A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:When do you think people ussualy start thinking about settling down?My daughter is 27, her boyfriend will be 30 in a couple months. They both have good jobs, but live with 4 other roomates. its a big house in a very expensive city. I just visited her, and though I find everyone super sweet, and I saw how close they all are and how much fun they have together doing all kinds of projects and going places, I couldn't help but thinking when are these people are going to have families.My daughter is the youngest there. Most of her roomates and their girlfriends are pushing 30. one already turned 30 and 3 are right behind him.Their girfriends are just couple years younger.Of course I understand that it is a different time than it was 30 years ago, but still. I am not saying to marry in early 20s like people did in 80s, but they are not even thinking about it at almost 30 with their carriers all set for them.So, my question is what is the age now considered to be the age old enough to settle and have a family? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): There is no "right" age. It is whatever the individual person wants. For some people it never happens and they never want to marry and have children. If they are level headed they will listen to their hearts and not marry and make kids just to please others such as yourself. I have friends and family who have never been married and never had kids and don't intend to and are in their 40s and 50s. I say good for them for doing what feels right for them as individuals and not blindly following a template of how people "should" live.The fact that your daughter is happy with her chosen lifestyle yet you are not suggests that you don't believe people should follow their hearts?In the past I can see why it made sense for everyone to marry and have children. Love had nothing to do with it. If there was love then great but it was not the primary focus. It was almost necessary for survival since economies were agriculture based and you needed children to help on the farms. Societies were a lot more backwards in that women up until a few decades ago were treated as second class citizens. Society was restrictive in that only men had freedom and social power and options. Women had to be married to function in society since women were an oppressed group with no social power and thus no options to make a comfortable life for themselves as individuals and needed ken to provide money and protection. That is why in the past men who were not married were just seen as confirmed bachelors whereas women who weren't married were derided as spinsters. It reflects the fact that traditionally, men had different options to live a socially acceptable life, women's only option was through marriage. Today thank goodness women are not seen as second class citizens. Therefore people are FREE to pair up because they actually LIKE one another. Thank goodness our technology has made daily living so much easier that you don't need brute force labor just to get by on a day to day basis thus you don't need to pop out children to ensure future survival. Therefore people are FREE to have children because they actually LIKE children. By the same logic people are and should now be FREE to choose the opposite of the above if they happen not to like being tied to someone else for life or if they happen not to like the idea of having children. There will always be people who actually like the idea of being married or having children and will choose to do it. The world is not going to end just because it is now acceptable for other people to not follow this template. It is actually a sign of PROGRESS that people are moving away from thinking there is only one OK path in life which is to marry and have children. Therefore there is no right age.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 October 2013):
 When they are good and ready?
I have 3 daughters. And honestly, I rather they have a GREAT relationship, then focus on getting married and popping out babies.
I have 2 nieces in their early 20's one with 2 kids and one with 1. They both have loser (with a CAPITAL L) fathers for their children. They live of my BIL and let everyone else watch their kids so they can party. If they had been ANY kind of smart they would have focused LESS on the reproduction and more on making themselves happy with themselves and their lives.
I myself (I'm 44 and European) had my first child at 30 and my 3rd child at 35 - they are all healthy, happy and doing exceedingly well in school, sports and social aspects.
Compared to my husband who married (his 1st wife) at 19 and divorced with 2 kids at 21. And I see this a LOT here in the US, people getting married too young and then divorcing over and over and over.
Be happy for her that she found a GOOD man and that she is happy. IF she wants kids and marriage it will come. If she has kids she should want that FOR herself and her partner, right? Not to please you?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): I worry about my kids often, for various things, it's just what Mom's do. But I am also confident I raised my children to be responsible, educated and self-sufficient adults, with stumbles along the way!Our kids today are not getting married as early or settling down as early as we did in our generation (I'm 47). But I also do not think it's up to us as parents to question or be concerned about when, if or what they choose to do. They are adults and it's up to them to make those kind of life decisions for themselves, not for us to project what "the norm" is or what we think they "should" be doing now.Have you ever sat down with your daughter and asked what her goals are in five years? I mean, just a conversation that does not require her to feel like she is doing something wrong or that you do not approve of her life choices (another words, not sharing your opinion)? You might be surprised to find out perhaps she does not want children, perhaps she wants to travel and advance a career. Perhaps they are choosing to all live together and are saving a boatload of money and will be retiring from their jobs when they are 50. LOL Who knows! Just accept, enjoy and be proud of who she has become and that she is happy and healthy.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (10 October 2013):
 I was married in 1988, so I have an idea of where you're coming from. Maybe things changed between your daughter and mine (20 & 18), but my girls seem to think that marriage is a completely outmoded idea and have no plans to do so. It's not that they saw a horrible example of it growing up or anything, but for whatever reason they just don't see the point. Of course we're talking about very young ladies early in their post-secondary studies -- the idea of children is very far off. Still, I get the sense that the kids in their 20s now think quite differently than we did 25-30 years ago. You might want to consider that as you ponder your daughter's situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2013): This OP. I don't know what in my post gave you guys an idea that there's some tension or any discussion at all going on between me and my daughter. I worry because I can't help it, and I am sure many parents out there will understand me, but that doesn't mean I nag my daughter about her getting married and having children.
