A
female
age
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*enrietta340
writes:I have been living with my boyfriend for the last year. Very early in our relationship I was introduced to a female friend/colleague of his. This woman was the partner of one of his close friends, he knew them as a couple for almost 20 years. The relationship between his friend ended just before we meet, a couple of years ago. My boyfriend has maintained a relationship with both of them - the woman worked at the same place as my boyfriend. My boyfriend also ended his long term relationship just about the time his friends relationship also broke up. My boyfriend was spending most weekends at this woman’s house, (as friends) before we started dating, bringing her flowers, (hostess gift), cooking dinner together, collecting rocks while walking on the beach with her dogs et al. This woman is 10 years his senior and not attractive.This issue is - from the moment I was introduced to this woman, she has been rude and condescending to me. Leaving me alone to take my boyfriend to pick herbs in her garden (not a half an hour after meeting me), comparing me to my boyfriend’s ex, making negative comments about my boyfriend being affectionate with me - doing everything in her power to make me uncomfortable and show how close she is with my boyfriend. The coup de grace was looking up and witnessing my new boyfriend and this woman in a long full body embrace, (explanation, she is in a bad place) - as you can imagine by the time we turned in for the night, (in the room this woman claimed belonged to my boyfriends, which will make the woman's dog very jealous) I was in tears. I tried making friends with this woman, inviting her to my home - the behavior continued. She and my boyfriend had one last work project, before her retirement, the entire time they worked on the project my boyfriend bad mouthed her contribution, while maintain that they are "friends". He has vacillated between telling me maintaining that the friendship is "not worth it" and taking about going up to her place. My boyfriend tells me, if I have an issue with this woman, then I should confront her, he tells me they are just friends. We have even spoken to a counselor about this issue, the counselor told my boyfriend to think of what is most important to him. I guess my question is - do I demand my boyfriend to let go of this friendship and just stay at home while he goes for his visits?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Absolutely, you should go along. You've put up with this woman's crap for long enough. You have every right to be a butinsky; if your boyfriend continues to see her as he wishes. Almost defiantly.He is right, if you have a problem with it; you don't have to go. I don't recall you mentioning that he has ever asked you not to come. Only that you may be bored or annoyed with her. He spends too much time with her; for a man who has a loving and vivacious woman at home.I'm glad you added a few more details. I had pretty much gathered from your previous post that she has an attitude problem. She feels threatened by other women because she has an issue with her own self-image, her age, and she is psycho-obsessive over your boyfriend. Let's face it, the bitch doesn't really have any friends and she clings to the only one she has. She is such an alpha-female, she is unattractive to most men; and other women avoid her. The only people willing to tolerate her are probably her professional colleagues. They're bound by protocol and professional courtesy.I think your gesture was kind, and you don't need to offer anything else. Just annoy her by always showing up with your boyfriend. Keep her busy showing off until she realizes you're pushing her buttons. Mind-games is how you get next to people like her. She's a narcissist. They feed on fear and weakness. By not avoiding her; you cut off her narcissistic supply. You're gaining immunity by suffering through her antisocial-psychotic behavior. You behave as if you're in the presence of a spoiled child.Bring your lap top or tablet and entertain yourself while they're going through their usual ritual. Interrupt as often as you please, especially when you're ignored. Frequently ask her for a refreshment; or give her some trivial chore to appease a whim. Force her to be an accommodating hostess.Just your being there will annoy her. She mistreats you to make it a terrible experience; hoping to keep you away.You'll have to bite your tongue and dig your nails into your palms; but she'll have to see your beautiful figure; as it sachets across her unwelcoming threshold. I gather from your last post you've studied her ways and you're becoming accustomed to her antics. Use her weaknesses against her; and you'll earn more respect over time. She's older and she can't keep up the fight too much longer. You have the advantage of being a younger woman. I think she has given you a harder shell. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.To add insult to injury, you should consider sending your spineless boyfriend packing. Things aren't adding up.What kind of man would let some aging old hag berate and harass his woman? Why would her friendship be more valuable than your happiness and contentment within your relationship? That witch must know where all his skeletons are buried; or she is the hostess of some pretty kinky sex parties.Time to set an ultimatum. I think you've been more than patient throughout this ordeal. Instead of asking how to deal with her; I think you should focus more on how to deal with him. He is smack-dab in the middle of all this. That jerk is starting to give off a foul odor. Should you ask him to get rid of her? NO!!!Get rid of him!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): While I completely agree with you that your boyfriend should not allow for a relationship with another person where you are be mistreated, I think it's time for you to completely back off their friendship. You are adding to the drama and chaos, unintentionally of course (I probably would be too), but nonetheless you are giving her fuel.
