A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My best friend and I are asexual. i live in a house with her and her dog. Where is the line drawn between friends and more? We're so close, I've never had a friend that knows me as well as she does, yet we insist on labeling ourselves as friends. We know everything about each other, and regularly finish each other's sentences. Everywhere we go we are mistaken for a couple. I am content with our relationship, but as we are just friends there is no commitment involved and I worry about a future without her as she graduates from university this year. I guess I'm just wondering, if you were to take the sex/attraction out of the picture, what is the difference between a friend and more than a friend?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2016): If I take sex out of the equation with my partner I still feel more warmth to him than anybody else. I have a stronger bond and a feeling of looking forward to the next time I see them. I think about them more than anybody else, I think about how to make them feel good and get a bit sad when they feel sad. It's like the person at the top of my list for who I care the most about. When I compare that to what I feel for my friends, I don't think about all of my friends every day, I think about them sometimes but not as much as my partner. I enjoy spending time with them but I don't feel the need to want to spend days and days with them.I also think about how my partner would fit in with any plans for the future. Say if I want to go away on holiday I always think about how he would feel about that. So I guess it's a lot to do with him being the number one person I think about. Is she pretty high up on the list of the people you think about the most?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): Hi, OP here. Just to clear up a few misunderstandings, the term "asexual" is usually defined as someone who does not feel sexual attraction. It does not mean the relationship is without sex or will be forever without sex. It doesn't even mean that I don't want sex. It just means that I do not have a sexual attraction to anyone. I do not have a sexual attraction to her, but I also do not have a sexual attraction to anyone else. Obviously, I understand that the relationship would be past the more than friends level if we were having sex or if we were romantically involved. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I don't want to change the relationship we have now, I'm not asking for what the next step might be. It is a physically platonic relationship, but emotionally it doesn't feel platonic. I've never been so in sync with someone. I've never felt more challenged but still so safe with someone. I've never been so afraid of losing someone. So my question again is: is that just a textbook platonic friendship? have all of my friendships prior to this one been so mediocre that this one just seems special? or is it possible that this could be something more?I encourage you to think a little out of the box for this one. Think of your relationships. If you take the sex out of the equation, is there a difference? Or are we all just friends with a little sex added in here and there?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): I don't know much about asexuality so I just had a little read up about it. At least in the UK only about 1% of the population is asexual and 70% of those are female. So the fact that you've met and moved in with another person who is asexual is pretty unusual. Maybe because you have found somebody just like you, you have grown to really enjoy her company. I'm sure that in the past you may have felt a bit different so finding a person who knows what it's like must be really nice.Just because neither of you desire sex it doesn't mean you can't actually begin a relationship with each other. Maybe it would be successful as you both have exactly the same feelings about sex. Look at all the questions on here regarding sex and jealousy, sex causes a fair few problems between people. From people who feel rejected or people who are jealous their partner fancies somebody else. At least you wouldn't have all that to contend with.My idea of a relationship is finding somebody you have strong feelings for, sharing experiences together, sharing life and being there for each other. I couldn't live without sex and I desire that to have a healthy relationship but if you became an item with your friend you would just have one less component of a relationship than I have. One less thing to worry about!Look at old married couples, I'm sure that a lot still do have sex but then I'm sure there are many who don't. It doesn't make them less happy but their minds and bodies are telling them that it's not something essential to them any longer.I am a bit curious as to how you managed to find somebody else who is asexual and move in together when only a small percentage of people are that way orientated? You are both very young and when I was young I thought I had to label myself as a certain person then ended up completely changing.From what I read it also shows that some people are asexual until they figure out who they are. The definition is so broad from people who remain single, to people who sometimes engage in sex to people who still want a romantic partner. It even describes people with a low sex drive so to me it all seems like there are many possibilities to being asexual. I bet that even up to last year you had it set in your mind you never wanted to be in a relationship but now you are starting to question that in asking this and being curious about it.So no don't rule out a relationship and don't try to tie yourself down feeling you have to do this or that, if it's natural that you would like her in your life after she graduates just talk to her about it. There are no set boundaries in the way you live your life and instead of focusing on this part of yourself realise it's just one side to you. It doesn't define you or