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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I don’t know what is wrong with me… I learned something about myself and I cannot pretend that it is not there. I decided a long time ago I didn’t want to have children. I just couldn’t bear the thought of bringing a new being into this world, just because I feel the need to love and be loved in that unconditional way. I married a man who shared my opinion. We are both in favor of adoption.A few days ago our dog got lost. After over three hours of constant search – it happened in the countryside, on a property in a middle of nowhere, surrounded by a forest and fields with cattle – our Bonnie (the airedale terrier) showed up, happy as a clam. I started sobbing. I felt so guilty for her disappearance. I realized I felt so responsible for her well-being as if she were my child. It was so overwhelming that it led me to another level of self-perception. I also understood that this is how I feel about my husband as well. This is how I felt with my mother and my aunt who raised me. I was in constant stress over their well-being ever since a young age. I started early to take on responsibilities for their well-being and was afraid of them getting sick or dying. Which they did, pretty early. My aunt died when I was 12 and my mom when I was 21.I take on too much, especially of what is not mine to take and I worry. I do not extend the same courtesy to myself. I make sure that my husband takes his medication when he’s ill, but I’m too tired to take care of myself. I just “go on”.I realized that at some point, right after I got a university degree, I started simplifying my life – running away from what I perceived to be an additional responsibility. This has seriously affected my professional life. I’d rather have a low paid job with no responsibility towards people (database maintenance) than having to deal with stress that comes along with better paid, responsible jobs. I didn’t learn how to drive when most people do. I thought that this was because we didn’t have money for lessons (where I live it’s extremely expensive) and cars. When I started taking driving lessons recently, I experienced anxiety attacks. I do not want to be responsible for lives of people in my car or other traffic participants. It scares the hell out of me.So… what’s wrong with me and how do I deal with it? I felt so ashamed of the way I reacted when our dog went awol. My husband was worried and sad, but it didn’t trigger anything deeper. I need to be in constant move, I couldn’t just sit still and wait. And when she finally came back, he was happy and I fell apart.Thank you!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2019): Thank you so much for your replies!I sometimes feel as if me being emphatic is not a choice I make, it feels as if I have no choice but to feel and act this way.Dealing with fear is hard, because I somehow feel that defeating it would mean the absence of fear, not having to deal with it.Since most people do not behave (maybe they feel and think) the way I do, I feel out of place. as if there is something I should be doing to remedy this state.I've been going to therapy for a decade now, last 5 years have been CBT (and I would recommend it wholeheartedly!). I was lucky since I live in the country where 90% of the expenses are covered by the state and private assurance, otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford it.I see what you mean WiseOwlE, when you say that therapy can be a waste of money. With certain therapists, that is exactly what it was.Thank you once again!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): Typo correction:
"That's if we dwell on, or agonize over, our natural imperfections; or if we persistently pick ourselves apart."
P.S.
Just because you "intellectually" made the decision not to have children; doesn't mean you don't have natural maternal-instincts. I would think there was something wrong with you; if you were indifferent and calloused to the fact your dog was lost!
Don't waste your money on a therapist; unless things get out-of-hand. It's natural to be apprehensive about something you've never done before. It's a phobia if you find yourself extremely fearful, paralyzed with panic, disturbed, and anxious; without a real threat to your safety or well-being.
Fear subsides when you overcome ignorance, and become knowledgeable of the things you fear. That happens when you act in spite of your fear.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2019): You have a fair amount of sensitivity; and you enjoy a humble and simple life. What's wrong with that?
There are tender emotions and sensitivities that are more pronounced in some people than others. Some people develop values and virtues that become a very strict part of their character; and that is a human-trait that is present in all of us.
We tend to assume if we don't blend-in, conform into society, or follow the status quo; that there must be something wrong with us.
Welcome to the club, we're "different!" Being different doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. You're unique, compared to what you see in others. That's the beauty of individuality, my dear! Being gentile, sensitive, non-materialistic, compassionate, and selfless is being much like Jesus! There was nothing wrong with Him!
There is a point when our ways are not quite reasonable. That's if we dwell on or agonize over our natural imperfections; of if we persistently pick ourselves apart.
When we choose to become isolated, or anti-social; resulting in our behavior becoming eccentric, bazaar, or self-destructive.
Everyone fears losing someone we love. Everyone fears mortality to some degree. Everyone feels panic and anxiety if someone we love passes-away; or our beloved pets go missing.
When someone you love, or a pet is missing; all sorts of things cross our minds, because we are concerned for their safety. Grief is triggered by such an ordeal as you've described about your dog. We grieve if we aren't there to protect and save them. When we feel they are helpless without us! That's normal and healthy! It just scared you more than you felt it should. You still feel guilt, as if there was something you could have done to prevent your mother's and aunt's death. May the good Lord, give you peace.
Everything you've described about family and your pet is simply a part of profound love. Your husband is a man; he's conditioned not to express his emotions as openly. I'm sure he was extremely concerned for both you and the dog. He wouldn't want to lose either of you. It doesn't always show on the surface, my dear!
People who don't know how to drive or have never been in a plane suffer an anxiety for their safety. I think you're drawing a lot of unwarranted negative-conclusions about your human-sensitivities and values. If you want a simple job, it's your humbleness of spirit. If you put others before yourself, some of us are made that way.
Don't make too much of it.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 July 2019):
 You sound like a very emphatic person and I think you should consider talking to a therapist about this. I can only guess that the loss of your aunt and mom at such important ages in your life has had a profound effect on you.
Maybe consider some CBT therapy." CBT focuses on challenging and changing unhelpful cognitive distortions and behaviors, improving emotional regulation, and the development of personal coping strategies that target solving current problems. "
Feeling the way you did for you dog is not strange. Pet are often loved like family members.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (16 July 2019):
 Hi Op,
You my dear are a wonderful person. Caring for others more than yourself is an awesome trait to have.
You feel apart for your dog, because that is how a loving parent would be if their child went missing for that long. So although you do not have kids of your own, your natural motherly instinct applied to your dog. So really...their is nothing wrong there.
The only issue I see is living in fear of this world. Fear of responsibility. We are all responsible for something. Yourself, your husband, your dog, your house, your job, and so on. You cannot run away from it, but you can find better ways to manage them.
Fear is one of the most destructive emotions out there. Anger being number one. Fear causes insecurity, depression, sadness, loneliness, and self destruction.
Do not fear the things you have no control over in life. Fear the results of things you have control, but don't control them...like fear itself. Because when you don't control them, they control you....and you lose.
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