A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Just wondered if you could give me some advice on my break-up please? Any comments or ideas would be greatly appreciated!So here it is - My ex boyfriend and I broke up just over 2 months ago. He is 27 and I am 28. We started off having a long distance relationship where we saw each other every weekend - he was very keen and came back to see me every weekend (he was living in London, and i was living in Bournemouth which is his home-town as well). After about 8 months, I was tired of doing long distance so i found a job in London and we moved in together. It was great and a little hard as I was away from my friends and family, but i was happy with him so it was fine. A year into the relationship he was talking about marriage and about him wanting to find a career in which he'd be able to support me when we had children - all this was music to my ears!After another 6 months, we moved into a tiny studio flat which had no room at all and his career ideas started changing. I was getting a little frustrated as he was starting a science course a few evenings a week and I was doing a job which i really hated, still had no friends in london and was missing all my friends and family at home in bournemouth. To top it all off, when i asked him if he still saw us having a future, he couldn't answer me. This upset me and I started to worry that we didn't want the same things any more. Then one night, he broke down crying saying although he really loved me, he couldn't see us having a future together. He made lots of excuses and i actually reasoned with him that these reasons were silly as we were happy with each other and loved each other. We decided not to break up but he said that he didn't know what men did in this situation and when i asked what he meant, he said his dad had affairs! So then he said he looked at other women and was wanting to have sex with them even though he loved me. We let things settle for a couple of days, but then on his birthday of all days, i said i needed to know if he felt it was worth talking through these thoughts he was having and trying to work it out and he said no! He said he wasn't ready to settle down and he thought if we stayed together he would eventually cheat on me! So it was best it ended now whilst we were still happy! So we broke up, and when i said goodbye to him i told him i loved him and he said he loved me too. I really believe he did love me as well.I moved out immediately and picked my things up while he was at work. He had thrown lots of my belongings in a cupboard including my pillow and the sheets we'd slept on and my hairdryer etc - it looked as if he felt i'd wronged him in some way which i really hadn't!He hasn't spoken to me since and i miss him and love him so much! I really thought he was "the one". I feel as though i ruined it with my questions about the future and i was pretty unhappy living in london away from my friends and family. I relied on him for everything which i think put the pressure on us and that combined with his lack of direction didn't help. I just thought we'd get through anything if we loved each other but i guess he really just thought he'd cheat - his dad had lots of affairs which maybe affected him. I don't know! He also used to have nightmares about him cheating on me.Any insight into what he might be thinking or what i need to do to move on would help a lot! I've had no real closure as he said he loved me.Thanks, Tasha x
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female
reader, Tasha1675 +, writes (1 January 2010):
New Years has been hard. I spent it with my friends and had a good time until it got to midnight and everyone was hugging and kissing. I got a bit tearful which was to be expected I guess. I half thought I might hear from him but I didn't. I can't tell if it's because he no longer cares or if it's just what he thinks is best. I wish I didn't miss him so much.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 December 2009): Wow your break up does sound similiar to mine. Like you I was completely taken aback by my ex's sudden attitude change. I agree with you, men are cowards when it comes to this stuff. It's so sad that you can't be friends isn't it? I wish I could be friends with my ex but there really is just no way when I want to be much more than friends.
I won't contact him as much as I want to. I have deleted his number to ensure it won't happen! I just wish he'd contact me! I guess it's that age old saying - he'll call you when you're not bothered about him anymore :)
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A
female
reader, trueatheart +, writes (28 December 2009):
 Hello,
Having gone through a similar break-up myself a couple of months ago, I know some of what you must be feeling. We weren't living together but had been making plans to as he lived down south and me up north. He spent months telling me how much he loved me, telling me I was 'the one' and building everything up then got cold feet about the whole thing, saying he didn't see a future in us and maybe he wanted to try and meet someone else etc. All the kinds of things your man said to you in fact and I was quite taken aback by his attitude.
Like you, I thought (and still believe) if two people really love each other, you should be able to work through most problems, find solutions, support each other etc. But all he seemed to want to do was break us up. I don't know what it is with some men. You love them and they take your love and use it as a stick to beat you with! Well that's how it feels to me anyway. After the break-up I spent quite a while feeling absolutely gutted, crying at work, feeling angry at him for giving up on us when I always kept positive. He wanted us to keep in touch as friends which I tried for a while but I just found it too hard in the end. I couldn't be 'just friends' with a man I felt so passionate about! And so I stopped contacting him. He hasn't tried to contact me since either.
I honestly think that your man (and mine) are just cowards when it comes to meaningful relationships. To break-up with somebody but still say you love them is just so cruel. He may have said it because he thought that was what you wanted to hear and it would make him feel less of a bad person (in his mind) for breaking up with you.
DO NOT blame yourself for any of this. Let yourself grieve for a while but gradually try to focus more positively on yourself. You didn't wrong him in any way, you tried to help him and he didn't welcome it. He obviously has problems with himself and that is not your fault. Don't initiate any contact. If he truly loves you and ever regrets breaking up with you, he should contact you. Actions speak louder than words in my opinion.
Take care of yourself. If it helps, keep writing things down on here while you are going through this. And you will get through this! :)
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