say that you have to live forever without a girlfriend. Also I suppose it would be unfair that you can't do all the things that people who have sex do such as buying a house one day, getting married, having somebody to share the bills with and even though you don't desire sex you may want children when you are older. Nobody says you have to miss out on all of that. I'm not saying you jump into that with her but in the future perhaps you'd want any one of those things.I don't think about my sexuality defining me and I think if I were asexual I'd still like to be in a relationship as it'd be lonely never having experienced that. I'd feel that way, you may feel different. You can love somebody even when you never have sex. I went through a few years of not wanting to have sex and I had no desire for it what so ever, I feel totally different now, but I was a bit lonely, it's kinda hard finding a boyfriend when they would more than likely want to have sex. Hey you're lucky you've found someone who's on the same page as you.You are beginning to change your mind on something you probably thought you had sussed, never wanting a relationship, so you never know one day you could desire other things you thought you never would. I seriously hope I have not come across as ignorant! I'm just questioning it purely on the fact that you are starting to change your mind about the things you want. If I do sound ignorant then feel free to give me a good telling off! and I'll learn something new.Just talk to her and ask her if she would be interested in living with you after graduation, seeing as it's working out well. After my extremely long answer trying to analyse everything it could simply just be that you have found an excellent house mate and the way things are it'd be a shame to see each other less in the future. Whatever happens at least you have a really good friend.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2016): If there is no sexual-intimacy or affection offered in a sensual manner, you're still close platonic friends.
You are starting to grow romantic feelings, but trying very hard to maintain a self-proclaimed "asexual" identity. I think this is nothing more than a bunch of bunk people have made up to be different from everyone else. Considering it's subjective, no one can read minds; and people can hide what they don't want known to the public. The objective being to create images and facades not easily realized or challenged by science. There may be people uninterested in sex, but totally asexual? Unless there is an underlying illness or mental disorder, it's up for debate.
You are realizing a side of yourself you've lived in denial of. You are falling in-love, and there may be an eventual interest in expressing it in a physical way. If not, why are you even coming to a forum where you'll be told what I'm telling you? Why even consider being more than friends unless the "more" includes intimacy? That's what makes the difference.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2016): I'll tell you only one thing here, my younger brother.
Love is not about sex.
Now I'll leave you with this.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (23 February 2016):
 You ask: "... if you were to take the sex/attraction out of the picture, what is the difference between a friend and more than a friend?..."
This is really a rhetorical algebra question... and I have the answer. To wit: (Sex/attraction) = "more than"...
Good luck..
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (23 February 2016):
For most people, once the relationship becomes sexual, that is where the boundary has been crossed. You are asexual which is rare and makes things a little different, since there is unlikely to be a sexual dimension to your relationship (I say unlikely, because asexuals can and do have sexual contact and indeed sexual intercourse).
Perhaps you might like to read about romantic friendship. Many in the asexual community speak of a separation between romantic attraction and sexual attraction. What you are describing sounds like romantic attraction, or romantic friendship. It is something special, above and beyond ordinary friendship and is a special bond between 2 people. The fact that you don’t experience sexual attraction means that, for you as asexuals, your attraction is solely or predominantly romantic in nature. That is hard to understand because, for most of us, we are sexually and romantically attracted to the same person. But just as you can be sexually attracted to some-one without being romantically attracted to them (think of one night stands, friends with benefits or paying for sex), so you can be romantically attracted to some-one and not sexually. This may be what being a couple means for a pair of asexuals. You both need to talk through your feelings, where you see this going and what you want the future to look like. If you fully satisfy each other and wouldn’t want to look elsewhere, then really you’re a couple. The key factor is how exclusive you want to be with each other. Will you look for other partners? Will you move to different places? Do you feel this way for other friends?
But don’t rush to label yourselves: it needs to be talked through and I would definitely do some reading on such matters; there are some very good asexual bloggers and there is AVEN – Asexual Visibility and Education Network. I don’t know if you are destined for a relationship as asexuals experience them, or whether you are the best of friends, but I hope the things I’ve mentioned give you something to work with to start answering that question.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 February 2016):
 You say you talk about everything, right?
So why not have this conversation with her?
There are no set rules in stone for how you define what you have with her.
Personally, I draw the line between friends and "more" than friend, with sexual intimacy. But each relationship is different.
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