Don't try to befriend her, don't talk about her to him, if you see her be bare-minimum but cordial..just don't pay her any heed. It sounds like you are pretty secure that nothing sexual is going on between them, and that would be the main concern for most. Stop feeding into both of their games. Your man likes being "fought over," and she wants to feel she has won. So just stop giving them anything to use in their subconscious game. Give that relationship the complete silent treatment and make it unimportant.
If he spending too much time with her, don't make it about them, just say you miss him and want to spend more time together. Just clear out of this mess completely. That being said, your man overlooking your feelings in this, is a red flag. It's not so much about this women, but it is more about how much he values you and your emotional sanity; he should know better and put up boundaries if this is something that is affecting his relationship. Most health partners do this intuitively, but since you are not willing to leave and you have already spoken to him about your feelings, see what happens if you make her a non-issue.
If it continues to plague you, talk to him again about. But make sure you know what your boundaries are when you do decide it is time for that conversation. Maybe this behavior is more indicative of some bigger issues, but you need to get to more clear about what your boundaries are before you talk to him about it again.
Your in a tough situation, you already have talked to him, tried making nice with her, and nothing seems to work. Essentially, you've covered your basis. It is also important to realize that it may not be what you can do to make things right by trying to change their actions, but what your limits and boundaries are and when you are ready being very clear about those to him. Take your power back, figure out what okay for you and what is not okay, it may be different that what his boundaries are. When you are crystal on it you will be able to make the right choice in your relationship.
Good luck! Keep us all posted!
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female
reader, Henrietta340 +, writes (12 June 2013):
Henrietta340 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your advice. The woman has retired, yet the situation continues. A detail I left out in my original post is due to my boyfriend’s friend living 3 hours away, she needed a place to live while she taught her last class. My boyfriend has studio spaces close to the school, we also have an apartment unit in the house my boyfriend owns next door to the house I own and we both now live in. I suggested she rent the unit next to our house to allow a possible friendship to develop between the three of us. She told my boyfriend she wanted to stay at his studios even if it meant staying on the floor and not having a shower for half the semester until another unit opened up. This meant they shared his studio for half the semester until a unit with a shower opened up. She smugly brought up that I had suggested the unit close to our home, and smirked at me – nice. The reason I add this detail is she managed to leave behind the paddle board my boyfriend bought her for her retirement present. Of course he has to take it up to her, I can only assume this was pre-arranged. He informed me he is going up for a visit, I can go if I like, that my discomfort is silly, and he intends to continue making regular visits whenever he wants.
His pattern is to leave on a Thursday and come back late on a Sunday and spend 3 nights at her house. I work on Saturday so I would not be able to leave until Saturday afternoon and I have to be back for work on Monday. Due I ask to be brought along and make it a short trip? I really don’t think it is appropriate for him have a friendship that I am excluded from because his friend is so threatened by his romantic relationship that she is rude and condescending to his partner. I have heard from other people that know this woman that she is like this with a lot of people most of who are women – they say, she is just not a nice person. I think this and ego thing with my boyfriend, he loves the idea of his attention being fought for.
So – what do you guys think? Do I ask to be brought along? It was my thought, that when she starts in with her “comments” to ask her what she hopes to accomplish with these comments and that it appears she is very threatened by my relationship with her “friend”. I absolutely do not believe that friendships that intentionally exclude one half of a couple are acceptable. Someone tell me what to do…. Do I give this one more chance or do I just get out of the relationship as my feelings appear to matter very little to this man.
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (24 May 2013):
 No way. When I have a relationship with someone, I expect it to be drama free. If I have a boyfriend who nurtures a friend who mistreats me, and especially justifies spending hours away for a weekend with her alone in full-body hugs, I'm not going to waste time with the pseudo-mind-game crap.
You want him to see a woman he can respect? Then break up with him. Don't even give him an ultimatum. Tell him and his friend to take off down the road. Relationships should be havens, places of comfort, and refuge from the cruel outside world. He has threatened the sanctity of that relationship, and refuses to listen to you about it. No female friend should be allowed to treat you like that, because then it's no longer platonic. She has feelings for him, and that disqualifies the whole friendship issue then and there.
