A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What is too friendlyWill try to be as comprehensive as possible.Please keep an open mindMy best friend told me she had feelings for me and over a period of months, it developed into love. She told her husband she loved someone else and wanted out of their marriage. Her intentions were always good and to do good by him. Within 2 months of telling him she moved out of the house and into her own. There was no affair, she was just honest and left. She has always been attracted to woman and after so long of being married, decided it was time to leave. After she moved out, we started on our relationship. Her intention was to get divorced. Over the next year, we have had many arguments, mainly about her ex.To sum it up… she slept with him again in the beginning after we had a fight. Then she flirted with another woman that I found out about during another “argument” we had. I often asked her when she was going to get divorced.. her excuses ranged from no money for a lawyer, to “these things take time” Only after a massive argument she would then do something like contact a lawyer. To date a year after she left, she is still not divorced and it’s been dragging on for months for whatever reasons. He is dragging his feet, her lawyer not there, whatever. Also added to this her ex would always been in contact “regarding the kids” . Medicine, what time is the appointment, what is the doctors number and I had a massive issue as it seemed she was his Personal Assistant to which she eventually admitted, she was being his PA. My insecurities stem from when she slept with him again.. My question is what exactly is Too friendly.. she says she is not being too friendly but on answering a call from him, I heard her tone. Bearing in mind she sued him for something and he is now sueing her over and above the divorce. Things have gotten really ugly between them.. but yet she continues to act like his personal assistant. She said all correspondence must be on email but now I see they are talking on the phone again. Had my ex reacted the same way and did what her ex did on several occasions I would have him locked up! Yet she remains friendly….. a little too friendly. While I accept that we all need to be civil to our ex’s for the kids sake.. just the history of the last year, I am very surprised about what is going on. Seems the only time something is done is when I freak out. She maintains that she only wants to have a future with me, she gave up her marriage ( and I maintain she gave it up to be with a woman not necessarily just me, because at the time she moved out, her and I were in a bad place, I was very confused about the female to female issue and my own personal feelings, so when she moved out she did not even tell me) for me. She says that she loves me and only wants to be with me.. and I do believe her. But she tells me I must get over the issues with her ex.. he is the father of her kids, but that’s not my issue. My issue is the following. Surely if you make a future with another you must cut ties with the ex? In this case they have kids.. but he has her running around like a chicken without a head. She defends him. Despite the ugly situation he has caused. It cannot be easy losing your wife to a woman, but some of the things he did, he should be locked up. She has taken so long to get divorced. She says she has no feelings for him. But I think she does.My question is that I have my own family to look after and the last year has been hell. Is it fair on me to wait until she is over her issues and sorted her ex out considering she has been finding her own feet? Is she being too friendly. Am I wasting my time?
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affair, best friend, divorce, flirt, her ex, money, moved out, my ex, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2011): You're wasting your time. Walk away now. Don't do as I did and wait around based on excuse after excuse after excuse. She's still with him 6 years later. I'm in therapy. Take heed to my advice. You're a woman and you know it's no better truth than a woman's home is where her heart is. It's ultimately up to you and not her to see the truth of your faux relationship with her for what it surely is. She's about him not you.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 January 2011): Yes that I agree with, only she can decide what she wants to do. Unfortunately I have had a year of this and therefore I have now left the relationship as I feel very strongly about this. I have my own children and I will not waste another moment on someone who has not dealt with her own issues. Thanks for your reply.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 January 2011):
 I understand that she shouldnt still be acting as a wife to her ex husband but its up to her to change she needs to make up her mind and decide what she should do or not. I understand that it is difficult for you. But if she is not willing to let go of him am afraid there is nothing you or anyone else can do about it. The best thing is to sit down and tell her how you feel. Tell her how much it hurts you tell her that you cant put up with it anymore. If she loves you she will back of from her husband and concentrate on her new life. But it has to be her decision she needs to make up her mind who is more important to her. I understand that you have already spoke to her about this and she changes for a while but you need to tell her it needs to change permanently or else you cant make your relationship work.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I disagree with you. Divorces do not take years, most people I know are divorce within months. Its an excuse that they do. Unless someone is contesting.. no reason why it should take so long. Also yes she has just come out a marriage, but it was her choice to leave and if there were still issues she need to sort out, she should not have started something new without finishig the old. If she is confused she should never have started something new. There are no issues with the children, its obvious that they are part of her life. The ex has 50% responsibility towards those kids and she should not have to run around on his behalf because he cannot be bothered to do his 50%Thank you for your response but I disagree with you. Its not about accepting him as part of her history, its about continuing to allow him in her future. As the father of her children yes, but not a wife anymore which is what I believe she is doing. At some point she has to let go of her past. Like we all do. Finding someone who is single and has no baggage is not the answer, you did not read my post properly at all. You totally misunderstood it.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (12 January 2011):
I guess its up to you if you can deal with this, everyone is different some people wouldnt see this as a problems others will.
Ok i guess you need to accept that she shared a history with this man they share children therefore they are always going to have a bond no matter what. You need to think of her children here they didnt ask for any of this to happen therefore it would be good if they could maintain a friendship for the childrens sake. Ok so he rings up asking her things to do with the children i think that thats fair enough i dont see why that should be a problem. Yes i understand she is with you now but you will need to accept that him and the children are part of her history and its up to you as a person if you can deal with this or not, just remember she has her mind and its up to her what she does, if you can deal with it move on.
Divorces can take a couple of years to come through you shouldnt pressurise her, at the end of the day she is not long out of a marriage so she is bound to be confused. I think you just need to give her some time, and accept what she does in life, if you cant then i think you should move on and find a woman that is single and has no excess baggage.
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