A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so angry and upset. I am honestly considering if the better option is to just walk away from my five year relationship. I am really sorry but this is going to be quite long. I need some advice, or just pointed in the right direction. I wish I could allow you access to my relationship so that you could see every side and give me an honest opinion because at the moment he's worked his magic and has me second guessing everything. I've tried talking to him probably a billion and one times.. I'm at the point where all I feel is hate, because I am not been heard. I've being going through a rough time financially recently and I do not feel supported by him. He says he's not required to pay for anything for me, that's very true, but you do not sit back and watch your partner suffer and laugh about it, you support them. I'll give him credit, sometimes he's there for me but emotionally he's not, I wonder if he just has no emotions, as then I guess it's a better option to think about than he just doesn't care. I'm sick of feeling like absolute crap around him, having to hold my tongue, while he expresses his hate for my family and friends, belittles me for my interests, the way I look and my career - because I am still studying. Sick of him being so unable to do one thing I ask, while I'm running around doing a million things at once. Sick of him snooping through my stuff to find things to have a go at me for. About two month ago he snooped through my laptop, I had googled searched 'unhappy in my relationship' - rather than ask me why I feel this way, he guilted me and I was left apologizing for feeling that way. Now he says I make him feel inadequate and that he sees no point in us anymore - so I said do you want to break up? He ignored it.. So I'm not really sure if he is going to leave but I know my point is not been heard. I am talking to him so calmly, 'Although you are very supportive and I know you care for me, I feel sometimes you are not there for me when I really need you.' Am I asking to much for him to wanna talk this out? Am I being unreasonable feeling this way? I am fully aware that it takes two to tango, and he says that I have many problems that he could say. I have asked him to tell me what they are so I can fix them and we can move forward but he won't - he just says there's no point - so what do I do? And finally, five years and I have never met his family, I don't know his friends, we do not live together and we do not have children. What is the actual point in this relationship? Honestly.. I don't see it anymore. I've held out for five years to still have the same level of relationship we started at. My mother makes a fair point - with a different man, after five years, I could have had kids and marriage and at my age its what I want. But with him I feel like I'm just a punch bag he drags around, for a reason unknown. I don't feel great about myself, and I don't hold a high opinion anymore. He literally has made me believe that nobody else would want me because I'm incapable of making someone happy. I feel like if/when I leave him, I should just get a bunch of cats because nobody else would ever look in my direction. I don't know if the reason I feel this way is because when we started dating I was 70lbs heavier and servely depressed. Since then I have lost the weight, I have gone back to school and I am in process of becoming a teacher. Despite these accomplishments he tells me it's nothing to be proud of and I believe him. May I have some advice please, where do I go from here? I'd like the replies to be as unbiased as possible, because I hate to think that I am the problem but blaming him. I don't believe that's the case but he makes me second guess everything.
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male
reader, PJ Roy  +, writes (18 August 2017):
Lady, Nature knows no need for a reason, as long as she produces Life. One form of Life is your beau, and the defining characteristic that our human brains (correctly) see in his type is "Narcissistic Emotional Abuser".The reason why he is an emotional abuser is most definitely irrelevant. Different strokes... il faut de tout pour faire un monde.All you need to know is 'Get Out'. At all costs. No explanations. No talking. No justification. You've said enough to us. Get out. Now. You are strong enough to do this.In the first place, be convinced that there is such a thing as being happy on your own. Do that first, and then you'll worry about building romantic relationships.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2017): For one thing, by your description he's the one that nobody wants. He's a total reject; but you took him and you settled. You're fed-up! As I read your post, I could smell something burning! This girl is on fire! She has had enough!
You took him on his terms, you allow him to walk all over you; and he has taken advantage of your low self-esteem.
You felt weak and helpless when you met; and thought you needed his strength to survive. He is helping you to some degree. He has finely made you see your relationship is a complete sh*t-show.
He knows all your vulnerabilities and soft-spots; and you are a very submissive type of person. Sensitive to criticism, craving his validation; and you're really not sure what a good man is, or what you deserve. I think at this point, you're willing to take a chance. Ready to free yourself; so you can find-out. You certainly know what you don't need, and what a bad man is.
He is so toxic and narcissistic; that he has confused and stressed you out. So badly, that you don't know if you're coming or going. You have given him narcissistic-supply for so long; he has drained all your batteries. But this post says there's still a spark left.
I speculate from the beginning; there was never really any real attraction or special appeal he has on his part. You needed a man, and he came along.
He was able to convince you that you couldn't find another man and you believed him. You had that opinion all along, and took him at his word. In fact, you had such a low opinion of yourself; you actually believed he was the best you could do. So you took him for better or worse, and got only the worse. As far as this guy goes, the truth is; he has nothing better to offer. He is equivalent to a truckload of bull manure. He doesn't want you to meet his family, because they're the steaming heap he came from.
The post you have written to us is actually the preamble to your declaration of independence. Your mind is finally coming to the conclusion that this relationship is hell on earth; and you may as well be single. You can do bad all by yourself. Actually, you'd do better if you were independent for awhile.