Not to mention, honestly, if some other guy I was friends with belittled the man I love, that guy would no longer be my friend. That's happened in real life before, and I dropped the male friend because it infuriated me to hear him make fun of my boyfriend and try and put him down. If your boyfriend lacks that twinge of annoyance and anger at someone who would wish you ill, then I question his true feelings for you. He doesn't have the stones to tell her to back off. No I don't need anyone to fight my battles, but if he's allowing a battle into our relationship, I cut off the drama by cutting him off.
I think if this is without end and he's spending hours and hours over at her place, you should make plans to split up. Self-respect is only achieved through not tolerating certain behaviors and drama. He is betraying you by being okay with her to continually hurt you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2013): I know you want her out of the picture; but her persistence is because she sees your weakness. I would say 80% of your post was used to describe your dislike for this woman, and her efforts to degrade you. You envy their closeness and still can't get past her performance. She's desperate to hang on to him. So I would think your issue is more with her. Since you're intimidated by her, you feel you should take it out on your boyfriend. You're forcing the responsibility of protecting your ego and soothing your jealousy by demanding he give up his friend. Pretending you suspect they're having an affair.Somehow; I don't believe you really think that's true.Well if you're pushing him to make a choice, lets see which woman is the stronger. You feel you can boss him around; but you can't tell that witch you don't appreciate her creating dissension in your relationship; nor approve of her disrespect and degradation. What makes you think she will not continue to pursue him if he ends it? Then what will you do? Are you ready to deal with the fallout; if you are the reason for ending their friendship? It will not be as clean and pretty as you think it will be; just by pressuring your boyfriend.I only quoted what you wrote; when you indicated that your boyfriend told you to deal with her, if you have a problem with her. Obviously, you do.Why would he end a friendship of 20 years plus; because you're jealous and just don't like her? What proof do you have that there is an affair going on? They work together for 3 hours without you there. So? You'd only be bored.You are a killjoy; because you jealousy pout while observing them expressing open affection. You know it's all a show she puts on for your benefit. She knows how to push you buttons, and you can't handle her. She can make you cry.If you have any evidence there is something more going on between them other than friendship; then I guess you must offer your boyfriend the final ultimatum. That's your call.I really hope that this all works out for your benefit. You're not married and you're free to go anytime you like.She will simply convince him that you don't have the strength as a woman to be be his life partner. She will be the victor. Don't prove that bitch to be correct about you.I think he loves you exclusively and this all about jealousy. Good luck no matter what. He had better wake up, or he might be losing you under the perception he cares more for her than he does for you.
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female
reader, Henrietta340 +, writes (23 May 2013):
Henrietta340 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your replies, your opinions are appreciated.I did not let this woman see me cry, I was alone with my boyfriend when I let myself give in to tears. I do not react at all when she makes all of her snide comments. I feel that if I let "her" know her comments are getting to me, I would be reacting like the jealous girlfriend – without any dignity or class for that matter.Yes, she is threatened by me and not the other way around. She wants an exclusive relationship with my boyfriend and wants me out the way so they can spend time with him without me, she wants his attention all to herself. She makes me feel uncomfortable around her – I stay home, he goes to visit her 3 hours away for the weekend without me – really, would that not be really wimpy and weak of me?I have friends, I have close family – if any of them treated him in that manner, I would not say. “Oh well, you are too weak to put up with my friends hostility – you can stay home” and allow my supposed friend to push my life partner to the curb. My issue is not really with this woman, it is with my boyfriend’s lack of respect for me and our relationship and where I set my boundaries with him.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): I really don't think your boyfriend has to come to your rescue, nor give up a friend. I think you need to be more assertive and stand on your own. She will not be the last female to psychologically assault you and challenge your relationship.I don't think you need to approach this situation as a jealous girlfriend, under the presumption there is any sexual involvement between your boyfriend and this woman. She will play on your insecurities, because she is also a woman; and she knows exactly which buttons to push to lead you to believe there is more going on than there actually is. Therefore; I debunk any suggestion the relationship is more than platonic. Analyze the situation and don't let emotion cloud your judgment.This woman challenges you because you are in the spot where she would rather be. She is in the "friend-zone;" while you're the partner and lover. You're the biggest threat to her right now. She already sees the changes in him.Her cattiness is a cry of desperation.Her strategy is: "Attack the girlfriend. Find all her weak-spots and terrorize her. She's obviously too timid to defend herself. I'll pull him away, and show her my hold on him is stronger. I'll pull every string necessary. That weak little bitch."She's convinced that he deserves a stronger woman. That isn't