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anonymous
writes:I have two step-sons both in their early 20's, unmarried, going to college. They live on their own but they fight constantly. Usually younger one loans older one money, and then older one doesn't pay him back in full and that's when the drama begins and the younger son expect his Dad to jump in and fight the battle for him so he gets really upset when he refuses to get involved. His Dad (my b/f) had told him repeatedly not to loan his brother money, but he does it, knowing that the older boy does not always follow through with his committments. I try to be sympathetic and listen to their complaints but I can't really get involved because they are not my kids. Plus I do think they are old enough to handle their own battles. What do other parents do with semi-adult children? Since I don't have kids of my own, I may not know what is expected of a parent. My b/f does occasionally call the older son and scold him, but doesn't feel he should get involved at this point. Also he gets annoyed with them because they become petty during their arguments, they text both of us constantly and the younger one says really horrible things to his Dad when he's angry (and can't get his way). What is the best solution for this problem?
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reader, Angzw  +, writes (18 December 2009):
Well this is more serious than normal and he might need to be evaluated. He needs counseling from an expert because it would be a tragedy if he carried out or attempted to carry out his threats. Psychotic people may often do this just to prove their point. As for the relationship between his mother and father, I would suggest you never ever mention the details, you are right that it is inappropriate to do so. When two people divorce there is always his version, her version and then there is the truth. Saying details about sensitive stuff that you only know your husband's version of is dangerous to say the least. This boy may have unfortunately inherited his mother's behaviour but that would not be your place to add fuel to the fire. If you really want to help rather than leave them to it, find a counselor who can mediate between the brothers and also provide additional therapy for the troubled one. If you are religious most churches do this for free, if not there are many helplines who can do this as well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you both for your answers. This last eruption led to the younger one threatening to "join his mother" who committed suicide 4 years ago. (I know where he gets his instability from) so I took the time to listen but later regretted it because he said some horrible things about his Dad and I suspect his threat was more about grand-standing. I told him I felt he owed his Dad an apology. He said he'd apologize when he got his money. That was when I stepped back and quit responding to his incessive texts. Now two weeks later,he's started the abusive texting again because his brother has failed to pay him. (I told him to give a little time and perhaps when his brother got paid he would finish paying off the rest of his "loan") We have ignored him at this point and have both told him he's old enough to solve his own problems. But it concerns me when he threatens to kill his brother or his Dad. It's probably just a way to grab our attention but I'm starting to realize he's kind of psycho. He blames his Dad for the break up of the marriage of his Mom and Dad 20 years ago, but what he doesn't know, is that his mother cheated on his Dad and then filed for divorce so she could run off with the doctor she had been seeing where she worked. Unfortunately once the divorce was final, the doctor backed out of leaving his wife and she spent the next 20 years being angry and bitter and eventually committed suicide. These are not things I can tell the boys, although sometimes when the younger one carries on about how bad his Mother had it when they were growing up and blaming his Dad for everything, I want to slap him into reality. His mother was no saint and I'm getting sick of the abuse. On the other hand, she did committ suicide and that is a horrible pain for any family to endure. What would you do?
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female
reader, Angzw +, writes (17 December 2009):
The best solution is to let them solve their own problems. When my kids were younger and would fight (usually over which channel to watch or who got the bigger piece of chocolate etc.) I used to say solve the problem on your own by talking about it or else I will punish both of you. Eg. If they could not agree on which channel to watch then I would switch off the tv; that way, the consequences for their inability to compromise made them both lose out. Now that they are in their teens, I hear them arguing but usually they solve their own issues. The only time I get involved is if there is a physical fight involved; and even then I dont take sides, I just separate them to cool off then later tell them to talk and resolve or else. You are right to not get involved and to refuse to solve their problems. They are going to be there after you and your husband are long gone so in order to maintain lifelong closeness they need to sort it out by themselves. The younger one will learn on his own what his brother's limitations are, once he learns that he needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Right now their loans may amount to 20/30 bucks or whatever, but learning now what not to do by suffering the consequences of giving in to his brother's smooth tongue, will prevent 20/30 grand loans when they are older, issues that can be really debilitating, and you will be expected to bail out if you have always done it. Dont get pulled into taking sides and listening to details. Leave them to it.
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