You need to run on your own steam. You may as well, he hasn't been any help; except to make you realize maybe you can. He's just gunking-up your engine with his slime and sludge.
You've made a lot of accomplishments, in spite of your situation. You're beginning to see the light. We are your sounding-board; because I know the words of a woman about to catapult a man out of her life. What you need from us is a push. To eradicate any doubts you're having. Enable you.
That's not up to us. That's up to you.
You said you wish we had access to your relationship. Just by your post, I think I see things quite clearly. You held on too long, and you're hanging by a thread. You've had enough, and you can't stand him anymore. You also realize he's the devil; and I think you know you can do better.
You CAN do better. Nothing would scare him more than to know that you have reached your saturation-point. You're bursting at the seams. You're asking us to give you a push.
So, here you go. PUSH!!!
You know what to do. Now you take it from here.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (17 August 2017):
 In THE OLD DAYS people dated before they married, and they did not know if they had sexual compatibility or not, IN TODAY's relationships people do things differently and that is what happened with you 2, You had the sexual side that worked well but there was that something missing that stopped you from being a couple, You had all on your side but he did not find what ever he needs to be able to call you his GF.So he did not invest in the relationship and lived on a day to day taking the good parts and not having to worry about the bad days, the relationship is over now and there is no point in having an autoscopic, but I can tell there are a lot more wrong with your relationship then you put in the post, the cracks were there from way back and you chose to not see them because you thought because you loved him he must love you equally, you talked about the fact that you used to have your own problems with weight and some other stuff and that you have worked that out and on the road to being a teacher, but this guy has some big problems of his own, In 5 years you did not see his friends, (does he have any to see) you did not know his family, is he even talking to them and if he is what type relationship has he with them, IT looks to me that this guy has never grown up and has big problems with commitment, As far as your mother is looking at it in the way that you have more or less lost 5 years of your life and that you could by now have a husband and kids, she is wrong and I will try to explain why.IN the five years you turned your life around, you became an independent woman and grow in yourself got your self an education and got your weight down to what you're happy with, you have just grown out of this relationship and now find this guy has not what you need to go on with, On the other hand, you could have gone from one relationship to another for the last 5 years and end up now with no education and no future, SO YOU SHOULD BE HAPPY IN THE KNOWLEDGE that you have built a lot of experience from this time, you have a lot more gained in the 5 years than you even seen or at least posted about, this relationship is a bit like when you were young and got a pair of shoes they fitted right and looked well just because they don't fit you now does not mean they were not good shoes, and you learned to walk in this pair of shoes,
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 August 2017):
 My advice?
Don't wait for him to dump you. End it and move on.
Your relationship is dead in the water. He is trying to get you to leave by being rude, mean, obnoxious, unsupportive and intrusive.
My guess is you LIVE with him? Yes? If so, he wants you out. But he doesn't want to look like the "bad" guy so he is pushing you and pushing you hoping that you will leave.
Whatever is holding you two together is mutual resentment rather than mutual respect and care. I think there is a lot of passive-aggressive behavior going on from both ends and really? That shit is pointless. You definitely won't BUILD respect or trust that way. Neither of you.
It might be because you have not only lost a lot of weight and found what you WANT to do in life and it might be because he feels like you have changed so much from who you were when he met you. HE liked that depressed overweight woman "better" because she was easier to manipulate and control.
What I really don't understand is WHY you keep sticking it out. Not being able to have DECENT and CIVIL conversations and communication is really the death of most relationship and friendships. You say "I've tried talking to him probably a billion and one times.." WHY so many times? Do you really STILL think he can/will change for you? Because that is not going to happen.
While I get what you mom was saying with the if you had dated another man.... but it's also a pointless hindsight. You could also have dated an axe-murderer or a man who was sterile... it's neither here nor there. BUT the point to what she said is VALID - YOU are wasting your time and your life ON a man you don't LOVE and who doesn't LOVE you back.
You are at that "cross road" where you decide HOW you see your life henceforth. You have been there a while but chose to stick your head in the sand hoping HE would make the decision. He isn't going to. Having that verbal punching bag (you) is both exhausting and rewarding for him - thus he too sticks his head in the sand.
If you live with him, FIND affordable accommodations - a room mate situation or if your mom can help you out for a while move in with her. And then you move your stuff out and break up. After that? BLOCK all contact.
Focus on yourself, your education for a while. Figure out what your STANDARDS are. What you want in a guy and don't date men for their "potential" - date them for who they are. Fixer uppers are just draining.
You know what you need to do, now kick yourself in the rear end and GET to it.
YOU only have one life to live... Is this how you want to live? As things stand now? If not... DO something.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2017): so... in 5 years You don't know his family.. you don't his friends.. you know what you are for him.. you are his source of sexual pleasure.. that's all.. every time he wants sex he knows your available.. that's all .. don't waist mire of your precious time with this man. There is not a relationship here.
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