her call. He already has you. You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself!If he really wanted her, you wouldn't be in the picture. They have a history, work together, and developed a support system after breakups. The problem with this, is women attach differently emotionally than men do. Their deeper feelings are more nurturing. She may have a twinge of romantic attraction; but he doesn't reciprocate. That position is filled.Over the years they learned each others quirks and weaknesses, and have relied on each other as buds through thick and thin. I know it is difficult for some people to believe men can have female friends without sex; but only those of us who do, know the truth to that presumption.Reinforcing your jealousy by over-emphasizing a romantic interest between them is a disservice to you, and it only adds to your trepidation. I don't think you should allow this woman to use that almost embarrassingly obvioustactic. She has only used vulgar ways of establishing her territory. Everything but raising a leg and urinating on him. There is truly no competition between you. Each woman has a different place in his heart. I just hope you will learn to be more assertive and grow a thicker skin. Deflect her ignorant barbs and throw a few darts of your own. You should always stand-out in a room. Asserting your own confidence. Other strong women will see you as their equal, and they will be less likely to bully you. This is the 21st century; and socially, the stronger woman prevails.Don't let these alpha-females push you around. Don't let them shake-up your relationship. You have to stand up to them socially, professionally, and you have to be a protector on the domestic-front. There are people out there who envy what you have. They will do whatever they can to destroy it, or take it from you. Your boyfriend does not have to defend you against other women. That's your responsibility.You don't need a man. You have to be able to survive with or without one. You "need" love and respect. Although love may be given unconditionally; respect is not.You need your own friends, and you need your own support systems. There must be balance. Things are lop-sided now.He's receiving all the attention.Achieve balance.Then you don't have to struggle to be reassured of your importance in a man's life; because you've made him feel he is the center of your universe. When he discovers he's not, he works harder to please you. When your bf sees your strength and independence, he will no longer look for the stronger woman in another female. You will be his rock, his source of energy. He won't need anyone else but you, when he has moments he feels the world is crashing down on him. Men need the strength of a good woman. That's why clingy insecure women go from one relationship to another. They're weak, and think they need a man to be whole. They don't realize we aren't intimidated by a woman's power, we're attracted to it. Vain and insecure men are intimidated by strong women.You already possess the qualities and traits that attracted him to you. All you need to do now, is develop confidence in yourself; and you will not feel as threatened by other females. They can smell your fear, and they will devour you.He needs to see your strength and feel he can depend on you when things get rough. That is not achieved by being bossy or manipulating. You don't demand anything from a grown man.You show him your strong sense of self-worth. You standup to your adversaries. You don't let other women piss on your relationship, and you will see a big difference in how that woman, and others, will treat you. It'll put him in his place as well.
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reader, YouWish +, writes (22 May 2013):
First of all, don't you ever give that woman the power to extract a single tear from you ever again. She is treating you this way because she is jealous of you, and it may not be romantic reasons. It's most likely territorial, and you are a threat to her. Never forget that. You threaten her, not the other way around. She has to resort to running you down, overemphasizing how long she's known him, getting all bothered about his showing affection to you all the way to the point where she has to orchestrate a full-body hug with him just to get at you.
So stop the tears and listen to me right now. You are overcomplicating the situation here. You don't play into your boyfriend's ego game of confronting her. There's nothing like two women fighting over you to give you a nice ego shot, and he's forgetting two things here:
1. You have the power to leave him, and in a hot second, he could be replaced by someone who doesn't have the baggage of a needy female "friend" hanging all over him
and
2. He's talking about going over to her house along while she's in a "bad place"? Remind him if he'd love to see you go over to a male friend's house alone to comfort him in a bad place, and how would he feel seeing YOU enveloped in the arms of a man, hugging so closely that to get any closer, you'd have to lose the clothes. Things get into perspective when he realizes that the place he's allowing her in his life would not be the place he'd want another man to be in your life.
The guy doesn't have to end the friendship, but if he cares about you, he'd protect you from being hurt by her. She treats you the way HE allows her to, and his going over to her house alone is all kinds of inappropriate. If they need to meet, it should be in public. You don't need to be her friend. In fact, she shouldn't matter to you in the slightest bit. Don't let anything about her raise your blood pressure, because you shouldn't need to fight for the guy you have who is living with you. He cheats on you? Toss him to the curb. He keeps letting her mistreat you? Drop him to the curb.
Your problem is that you don't have the self-respect to command HIS respect. He can make you feel uncomfortable because you can't live without him. Never ever be desperate. With this woman, she should be impressing YOU, not the other way around.
