A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there. I'm glad I found this website. I have something I need to get off my chest, and would really appreciate any comments. I'm sorry this is going to be a little verbose.I've been with my g/f over 12 years. One year ago, I finally took the plunge and we got engaged. We are due to get married this summer (2009).The problem is that ever since the moment (literally) of putting a ring on her finger, I have had very cold feet and doubts and worries about it. It's hard to pinpoint why, but I feel a constant mixture of nerves, anxiety and pressure all pent up inside of me.In some ways I feel like I got engaged for all the wrong reasons. After 12 years together there was a lot of pressure from our families to "get on with it", if you see what I mean. Also she herself wanted me to "get on with it", or else she'd probably have left me due to patience running out. In addition, her family went through a nasty year, and I think she wanted something "happy" to happen. (We both did). Also, I took a good look at my own life and thought, "time to progress things". All these factors came together and I proposed to her because I wanted to please her, and to please both our families. But not to please me.All that said, I do love her, very very much, and I dont want anybody else. She is my soul mate and my best friend and my sweetheart. We have arguments, like most couples, but we also have lots of fun and laughter and we are very close. And I do want to spend my life with her. She worships the ground I walk on, treats me wonderfully, and neither of us have ever cheated, and never would. In addition, I'm quite happy at the prospect of one day having kids with her.All the more reason why I should be jumping for joy! But thats the point - for some unknown reason I feel nothing but dread about this wedding!I was quaking in my boots within hours of getting engaged, and whenever I hear her talk with her mum about wedding dresses and flowers, I feel my stomach turn in fear. I have no idea why. And now there's just a few months left and I feel myself panicking about it more than ever!It's not the day itself I'm worried about. It's the whole thing of being married.Partly it's the whole "sacrifice" thing, of giving up half of everything I've ever worked for (ie. my house which is entirely paid for by me - damn it, why should I give it up to someone else!). And what if she ends up hurting me? Or me hurting her?More worryingly, I sometimes feel that I just dont "fancy" her any more. Dont get me wrong - I love her to bits - and we do make love (admitedly not so often as we used to after 12 years) - but the point is, I dont ever look at her any more and think, "phwoooaarr!". (but I *do* think that with other women!). Is it normal to loose that feeling of "fancying" your partner when you get engaged and/or married? (By contrast she seems more attracted to me than ever before!!!).Of course, it could simply be that I'm a "typical man" who is afraid of commitment. Yep, that's probably it. After all, it did take me 12 years to pluck up the courage. (Sad but true, it took courage to do it!).But our relationship has felt "different" ever since getting engaged. It's almost like our normal style of a happy/relaxed relationship is "on hold" until after we get married. (Does that make any sense?). It's all about planning and dreaming and hoping, and not about living in the present.Financially and emotionally, pre-wedding stress has put a big strain on us. We even spent a couple of days apart just to calm things down a bit. (I missed her terribly during that time).I'm sure this all sounds very confusing. Sorry. To sum up:- I love her- I want to be with her- I quite like the idea of having kids with her- I dont want anyone else- I am terrified of marrying her!!!!!If I go through with this (and, it seems, I must), it will be either the best thing I've ever done, or the stupidest. I seem to be worrying about the negatives rather than being happy about the positives.What I dont want is to get married and end up divorcing. I'd rather split before we exchange vows than after. Yet I have no reason to think it would end badly. I just dont feel like jumping for joy, and I just wish I did. What the hell is wrong with me!?!?!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 January 2009):
 You need to tell her. And honestly if the both of you were comfortable not being married ( and you must have been after 12 years) then why cave in to demands now?
Secondly, if you have been together for 12 years in some states she could actually get part of what you own when you break up, common law marriage. So really that shouldn't be a worry?
I'm sure people tell you now that you are practically married so why not make it official? Well it has to work for the two of you.
Talk to her,see how she feels.
My personal opinion.. My brother have been with his girlfriend for 20 years. They live in a monogamous relationship, share a house and 2 kids, but haven't gotten married yet. I know they love each other to death and everyone around them regard them as married. They are happy with how it works for them, so why shouldn't the rest of their friends & family? Regardless of her last name my brothers girlfriend is my "sister" and with out without a ring and piece of paper I love her as a sister.
I married my husband, because that was the only way for us to be together and I don't regret it. It works for us. We dated 2 years and have been married 10. Did the ring on the finger change anything in the relationship? not at all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2009): Everyone gets cold-feet when it comes to marriage. You say you love her but are you INlove with her still. Thats what you need to figure out.
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