A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Sorry if I go on with this, I just need some help shedding a bit of light on my relationship.I have been seeming an older woman for 2 and a half years. We have had an emotional rollercoaster with one thing and another. Mainly her having issues with our age difference and me having trust issues after she lied to me time and time again about seeing her ex partner. We have always bickered, not often a few blown argument just petty stuff but frequently like kids squabbling but then we are both only children and like our own way!! From day one I have tried to be the perfect girlfriend, I put her first, I care, I put in 100% to our relationship and I am committed and content. I know she is the woman I want to spend my future with, I want to settle down and live with her and enjoy and experience magical moments together. Her....not so much! A few months before we started dating she had moved out her home she shared with the women she lived with for 17 years...and now she feels she doesn't want to settle down yet. She's never said never but one day just not now. I am ready for that but need to respect she isn't. She is very much her own person so independent and I like someone to cuddle, hold and look after me take care of me so I will feel safe...I have insecurities so I need to feel good about myself. This past week has been hell, everything was fine she had even gone to the effort of running a bubble bath with candles and wine when I arrived, kissed me and things were great. Then next day she says to me she doesn't want this relationship then carries on as normal and cooks me my favourite meal. She doesn't tell me to go or sit me down she just says it like in spare of the moment as she's not happy. She had everything the way she wanted, everything was her way because if it's not her way it's no way! I've accepted all this as I do love her but I can't deal with the these mood swings..,she becomes so aggressive, so annoyed and nothing happened to change her mind...she's snappy and cruel and I jokingly blame it on the menopause but what is going on? She's stopped making effort and refused to book a holiday with me as she's not sure we will be together. I am desperate to go away as when we do go and spent time together it is amazing, no pressure just us, she won't talk to me about this, she changed the subject, she won't be drawn to anything or she ignores me which is just rude. I love her with all my heart and I want all these things and plans for us but I can't see why she changes her mind when nothing happened to make it change. We do have a passionate relationship but I am the one putting in all the work. I do anyway as I am a hopeless romantic but what has happened that it's all on me to make contact, to want a future, to be bother whether we kiss or cuddle. I feel up against a brick wall, I don't understand, I can't talk about it as I get no where and all I want is for us to spend some quality time together. This is how we started bickering in the first place, we would always see each other weekends and in the week then it got other things popped up so we don't so much anymore, well that's how I feel. please if someone can see from an outside point of view what is going on tell me cos to me she's just not sure what she wants. I then question whether there's someone else who she is hanging on for but she says she loves me....
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (13 February 2016):
 I think you are bending over backwards WAY too much for this to be a functional and healthy relationship.
You are like the puppy she kicks quite often, yet it still follows her. That is not a good relationship.
If she had JUST gotten out of a VERY long relationship she wasn't in the right place to start dating but you don't seem to want to accept that SHE doesn't WANT a relationship with you. USE you occasionally for sex and company, yes - a serious relationship, no.
Words are cheap. Saying "I love you" doesn't always MEAN "I LOVE YOU". Specially if her actions don't match.
Sorry, I think you are barking up the wrong tree. She needs space and you need to take a hard look at yourself as well. You shouldn't HAVE to give up who you are, what you want and ALWAYS put your partner first. Specially when she doesn't do the same for you. It's uneven.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2016): Saying 'i love you' doesn't always count for a lot. Sometimes a person uses it to control you. not everyone plays fair.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (12 February 2016):
 It doesn't sound like she wants to be with you am afraid. You can make as much effort as you want to make her happy, but it will never be enough if she doesn't want to be in this relationship. To me it sounds like she just doesn't want to be alone, but she doesn't want to be settled down with you. The age gap might bother her because she has lived her life with a partner for so long, it sounds like now she just wants to have fun. If I where you I wouldn't keep waiting around getting hurt, you are only going to be miserable.
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