A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been dating a guy for a while now. We sat down to have a talk because things are not going so hot. I have always been supportive and warm towards him. During the conversation he said that I would have to earn his respect and he did not trust me or any other women for the matter. I found this extremely insulting and felt hurt. Being we have been sleeping together for months now! So he does not have a problem sleeping with me but doesn’t respect, is what I got out of it. I am thinking about telling him its time for us to stay out of the bedroom for a while. Advise please! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2011): I don't know your history. If you in fact disrespected him or did something untrustworthy I can understand why he might say something like that...but the tone of it sounds condescending and patronizing and the fact that he lumps you in with all other "un-trustworthy women" would probably hurt my feelings too.
If he is has a valid reason to be upset with you he should stick to the issue between you and him. He shouldn't generalize.
If he in general distrusts women and he's just looking for a convenient reason not to take you seriously, then he sounds like a lazy jerk.
Saying he distrusts women in general and therefore he can't trust you is kind of like a woman saying to a men, "I've been used before by men, so I can't really trust you on a personal level, you see, I just don't trust men...but do you mind if I use your body on the weekends?"
He is talking about being disprespected, but he's disrespecting you in the process.
I'm not sure an embargo on sex will get your point across, but maybe breaking up with him will. Good luck.
A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 You are right don't give him sex and set your standards and requirements. You can continue to get to know him more but this time have self-control and an independent mind, knowing what is best and good for you.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (9 January 2011):
 This is the attitude that punk teenagers have - "Earn my respect before I give it to you."
People deserve respect by the mere virtue of being human beings with thoughts and feelings of their own. Not to mention, why should anyone want respect from someone who refuses to act like a decent person until he's been appropriately satisfied?
Sleeping with him before receiving (not earning, receiving) his respect was a mistake. Leaving now will minimize the damage, but he's gotten what he wants already. Hopefully this is a learning experience.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 You should not have to earn his respect, i think he is being shallow and selfish by saying this. You have not done anything to betray his trust, so there for he has got no reason not to trust you. Im not suprised you found this insulting and felt hurt. It sounds like he has had a bad relationship at some point, and is now deciding to believe in his mind that all woman are the same, which of course is not true. I think you are right in keeping out of the bedroom for a while, also i think if he cannot bring himself around to trust you then you may have to ask yourself if this is the guy for you.
Good luck x
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A
male
reader, faenon  +, writes (9 January 2011):
 If he hasn't respected you from day one then yes you definitely shouldn't be sleeping with him. Sounds like his a little like myself been burnt badly by a woman so his mistrusting with good reason at first BUT if he knows you arent like those or the one who gave him the mistrust to start with he has no reason to not respect you.
If he doesn't respect you be careful he isnt just stringing you along for the sex. I'd suggest your suggesting no sex for a while see if the attitude changes and gets more caring etc towards if not move on for his playing you for the sex.
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