There was actually kind of set age when I married in 80s. Women in their 30s were not considered very much a marriage material. If you look at statistics then women mostly were married in their early 20s and had their first child by mid twenties. Also for a man not to be married by 30 was a rare occasion. Now everything is so much postponed, that 25 years olds still call themselves kids.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (9 October 2013):
 Are you proposing that she "settle down" and marry her boyfriend and start having children to make you happy? To give you grandchildren?
Has there ever been a set age? I'm older than you are, and I don't remember ever having a specific guideline set by some social authority. Was there a set age you set for yourself?
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (9 October 2013):
 In response to your reply,
Of course you have a right to worry, but there's absolutely nothing you can or should do. Worrying won't change anything.
Your daughter is obviously an intelligent woman and I'm sure she doesn't need her Mother to tell her when the optimum child bearing time for her is.
It's common knowledge that once a woman reaches 40 her chances of conceiving are reduced and her chances of having a child affected with a congenital abnormality.
That does not mean to say she should jump in and have children because YOU fear that she may leave it too late and regret it later. Your daughter may not have the same maternal drive as you and may never want a family.
It's her life and her choice, she's an adult, she's educated and as much as you care for her and about her sometimes we, as Mum's have to back off, regardless of how well intentioned our actions.
I'm sure she'll make the right decision for HER when the time is right for HER. Just don't presume she wants the same future that you chose for yourself.
AB x
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (9 October 2013):
 Thanks for the follow up. I'm in your age range. My oldest Daughter is younger than yours. The area I live in has a lower average age of first marriage than most of the US. US Statistics from 2011 say 29 for men 27 for women. So you aren't premature in wondering when they will get around to tying the knot, at least by national averages.
I find it interesting that you are interested in what is in fact the age people are getting married, but you refuse to believe that just because something is the way it is that it must be right or wise. I tend to agree. Too often we determine what is right by what is popular.
You bring up the health issues. I have often wondered when thinking about marriage age, if medicine has advanced so much that we just don't worry about that any more. You examples leave me more to worry about.
Lastly you claim the privileged as a mother to worry about your children. Worry is a troublesome hobby. It produces nothing but high blood pressure and ulcers. It eats up time that could be used better. It may end up driving a wedge between you and your daughter. I don't think Sage was saying you shouldn't care about your children. I think he was just pointing out what I want to, be careful about how much you let your parental concern intrude into your relationship with your daughter.
FA
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 October 2013):
 Age is a nebulous concept, ergo the right age to get married is whenever the couple think they ought to. As long as they are mature and happy, who cares if they're 25 or 55? I know as a father myself I thought any age was too early. The problem is the more you impose your judgdements or opinions, the more you will alienate yourself from them. Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2013): Its definitely my business, Sageoldguy, not that I am going to nag my daughter about it giving her a hard time, but as a mother I have a right to worry.
Thank you all very much for answering. Especially kc100 as one my daughters age gave me a very good insite in what your
generation thinks. Though I must agree with a no set age for having a family, I also think that if women didn't have an expiration date for reproducing, that would make it fine, but female reproductive age is short. I unfortunately have few friends on their early forties that finally desided to have children few years ago, but couldn't conceive. They do have excellent carriers, but always say that regret about not having children earlier.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (9 October 2013):
There is no age, it's about when it feels right!
Women have opportunities now that never existed in the 50's when you were expected to have a nice little job in a typing pool or working for the telephone exchange or in a little shop before getting married at 18 and letting your husband support you whilst you keep house and have babies.
