend that J hit on since her and I have a long history when it comes to our friendship.I learned that many teachers in my classes have seen me push me against the grain,myself and in the end do better than they thought which is what I wanted.I do not dwell on the past but rather embrace my mistakes.
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A
female
reader, crissy27blue +, writes (9 May 2010):
crissy27blue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes I have made some poor decisions but so so has he.I have only learned about J's actions about the break up and if you ask me when it comes to the accepting the marriage part it was an impulsive action which I took.The one thing I cannot forgive him for is how he played with his father's emotions telling him that we are engaged then 13 hours later that we are broken up while his father gave us his blessing and this is the very same man who has lung cancer.I do not blame J but yes I was good friends with C and I turned to him when I could not turn to J because J was always busy going out with his friends to bars and so forth which I am not big into.C kept me grounded and so did J but I did not try to add more drama when I told J the thing about the miscarriage.I tried to make peace with myself,let it go and move on.I am in a better place actually,yes C and I are still good friends,he calls but I have not spoken or seen J in weeks which is good.If J could not accept the fact that yes I had a miscarrige or he rather questioned me that is fine but I will not think about him or what he is doing.I wish him lots of happiness,when I last saw him at a bar he was the one who closed his tab early while my friends and I had fun.Do not get me wrong I am not trying to playing games but I had put my life on hold after the break up,I learned to grow up,I am making better grades now which is one of the best things I have done and maybe the break up was a blessing.J can resent me and my friend for what we have done but he should know that no matter what he can call me if he needs to talk with me because before we dated we were friends.I do not expect someone like J to get over this fast none the less not insult me because he will always hold a grudge against me but my life is my own and I have so much going for me that at times I think "J who?"...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 May 2010): Wow what a mess. This is quite confusing, but from what I can gather both you and "J" are both acting with zero emotional intelligence whatsoever. Yes, "J" has behaved badly, but so have you. It really isn't a good idea to stay friends with your ex when you're in a new relationship - especially if your ex is closer to you than your boyfriend is. Of course that is going to build up resentment and bad behaviour towards you.Also, what on earth were you thinking accepting his marriage proposal when he hadn't even been talking to you for god knows how long and he had been chasing after your best friend and (bizarrely) converting to Islam?!! Did you seriously think that it was going to end in a nice happy marriage? And now you are broken up and you are still chasing him with your problems. My advice is leave it WELL alone. He has behaved like a complete idiot and if you have any respect for yourself you should never see him again. I don't mean being dramatic about it and running out of the bar when he comes in, but just don't go seeking him out. Time is a great healer - if you don't spend time with him, you'll forget about him eventually.Secondly, have a good long think about your behaviour during this whole scenario and think about what things you could have dealt with better. I'm not saying that this is all your own doing, it's not, but you have made a series of pretty poor decisions. Try to sit down and analyse it and learn from your experiences. Hopefully next time you meet someone you like you can make a cleaner job of it.
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