A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Was this fb post directed at me? and my “ettiquette” in talking with my sis in law and 11 yr old neice when I see them over new year?They live 2 hours from me in a small town. Im driving to see them in early Jan, sometime when its ok for them.Ive Not seen my neice and nephews in 6 yrs, not seen my sis in law in 5 yrs, and my bro in 1.5 yrs, due to their busy lives. A couple of times I was meant to drive their and see them, but the kids busy livesgot in the way and my sis in law cancelled “another time” I was told”On Fbook yesterday, Sis in law posted a “guide” on interacting with young girls and commented:“This may be useful in potentially awkward christmas and new year interactions” Ii was a short video on “how” to talk and what not to say To young girls”Im the oldest, a single, childless female over 40 and my sis in law doesnt like me. like she does my bro and sis, never comnents on my social media like she does theirs and never texts me.Was she being rude to me? Does she think I’m some socially incompetant mid 40s yr old loser single woman?Im not an idiot! I know how to say “hello” to an 11 yr old girl, i was One!I feel upset and targetted.. no I am not asking her! We havent seen each other since my sisters wedding 5 yrs ago..My bro and I occasionally text.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2018): You know, OP, you do have the right to cut people out of your life who make you feel "less than." Family included. There is no law that says you have to put up with this behaviour. Sadly, family knows best how to push our buttons and hit below the belt. The dynamics will never change. You hardly see them all as it is. Why not see them even less? As in never? There. Problem solved.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (15 December 2018):
 I agree with Tisha-1. If in six years, and living not that far from each other, you could not manage to spare a few hours to see your brother's family- and, of course, conversely, if your brother's family could not spare a few hours to see you- there's more going on than what meets the eye. I am not saying it 's your fault , or your brother's fault- I would not know, and most of all , this is not a matter of " fault ". But there must have been at some point an emotional disconnect, a communication breakdown, which may have very long standing, remote roots- and anyways shows a peculiarity in family dynamics of which this presumed " barb " at you would be just the latest, and not the most relevant, manifestation.
Personally, FWIW, I think that most possibly it has got nothing to do with you. People post and share all sort of stuff on topics they feel may be of interest to their social circle, or to other people in general, and it is not so strange that the mother of a preeteen would want to share thougts ..about how to handle preteens. I guess your SIL knows lots of preteen girls' parents , it would make sense she meant to " talk shop " with them.
As a matter of fact, I find a bit curious that you should take this post so personally- why would you ? Isn't there perhaps a touch of " if the shoe fits… " ?
I mean : if some of my relatives should post a guide , say, about " how to become punctual and never arrive late to appointments "- it would totally go over my head , because I am a very punctual person , I think I have never arrived late for anything in my life , unless of course the situation was totally out of my hands, like having my flight cancelled and being stuck several hours at the airport to board the next flight. So , I would not even dream that an advice about punctuality is a dig at me.
OTH, if I got a message about, say ," the importance to budget wisely and to save for a rainy day "- then , well...I may still not like to have my flaws called out, but yes, I could see I am getting my ears pulled. I got better with time, luckily, but I did live most of my life with a YOLO mentality, and occasionally I still have trouble with delaying gratification and with choosing to have a hen tomorrow rather than an egg today.
Do no evil fear no evil. If you are so adamant that your way to relate to young girls is just perfect and needs no improvement - then that post cannot be about you, right ?
(Then again- try to think about it honestly, calmly and dispassionately.There's always room for improvement in any kind of human relationship. And also do not think that because you used to be 11 once, that makes you an expert about how to relate with 11 y.o. kids today. You - and I too - were 11 a long time ago , and some things have changed. Just to give one example,- 30 years ago or so body shaming was still perfectly normal , parents would not think twice in addressing a pudgy child with " Lay that cake off, if you keep eating you'll look like a Zeppelin and boys won't even look at you ".)
Moreover- even supposing that your STL actually meant to criticize your social skills with kids - aren't you stretching the implications too far ? Why should that specific criticism imply that you are a " loser " or an
" idiot " ?
