A
female
age
41-50,
*uburn-mama
writes:I dont even know where to start. I know when I read this back I'll think "silly woman - just get on with your life!". But I cant.I have been married 3 and half years. 5 months ago, my husband suggested a trial seperation. we had been arguing loads. however, a year before I gave birth to our first cihld, he gave up work whilst I was pregnant through depression and alcoholism and I too gave up work to care for my daughter. He agreed to counselling. the day heleft he met someone on the coach and 2 days later had sex with her. the following day he had sex with another woman, an ex. I had a feeling something had happened and asked him about it, he admitted to one (I found out about the other weeks later). Even so, he cried and asked to come back so he did. But I was so angry. a few days later I asked him to leave. I subsequently found out about the other women, and also messages he sent an ex through facebook asking her to be with him in an explicit manner - at a time when we were trying for another baby (yes I know, i was mad to consider a 2nd child with an alcoholic depressed person!).so what's my problem? I cant stop tihnking about him. its been 4 months and all I do is cry. my poor daughter comes up and pats me on the head when I start, which makes me feel like such a failure. I gave up my job, my home (we relocated after we married), my friends everything. and he has left this home, yes upon my asking, but left with a clean sheet and I have to pick up the pieces. All i wanted was for him to see what he had - I dont want to blow my own trumpet as I know I have my faults - but I was a good wife and friends and an excellent mother. I just wanted him to look at the home we built together, the family we created, and think 'this is worth fighting for'. go to counselling, try to see why he drinks, get a job and for me to look at myself and improve. but he wont even consider it.he now met some woman at his church whom he has told me he is falling in love with, he is cutting back on drinking and rarely drinks at his home, he is getting help, counselling etc and will be going back to work. what is it that this woman and his church has that our family didnt? is our daughter not enough for him to be a better person? was our friendship, our marriage not enough? why couldnt he change when he was here?why cant i just move on?!?!?! i have deleted his number so i dont constantly text him, i find excuses but they are petty, its just to have contact with him and feel close to him. he hurt me so much, so why do i stilllove him? why do i still think that there is something we could work on?i am having counselling but i'm aware its a long process. i cant deal with this. i am so desperate anddont know what to do.
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female
reader, auburn-mama +, writes (26 July 2008):
auburn-mama is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou are right. i know you are right. even when we were married i told myself we werent quite right for one another - about a year ago or so. I guess I am just looking through rose tinted specs and seeing my fairy tale - i never intended to marry more than once, and currently still hold that belief. i just wanted my fairy tale with the man who was once my prince. that sounds daft i know. he talks about this other woman with such affection, in a way that he never spoke about or to me. its nice to see him happy. it is. i just wanted our little family all together, forever. still, everything does happen for a reason and i CANT make him love me. i cant understand why he doesnt or why what has happened, happened. but sometihngs just dont fit the boxes, and i need to let go.thank you for your honesty. it has been helpful. god bless x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): You said he was still telling you he loves you. Men say alot of things. But then, ironically, at the same time he was going out and cheating on you. I'm sure you know actions speak louder than words. So his words say one thing and what do his actions say? A completely different thing. Like I said, a guy who cheats on you clearly doesn't love you. It doesn't matter what he says, actions speak louder than words. So clearly everything was not so perfect or special.
So like I said, you were both at fault here. He should have been more honest. And you should have been wiser, but I think you purposely ignored all the signs to hold on to some false hope. Deep down you must have known he couldn't be trusted. I mean, hello, he was cheating on you. C'mon. But we are all human and therefore we all make mistakes. The important thing is that you learn from it and don't repeat the same mistakes twice. So now you know for the future what not to tolerate and how to be more successful in your next relationship.
And you'll probably never know why he didn't love you back. In my experience, when somebody doesn't love me back it is because there is something better around the corner. And its almost like fate is doing you a favor. You don't realise it at the moment, but in time, when you look back, you will be so thankful that it didn't work out. That's how its always been with me.
I recently got dumped by this guy and at first I was devastated. Then a few months later I met this other guy who was way way better than the guy I'd been crying over. And I realised how much the guy who dumped me sucked. In fact, I am so thankful now that it didn't work out between us cause I realise now that he was just too problematic and pure drama and I can do WAY better. And I am SO happy that things turned out the way they did.
And you also will feel this way again if you give it a chance. So keep going to your counseling and working on yourself. Everything will turn out just fine.
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A
female
reader, auburn-mama +, writes (24 July 2008):
auburn-mama is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI didnt want to overwrite so missed out some things.
Until 4 weeks ago, he was still telling me he loved me, and saying that he wanted more children with me. i never really wanted children before I met him. Everything was just so perfect that when he suggested it I said yes. I didnt have the happiest of upbringings and thought the world was a dark place, and I didnt want to bring cihldren into a bad place. However, what we had was so special, I thought, that obviously I changed my mind.
It wasnt always like this. We used to laugh and talk and have fun, and (I thought) loved each other immensely. I dont know what went wrong, I dont know what has happened to change his mind.
I'm not trying to make him love me - I'm just trying to understand why he doesnt
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2008): There is a saying that goes "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." Your husband didn't and still doesn't want this marriage. And you tried to add children to your family and so on in what seems like a desperate attempt to tie him down so you don't lose him and hopefully make him "see the light." But as you can see, your attempts were completely futile. The truth is there was nothing you could have done to make him change his mind. You can't make someone love you. No amount of children or love, or money or anything can make someone love you back. Either it is or it isn't. And in this case it just wasn't meant to be. What is unfortunate about it is that you knew this even before you brought children into the mix. And you had to learn the hard way to not try so hard to MAKE someone love you, cause you just can't. Nobody can. It doesn't mean you are not a beautiful person who will be properly loved again in the future by someone who deserves you. I'm sure you will. And I don't think you are all at fault here, so don't get me wrong. I mean if he didn't love you back he should have not agreed to have any children with you. He should have spoken up cause he knew very well that his heart was not into this relationship. And you are at fault cause he was cheating on you left and right, and if that's not clue enough that a guy doesn't love you (so in other words you are both going to have a very unstable relationship to bring children into), I don't know what is...You are both equally at fault here, in my opinion.I'm just curious, you are both practically newlyweds, so what went wrong? Have you both ever been inlove with each other? Why'd you guys get married? Was this a new development after you got married or was he always like this? Cause if he has always been half-hearted about this relationship, and even so you still married him, I think you really need to work on your self esteem and love for yourself. You need to start loving yourself a hell of a lot more so that you don't ever again settle for this kind of mediocre, half ass "love." You need to hold out for a guy who adores you and not one who only half heartedly "loves" you, if you can even call it that. Hopefully with couseling and with the lessons that you have learned from this relationship, you can make wiser decisions in the future about relationships. You should put your own needs above anybody else's. You gotta learn to be a bitch and love yourself first and foremost before anybody else. You should NEVER drop everything, your family, your friends, your career, for a guy. Never. Now you know, so make the best of it. You can't change the cards you are dealt but its how you play them that matters. Good luck.
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