A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So I've got a very basic question and would appreciate all the feedback I can get. I've been seeing my girlfriend for 3 months now, and minus a few bumps in the road here and there, we have a very stable, healthy relationship and a lot of trust in one another. With all that being said, what is everyone's take on your boy/girlfriend being friends with their ex's? I ask because I have a tendency to stay legitimate friends with all of mine. Some of my very best, best friends are ex's of mine. but sometimes I do feel like I'm putting her in an unfair and uncomfortable situation, asking her to be okay with it, which I never want to do. But if I felt like the situation wasn't one in which we were completely platonic, I would never ask her to be okay with it. Simply stated: I would never try to be friends with someone if I thought they wanted anything but my friendship. I would never cheat in a million years. So if your boyfriend or girlfriend came up to you and told you they would like to remain friends with an ex, would you be okay with it? Or is it unfair? As a side note, two things: she doesn't remain friends with her ex's. And in case you didn't notice, her and I are both women. Somehow I feel like that may effect peoples opinions on the situation. Thanks in advance.
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male
reader, doublejack +, writes (25 September 2012):
My general rule is that I do not remain friends with ex's. The only ex I have any contact with at all is my ex-wife, and that is only because we have a child together. If we didn't, I would have no contact with her as well. As it is I keep contact to a bare minimum and only see her in-person when absolutely necessary.
The reason I feel this way is that I think it complicates future relationships. It can create uncomfortable situations and awkward moments. Once sex is introduced, it changes the dynamic forever. I know some people can look past that and continue on as platonic friends, but some people can't and that means you are risking putting off a future mate.
Take your current gf for example. You said she does not have friends that are ex's. She probably feels similar to the way I do, and thus may feel uncomfortable when you talk to an ex. It isn't a trust issue, it is an issue that the other woman knows you just a little too well.
Now, it is your life and you are definitely free to remain friends with ex's if you so choose. Just know that it will effect some people and possibly strain the relationship. It may not be unfair to ask someone to be OK with you being friends with ex's, but likewise it is also OK if someone leaves you because you do that.
Best of luck!
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (25 September 2012):
 You can't ask, or demand, that somene be okay with something. They either are or aren't. You can secretly wish for one or the other, but at the end of the day your girlfriend either is okay with it or she isn't. It's not like you can ask her to be okay with it, and she'll just say yes or no. Doesn't work that way. If you want her to be okay with it you need to make sure this is a situation she CAN be okay with. Are you flirty with your exes, do you prioritize them over the new gf, things like that are what makes someone okay with the friendship or not. If you're looking up their skirts it doesn't matter how much you ask her to be okay with it, because she really can't. That's like asking someone to be okay with you cheating. The clue isn't to ask her to be okay with it, but rather making sure the situation isn't one she would protest against. Just act mature about this, and be a friend and nothing more to your exes. If that's the real situation, your girlfriend will see that it is platonic. However, there's been numerous occasions of men and women who think they are "just friends" when they aren't. I suggest you ask your girlfriend to let you know if/when you're crossing boundaries of what she sees as platonic friendship versus flirting. And then you should also listen to her needs as well. Maybe an ex of yours actually is flirting with you, without you realizing it. But your girlfriend will see it clearly. So you need to trust her and her judgement as well as her needing to trust in you and your judgement.
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