In the 80's, as you say girls got married in their early 20's but in this country it was mainly because the government gave couples tax breaks if they got married, housing was cheaper and marriage was very fashionable.
Nowadays women can get married whenever they choose, they have career choices Ms Pankhurst never knew existed.
I think it's brilliant that your daughter is in a loving relationship. I also think it's great that these level, headed, sensible adults are sharing the costs of living by house sharing AND making it work.
Your daughter is having a fabulous time and is happy. She has plenty of time to marry, settle down and have a family and give you lots of grandbabies :)
I think it's wonderful that she has such an amazing life and so many choices.
Rest assured, if she decides at some point she wants to marry and have a family, it will be because she's ready and that's really important,
I hope this helps AB x
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (9 October 2013):
 It would be naive to say - or believe - that there is some "right" age... and some "best" or "correct" schedule for our children to do such-and-such as they go through their adult lives.....
I think that, once people become adults, and "fledge" from their parents' upbringing... it is up to them to decide if - and when - they will do anything such as pairing-up, marrying and/or having children.....
I don't think there's any polite way to say to you, it's really none of your business... the details of your daughter's life.... IF'n you brought her up well (as I suspect you did!)... and if'n she's living an adult life that she finds rewarding.. then all you can really do, is sit on the sidelines (of her life) and watch....
Parents (both Mothers AND Fathers) who feel that they should kibitz in their kids' lives, often find that they alienate those very children of whom they are so fond... and who they wish to be close to.... Please be sure to avoid that.....
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (9 October 2013):
 I think in this age there is no 'age' that is old enough, or the right time to have a family. I know of people that have settled down and had kids aged 21 and are still with their partners, in a happy family with happy kids. I also know of girls living with their boyfriends, with good jobs, aged 32 and want marriage and kids eventually but show no signs of doing that any time soon.
My best friend got married aged 24, she is 26 now and happily married, bought a house and is planning on having a family in the next 2 years. I am 26 and getting married next year however my boyfriend and I wont be able to afford to buy a house for another 3 years I guess, so we wont be having kids for another 4 or 5 years I think, when I'll be about 31 or 32 and my partner will be 35 or 36. I also have friends who are aged 26 and still single, so they are not going to be in a position to get married and settle down for quite some time!
In the past I think people typically got married in their twenties, had kids in their late twenties and that was that. Nowadays people are settling down between the ages of 20 and 40 - there really is a wide range compared to the past.
I think a large part of it is down to the cost of living and in particular the cost of housing - if my partner and I could afford a deposit we would have bought a house, got married sooner and had kids sooner. I dont want to have kids in a rented house so we are waiting until we have bought a house to think about a family. Because we need a 10-15% deposit, and house prices around me are incredibly high, we are talking about £15,000 to £20,000 for a pretty rubbish, small house. That takes a hell of a long time to save up for!
You also have the fact that more people go to university these days, and careers are more important to women than in the past. So you study for years to get a good degree, it would be such a shame to then have kids young and throw away your career after you have worked so hard for it! I know some women can carry on being successful at work once they return from maternity, but we all know the norm is that once you have kids, that's pretty much career suicide for a woman. Once you start working 4 day weeks and having to leave on time to collect the kids from school, you cant commit to your career like you could when you were child-free, so you wont progress in your career.
So as I woman I personally want to feel like I've achieved something at work before I have kids, hence why I wont think about kids until I'm around the age of 30. We live a lot longer also, I could easily be around until 80/90 so I dont feel the need to rush everything whilst I'm young.
Then add into the mix multiple partners - in the past you'd only really have one maybe 2 serious boyfriends, you might date a few people but serious relationships were few and far between and when you got serious with someone, you married them. Nowadays you can have multiple serious relationships - I've probably had 6 where I was serious about that person. Nearly moved in with one, lived with 2 before living with my current partner, and talked about moving in with the other 2. So each time you break up and have to take time out meeting other people, that adds months/years onto the time when you are going to settle down. Its not that we are promiscuous - I think it is more about not settling so easily in these modern times, wanting someone perfect and having access to so many more people than previous generations did - think about how much more we go to clubs/bars, internet dating, blind dates, speed dating....there are so many more options than before I think it can cloud our judgement and make it hard to decide on the 'right' person when there are endless opportunities out there.
Dont worry about your daughter too much, she's having fun and enjoying life - living with housemates will wear thing eventually, and the longer she is with her boyfriend the more likely they are to start talking about the future.
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