A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So my boyfriend and I have had problems for a very long time with what I would consider flirting/ mild forms of cheating.Eventually this lead to our break up some time ago. We were apart for a couple months and then discussed our problems to come up with a solution.I said that hanging out with people in groups is the safest. He used to have coffee alone with girls, sometimes for more than an hour. He was also known for sending very flirty text messages to girls. Anyways, there was one particular girl he had coffee with one day for over two hours. He was suppose to meet up with me later, and then was too late b/c he spent so much time with her. She ended up moving to a different city about a month later.After we decided to date again for the second time he told me he wouldn't hang out with girls alone anymore. He said he understood why it would make me feel uncomfortable and he would stop.And he has followed through with that, until now.He planned a trip to another city (the city that girl moved to) during our break up, and decided he was still going to go. So he is staying at a different friend's house (who is a girl btw) AND meeting up with the other girl that used to live in our city. He told me before he left, I'm just letting you know that I am going to meet up with this girl for lunch, but I told her to bring along some friends, is that okay? I said yes, it's okay.Well time passed and just a day before he left he said, that he can't get into his friend's apartment to bring his luggage there because she is working and works at a bank so he can't go get a key. So he is going to this girl's house now to drop off his luggage and going to the mall with her to kill time til his friend is done work.I know if i say anything he'll flip on me. I just feel he is being sneaky about it now. I wish I could just get mad at him, but he is flying me in this weekend so I can come along as well. He's such a sweet guy, I just don't know what is appropriate in relationships anymore.Ughhh! What IS okay with guys/girls spending along time together?
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male
reader, HeartBlossom +, writes (5 December 2007):
 Let me address the past behavior first. It's inappropriate for him to actively seek emotional rewards in the flirtatious responses of other women. Most people enjoy harmless fleeting glimpses of what might have been, but if he were secure in himself and happy with you, then he could hang out with other women all day long without doing anything that would upset you.
But since you're were noticing something in his behavior, he was probably crossing the line, and there's a real chance he was a bit too pleased by the attention and/or wasn't sure you're the best he can catch. I'm afraid sweetness doesn't imply immunity to the feeling that you're not necessarily his top choice, though you deserve to be.
With regard to what he's doing now, I don't think it's very sweet to go forward with a trip planned around another woman during your break-up or to break his promise to you about being alone with her. But it's not being around other women that you should really object to--it's the emotional charge he may be getting from the wrong source.
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