Anorther personal example : I am terrible with babies, toddlers and young children ( say, up to kindergarten. School age, it goes much better ). I don't like them - and on turn they dislike me back. This may be lamentable, yet I am neither a loser nor an idiot, and I am not known as or considered as either one. I am just a person who does not enjoy young children !
I would not be so trigger-happy to take offence , in your shoes. Benefit of the doubt first. Always. Relax- it's Xmas ,after all, spread some good will , some holiday cheer.Even supposing ( I still maintain it is unlikely ) that your SIL post means that she does not think much of your people skills (or young people skills, in this case ) well,so what . You have a great chance to prove her WRONG ! Be nice, be easy-going , be engaging, show interest- everything will be fine, and in case your SIL had the wrong idea about your " preteen skills ".. your actions, your behaviour will show her how greatly wrong she was, more than a lifetime of snubs and spites and ill-will.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2018): She is one of those people who uses social media to make snide comments and posts and trust me if anyone looks ignorant it is her.
I would go see your brother, don't drink alcohol so that you are in complete control of your action and behaviour and ignore her negativity. It seems you both don't see eye to eye and that is a personality clash and can happen between anyone. So be polite, don't bring up her post, focus on what you are going there for, to see your brother and your niece.
Hope it goes well
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (14 December 2018):
 I'd pretend like I'd never seen the post. Enjoy your time with the other family members and kill your sister in law with kindness. Nothing drives a person more crazy than when they aren't nice to someone and the other person acts like they don't even notice.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2018): If she didn't post it directly to you, whether intended for you or not! Who gives a rat's pa-tootie???
You want to visit your niece and brother you haven't seen in ages. There's a troll under the bridge, otherwise known as your sister-in-law. You've still got to cross that bridge to get to your brother.
She doesn't care for you; but you love your brother and your niece. I think love should overrule any objection she has. You're a guest, so you have to kill her with kindness. You'll be in her home, giving her an upper-hand. Unless she carries your brother's testicles in her pocket; I would hope he would try to make his sister feel welcome during your visit and not leave you completely at her mercy.
Sometimes there is nothing you can do to make people like you. That shouldn't be a hindrance to connecting with your own brother. If he allows you to be mistreated; I'm not sure why you'd make such a long drive, only to be insulted.
Perhaps all this is a little bit of jitters; because you haven't seen them all in a while. You're feeling a little anxiety from the long gap in connecting with family; and like you're somewhat of a stranger.
If she's being a fussy over-protective mother; don't take it personally. It's her kid, and she has a right to be protective of her daughter. You shouldn't go, if you're that thin-skinned. You can't let her alienate you from your brother or niece.
You're not an idiot; and ignoring her when she throws barbs will show her who the idiot really is! If her post was generalized; there may have been another un-named target.
It's wise to go on as if you have no clue whom she was referring to. You know it couldn't be you! She must have some modicum of manners; if she feels she should give you lessons in etiquette. Then she should know how to be polite.
Just direct most of your attention to your brother and niece, and be phony polite to her. Remember there is a child present; so you have to be on your best behavior. Enjoy your visit.
Concentrate your affection and attention on the people who return your love. In-laws are either delightful; or a pain in the ass. You simply have to learn how to work your way around them.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 December 2018):
 If they live 2 hours drive and you haven’t seen them in 6 years, there’s something else going on here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2018): Yah, don't rise to the bait. In fact, don't let on that you saw that post or even look at her FB. That will piss her of even more. Have fun...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 December 2018):
 Ignore it.
Whether it was directed at you or not, doesn't mean you need to take it to heart or ... take offense. After all, the only one who looks like an idiot IS her if she posts "how to talk to a young girl" instructions. I mean seriously... the kid isn't some super-genius or brainless little thing. I'm sure talking to her won't really be a problem for you.
OR maybe she thought she was actually being "helpful"...
Either way.. ignore it.
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