A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel like my fiancé is giving up on our relationship. I'm the only one that works and drives. Its a struggle because I work eight hours everyday and when I come home, I'm hoping the house is clean at least and that our daughter is fed and taking care of. But, when I do get home the house is turned inside out and my daughter is still up. I am also 7 months pregnant with my third child and things are getting tough for me. Lately, I've been searching my fiancé's history searches on his computer, and I come to find out hes been watching porn and looking at dating sites. I feel like I'm losing a battle I can never win. My ex husband and I divorced two years ago, and it still hurts because I loved him so much but he didn't love me anymore and moved on to a younger girl. I am 23 with two kids, one from my ex and my daughter from my current fiancé, with one on the way. Please Cupid can you tell me what I need to do so I can be loved? I feel so alone anymore...
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2015): My dear lady, these unfortunate events in your life do not determine whether you're worthy of love, and I can't imagine why you'd even wonder such a thing?
Just about everyone will experience a disappointment in love at least once; if not a few times in a lifetime. Unfortunately, you got hit with a double-whammy before the age of 25. The decision to have unprotected-sex, or not choose birth-control, to delay pregnancy with your fiance' was a conscious-choice. Now you have three children to care for on your own. They love you, most unconditionally!
You're more than worth it. You work hard to provide for your family, and your expectations from your mate where absolutely fair and justified. You're the provider. He's a free-loading monkey-spanker who doesn't know how good he's got it. Well, now he HAS to get a job. Has he hit the curb yet? He's fired as a stay-at-home dad! Now he's just a check in the mail; and maybe he'll be allowed to visit his child if he proves he's even worth the privilege.
Well, now a new chapter begins; and you must change course.
That doesn't mean you'll never find your happiness or love. You happen to hold a lot more responsibility than most young women your age. I commend you. You are, if anybody; quite worthy of love. You will surely find it. It is more important that you pull it together, and not let these events make you cynical or bitter. Life has really only just begun at your young age. You've taken on marriage and motherhood a bit too soon, I must admit.
These are the cards you've been dealt. Life holds many lessons for those wise enough to use these kinds of experiences as preparation for better things to come. You can give-up in pessimism. How would that translate into your responsibilities as a mother? Right now, more than anything; your children come first. The love you receive from them will sustain you in the meantime.
Your heart is broken, and what you feel now is going to recreate who you are. You will be a single-mother. In your case; you are a dynamic person; because you really have shown you have what it takes to survive. Even without help from a man. Hopefully, your ex still contributes child-support for the other two. Don't over-burden yourself; insist that their fathers help you financially. That sends the message to the children; their dads may be no longer in their lives, but they are both still responsible for contributing to their needs and support. That adds to your resume at a top-notch single-mom. You're in no condition emotionally to deal with men for awhile. So you'll have to learn to fly solo. You didn't learn your lesson the first time you rushed to the alter. Hit the brakes!!!
Give yourself some time for recovery and healing from these disappointments. Life throws curves, and you are supposed to take them and bounce-back. That proves your metal. Your reward will come; if you keep the faith. Until you heal, your state of mind isn't going to allow you to be very optimistic about your future.
You jumped into marriage very young, then right into another engagement. You had children in-between. Something had to slow you down! You've compressed 35 years of living into your short 23-25 years of life on this planet! Slow-down, you're moving too fast!!!
Looking into the eyes of your children will give you hope and faith in the future. I doubt you'll have a love-deficit where they're concerned. You've struck-out with their fathers, so now you know a second-marriage isn't what you needed!
You can't give-up on love so soon in your life. You could live to be 93! A lot of love can come your way between now and then. You'll hit or miss a few; but that's how it goes for all of us. You're in good company, my dear!
A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (27 February 2015):
 You have to love yourself first. When you rely on outside sources for love you can't make good choices in your relationship. It is easy to say he is freeloading and not doing much. It is also good to look for alternative childcare options. I know they are expensive and I hope you have family members who can help. I don't think your fiance is giving up on you because he's financially dependent on you. He was bored at home and wanted escape from the responsibility of being a father to 2 children. You have to confront him about the dating sites. If he wants to go ahead with the marriage then he has to stop entertaining himself with the greener grass. At 7 months pregnant you may have lost interest for sex. Not to defend porn here but it seems like he needs to grow up and consider your feelings too, instead of complaining he has to care for his children that he helped create. It is also a primal instinct for males to hop onto other females after he impregnated his wife.
It's not that you are not lovable. You need a person who is equally giving and more evolved than a caveman. Right now your priority is your children.
If your daughter is still up that's because he encourages her to take daily naps so he could get free time. It's unfortunate that even child cares and kindergartens routinely make children nap. But at least at home you get to bond with her when you are apart so long.
Having a house husband may be cheaper than child care but it adds to your resentment when traditionally women stay home. The logistics needs to be worked out in the future after your maternity leave.
From this post, there is no definite proof as to whether he stopped loving you. It would be a mistake to marry a man who doesn't love you. However being a full time parent is difficult too. This is a trying time for you. He may not show you love through tidy house keeping and being careful with his computer use. There has to be something he does that shows appreciation. When you are the one working hard it is easy to overlook what the other is doing as well. You could see that going against his instinct to mate other women and to stay home taking care of children as love for you. Or maybe he is doing this because he has no choice. Does he still kiss you and hug you?
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