A
male
age
36-40,
*lbobio
writes:Hi there,Basically ill try and keep this brief. Me and my now ex girlfriend were having problems for the last 4 weeks or so and just last week it came to a head, we were in a bar catching up with an old friend when everything blew up. We basically spent an hour out on the smoking terrace just screaming and swearing at each other, this isnt very typical I might add, in the 17months we were together this was the first time I'd ever truely raised my voice at her.Well after the screaming and shouting match she asked if we could go somewhere quieter, so we walked over to a set of stairs adjacent to a closed down club in broad-daylight and talked, then she cried...alot, and I too began to cry. I begged her to go for a drink with me cus I didnt want us to end on sitting on a dirty staircase and crying, she said she couldn't. She was just sick of feeling like second best and that she loved me but couldnt do 'us' anymore. At one point she got up and started to walk away, I called after her, louder and louder as she got further away, I ended up chasing her down the street. We then had our 6th last kiss, so passionate so perfect, it felt like a first kiss but with added tears. And heres where it get confusing, I cant remember if I asked her or we agreed or what, but she promised me that we'd go on a date together one month from then and see how it was, that'll be the 8th of August.Since the break up we've txt a bit, easiest way to keep in contact though we're trying to have some space right now, but some of the things shes been saying have really messed me up, in the best possible way. Ill try and summerize them now;"I dont know how you feel but I want this to be more of a break than a break up""I never want to lose you from my life, not like this, not now, not ever""Im so impatient I want to be with you and try to make this work""I wish thursday had never happened. And i suppose we are less single more complicated""id much rather we take some space to find ourselves and then come back together and try again with a relationship if not id want us to be friends"I could go on but Im sure you get the general idea, basically couldnt sound any more blantent that she wants me back, and god I want her back too, but I know shes right this time apart will be good for us, its just so hard right now being seperated.But wait theres more, on monday we spoke a bit and at the end of the day I said i wanted to ring her just to hear her voice, she declined and said she wasnt emotionally ready, but she still wanted to txt. And on tuesday we'd agreed that we'd definatlely txt that evening, I waited and waited, eventually acted dumb as though Id already sent one and had had no reply, she eventually responded but it took like 30minutes, and then 30minutes more for the next one, I was home alone staring at my phone wanting us to have this txt conversation, I got myself very upset from missing her and now worrying if in 3 weeks time when we properly reunite if she'll still want to be with me then. I eventually told her this, or more told her Id been looking at my phone and the missing her was driving me insane so I was gonna take a couple of days. She apologised and said it was taking forever for my msgs to come through, apparently it upset her to read my msgs.And finally that brings us to yesterday, I lay on the couch feeling sorry for myself so I decdied id txt, no other reason than to apologise for getting myself in that state, she said it was fine and she was just not sure how to deal with me knowning I was hurting so much and it was because of her. I told her it was worth it cus she was worth it and that we both love each other and if we have to hurt to get back on track thats fine by me. She then said the killer: "Yeah but i dont see how its going to get any easier in the next 3 weeks thats all xx", I didnt know what to say to that, has she given up on me already? I asked her did she still want this, her responce came in the form of a phone call, first time ive spoken to her since, and she still couldnt elaborate on that point.And sorry I know I said id make this brief but I am trying and missing out loads. But last night I was out with friends, drinking through the pain, then just as ive got a new drink, I see her in the bar, with friends, shes told me she feels guilty cus she knows im hurting and her way of coping is going out and enjoying herself, but there she stands in this darkened room I cant even make out who the guy shes with is, probably just a friend (though I still worry) shes in this amazing dress, that I bought her, she wont have known id be there, cus I didnt know I would, I cant take it anymore, I storm outta the place abandoning my friends just in time to get away from the windows to cry my heart out, she txt saying I didnt have to leave cus of her, I said I hadnt that I just needed to go to jump on my bus.This is so hard, help me people, what is it she wants? How do I last the next few weeks? Do you think shes changed her mind already? Doesnt want to be with me? Or am I just being paranoid? Please help.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): Woah there, dude you really need to chill. I mean REALLY, because I suspect all this heavy emotional crap that's oozing out of your every pore is probably the reason she needs a break.
She calls for a break and you go nuts and text and cry and storm off and beg her to call you and tell her you're in pain and sit there waiting for replies, pulling your hair out, pacing about the room, analyzing every little detail, every word of what she texts but you have completely missed the point, you've completely lost focus and let your crazy negative thoughts get you so worked up you can't actually see what she's trying to tell you. Which is in essence "I love you but you've become obsessive and clingy, I need a break from that because it's become too much but I hope this break will help you take stock and learn to relax and enjoy 'us' again"
Dude re-read your question, I mean it, analyze what you said, how you said it and the language you used. You're going crazy, you've gotten madly paranoid that you're going to lose her and so you've reacted by becoming needy, clingy and obsessive.
Do you really feel this is the best way to approach this when she has asked you in no uncertain terms to "find yourself"? Let me tell you what find yourself means because you don't seem to get the message, it means you have to have life that isn't solely based on her because that's too much for her, you're painfully insecure, obsessive possibly possessive and she feels suffocated, really that's the only reason anyone asks for a 'break'. Let me tell you if she didn't love you and want to be with you then she would have broken up and not asked for a break, she wants this to work but you're making that incredibly difficult for her.
"Upset, trying, pain, paranoid, taking forever, messed me up, cry my heart out, crying, cried, stormed, sorry for myself, apologised, hurting, guilty, sorry, staring at my phone" These are just some of the examples of what you have written and frankly that's way too heavy. You've made the 'break' into a seriously heavy deal, you really think this is going to make her want to come back? I mean seriously would you run back to a person acting that way?
"How do I last the next few weeks?" My god man snap out of it!!! Get a life, go out, spend time with friends, start doing things you enjoy, get busy and most of all get happy. Stop waiting by the phone, stop sitting alone waiting. Get independent, confident and have a life, this what she wants. She doesn't want a devotee, she wants a partner.
"Do you think shes changed her mind already? Doesn't want to be with me?" Look if she has it's because of the way you're acting now, but I seriously doubt she has but she will if you don't reign in the crazy. Do you understand what I'm saying?
Please don't take offence by anything I have said OP, I'm not having a go at you. I'm harsh with my words because I've been where you are now and I wish someone had given me a slap across the face and told me all this back then because I lost a great woman the same way you're going to lose this one if you don't cop on.
She's given you a chance to sort this out, take it! Sort out your head, get rid of the insecurities, she loves you and wants to be with you, it's up to you to ensure you're the type of man she CAN be with.
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