A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello dear all, Please bear for the long story and please don't mind the language mistakes.. I am a 20 year old female who has met this certain man when I was around 9 or 10 years old because we were both in the same activity. Around the age of 14 I had more contact with this man who was at the time, 21 years old. so for now, I've known this man for 6 years. Can someone please explain to me what in particular could have crossed his mind and why he acts like he acts today?At the age of fourteen/fifteen, I was bullied very hard at middle school. I had little to no friends, my sister was very cruel and left the house early (with the police involved etc.) and on top of it all, my mother was a mental patient. All these things must have left me very insecure and emotional instabile. I would cling myself to the neares t thing that would show some kind of affection to me. I almost never cried before middle school but how I cry a lot. I can't help it. Sometimes I don't even have a valid reason to cry.. but that's not important to this story. That's were this man comes in, during middle school period. He saw that I had 'problems' and began talking to me. He drove me sometimes, would want to walk with me, talk with me trough msn and facebook, all that stuff. I noticed how emotionally attached I was to him, because he was so understanding. I trusted him, fell hard for him. HARD. Because he was the first one who supposedly gave a damn about me. However, I noticed his behavior changed.. behaviors that were absolutely not appropriate. He would try to feel me up in the car, forest, wanted to see me undress on MSN, asked me VERY PRIVATE STUFF. I was very uncomfortable with all this but this obsession of me was so strong.... so unhealthy. Very unhealthy. There were moments that he could have taken my virginity when I clearly didn't want it or wasn't ready for it. He could have raped me.I told him several times that I only wanted sex when I was in a committed relationship. He didn't want that. So my conclusion, several years later as I've grown up and learned to leave the obsession behind, is that he used my emotional 'well-being' to try to have sex with me. Could this be a certain way of grooming? I felt really dirty to have been touched by this man. Also, this image of his, trying to get it on with much younger females, has been verified many times. A good friend of mine, 16 at the time (he was 22), had also been victim of his sexual innuendos and advances. I saw how he grabbed a butt of a girl age ten. He would constantly hit on girls my age (14 to 16). I heard from his brother that he has never been 'honest' in his relationships. He urged a 15 year old into sex. I was probably an easy target for him. He left me alone after all this because he couldn't get me into his bed. I became very observant towards him after this. I tried to understand the man who 'groomed' me. Fast foreward. I have given this shameful period a place. However, I'm trying to figure the man out as he still tries to find contact. I'm trying to bring 'his side of the story' into context as I'm hoping that he became a changed man or that he is worth listening to. Maybe his side of the story has to be taken into account. I know that he must be a troubled man as he had troubles himself when he was younger (suicide, mental institutions, bullying)It just doesn't add up somehow. The things I have noticed.. - He has periods of looking at me, extensively. these periocs occur a few times a year. During these periods he tries to contact me again, tries to have 'friendly' talks with me and wants a friendship with me. I always feel very sexually intimidated by him, not only by our past but because he is lurking so much. There has NEVER been a pure platonic tension between us. never. So I doubt it that it could ever be friendly.- He has a girlfriend about my age (he is now 26, she is 21), but he still tries to contact me and wants to 'meet' me on friendly basis. I decline those invitations and his constant urging but somehow I always feel guilty. I feel like I should give him a change to let him show me he is a changed man. but the fact that he has a girlfriend...- There were several moments that i HAD to be alone with him. He has become instructor of my activity so sometimes I have to sit with him in the car. He would say sexual innuendos that only I would understand and the younger ones in the back of the car wouldn't. He would try to feel me up by putting his hand on my leg and stroking it. trying to grab my hand. only this saturday he had this weird thing that he would stretch his hand and 'accidentally' stroke my bum, twice. He had ALL THE SPACE IN THE WORLD and yet decided to walk right behind me.(during activities.)- I blocked him on whatsapp but yet he manages to approach me on Facebook. - The situation is hard as he is my instructor, collegue and someone I have to work with very close. I feel sorry and very afraid for all the girls he tries to flirt with. Just the other day he asked this 17 year old girl to ride her home. He has a girlfriend, for merlin's sake. - He has cheated multiple times in previous relationships, as told by his brother and his ex-girlfriend AND a good friend of his. I am afraid for his current girlfriend, as she clearly does not know his history. (She is a very sweet girl.)- Many people seem to hate him, like my ex-instructor, several collegues, my friend who was victim of his escapades, his students from another activity etc. I have been an observer in many of their hateful conversations about him.As you can see, I hear a lot of negativity about him and my own vision of his and our past doesn't help much to prove it otherwise. He hasn't proven to me that he is a devoted, faithful boyfriend to his girlfriend. He is still contacting me sometimes. So he's giving me a hard time trying to understand him and WHY he acts the way he does. Maybe he is very insecure and wants attention of women to fill whatever misses or fills his live with security. Maybe he is a manipulative groomer as many girls in his direct neighborhood has been victim of his escapades. Maybe he is misunderstood or something went wrong in his childhood. Does he follow counselling? Has he some business with me that is worth following through? I have never received some sort of apology as I never said anything back and he clearly didn't have the idea that he was harassing me. So basically, what do you all think is wrong with this man? Am I in the position to help him or should he just leave me alone? Is he the bad person he is or should I think otherwise as years have passed?I am too involved with this man, purely by our common activities, to just drop this all. I also am not a talkative person and keep my feelings to myself. I am not capable enough to defend myself. As I said earlier, I cry a lot and it frustrates me. I am an observant person for a reason..Thank you for reading and for all the possible responses you can give me.
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bullied, ex girlfriend, facebook, flirt, has a girlfriend, his ex, insecure, msn, my ex, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2014): As the previous poster said - he is a paedophile - THAT's what wrong with him. And no-one is going to be able to help him except very expert psychologists trained in dealing with paedophiles. And (unfortunately) the best sort of therapy for a paedophile is frequently only available to offenders - i.e people who've been caught. Paedophiles rarely seek this kind of help on their own as most of them simply want to justify their urges instead of preventing them.
This guy continues to contact you for two reasons
a) It helps him justify his behaviour "I had sex (or sexual activity) with so-and-so when she was a child and she liked it. She's not traumatised - in fact, she's still friends with me so it was an okay thing to do. I will continue to do it with other minors"
b) He's STILL grooming you - not for sex anymore but for your silence. He's done such a good job of grooming you over the years that it's still working - you're more worried about HIM and messing up his life and wandering whether he needs help than you are about the things that really matter.
Report your abuse (and any abuse you are aware is happening to another child right now. It's the right thing to do all round. By doing so you will help the following people
a) Yourself - at the moment you seem very ambivalent towards the abuse and it's clouding your judgement. When you get older (and have children of your own) you will really struggle with the concept that you let other children be at risk for so long. You may find out much later that some girls were highly traumatised by him and start to blame yourself that you did nothing.
b) Any other child or young girl he comes into contact with - you will be protecting them from (further) abuse.
C) HIM - yes, this guy may have had a shitty childhood himself and be in sore need of counselling but this will ONLY happen when he admits that he's a paedophile and his behaviour is wrong. This won't happen until his caught.
REPORT HIM
A
female
reader, petina1  +, writes (10 June 2014):
 He is a paedophile. You won't be the only one he has in his sight. You actually need to inform the police and tell them your story. If you don't want to then another little innocent child will become his prey. Hope this helps
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