So, let him have his friend, but if she *is* just friends, than any project work that needs to be completed at a home should be in your home with you in it. He better not treat this woman in a way that he would not want you to behave with another man, including the places you go, the time you spend alone, and in the manner of your touching. Would he want a guy to give you a backrub or shoulder massage in the middle of a work project? Long, full-body hugs? Hours of crying? Stop seeing counselors and start drawing boundaries and enforcing them. Just because some female friend has "seniority" doesn't make certain behavior acceptable. That goes for badmouthing you to her. If he's whining to her about any deficiency in you, that's a huge no-no. Trust me,if you were talking to an attractive guy about arguments you and your boyfriend were having, it wouldn't be long before he'd be comforting you with his hands all over you. There are things you can do with platonic friends when you're single that aren't acceptable when you're with someone. Sorry, but it's true.
Other than that, when she makes condescending or territorial comments, laugh. She's showing her grasping insecurity to you. When affection between you and your boyfriend causes her to make comments, just smile. Don't fight and squabble, and if your boyfriend lets her get nasty toward you, leave him to her. She is *HIS* baggage, not your problem. Remember that. To drop his baggage, you drop him. No ultimatums. Simply your choices. Again, you do not let her cause you to shed one more tear. She is insignificant.
One last thing -- if she were truly a good friend to him, she'd be happy that you were in his life making him happy. What kind of friend is she that would cause him to lose you simply because she is needy? She's his problem, not yours.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (22 May 2013):
 I don't think it's right or reasonable to choose friends for a grown up man, and/or to demand that your partner sees only people who get your full seal of approval.
If this woman were a threat for the solidity of your couple, perhaps- but I think that you are taking this too much at heart. They do not seem to be bosom buddies, your bf does not seem to consider her a romantic / erotic interest at all. They got closer at a time when both were vulnerable after their break ups, and were each other support system- but now your bf has you.
I also think it's normal, although surely irritating for you, that this woman is jealous and competitive toward you and territorial with your bf. She was used to be the most important woman of his life for a period - even without having to suspect romantic undertones - and now things have changed and she has some trouble dealing with it, hence the coldness or even the veiled hostility.
Which, you do not have to put up with , if you feel you have already done your best to befriend this woman ,- but all you can do and should do, IMO, is stay home and do not go hang out with her .
I also think that , since the woman is retiring soon, and since her function of shoulder-to-cry-on and weekend companionship have ceased now that you are on the scene, this friendship will dwindle or die down naturally, in time. If you make of it a big bone of contention or matter of principle, you play up the importance of something that probably is not so important to your bf to begin with.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): People are not always attracted to others because of their looks. So the first thing you should recognize is that just because YOU might not find her attractive, others including your boyfriend, may.
Honestly, everything you were describing sounds like there is some kind of attraction beyond a friendship. His behavior with her, before you were with him, sounds like dating and not just friends.
It's your call what to do. At the end of the day, you can only tell your boyfriend you are uncomfortable, but you cannot force him to change his behavior.
How much time are they spending together? I am curious to know if this is a friend he sees quite often. Also, how would your boyfriend feel if the roles were reversed? Would he be okay with a man in your life that acted this way towards him.
Frankly, I am not a fan of how he is handling this. But I would call him out on his bluff and talk to her. Let him know beforehand, so she cannot manipulate it and give him a run down of how you are going to handle it. I would try to be positive and ask her if there was anything you did to offend her. See where it goes there.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): To demand that your boyfriend let go of a friend that dates back 20 years; because you are too intimidated by her is a huge sign of weakness; and shows a lack of fortitude and backbone.
It is obvious that she envies your relationship, and your connection with someone she has grown to love, but can only offer a motherly affection for. The only intimacy she can receive in return from him is a brotherly embrace or the affection of a son. You actually get to make love to him. Put yourself in her place. Her days of romance have ended, and she may not believe she will ever see them again.
Her treatment of you is a facade. She is actually intimidated by YOU. You have stolen him from her. He was her substitute boyfriend. Her connection to the past.
She is older and unattractive (this opinion may be biased, but I'll accept it); so he is no longer her male companion.
He now belongs to you.
I think, had you used a little wit to battled her sarcasm with humor; you would have won her over. You never really offered her true friendship, because you were too busy competing for attention. She is a female, as you are. She saw right through your phony attempt to offer her an olive branch. Like you were offering a mean dog a treat.
She would have respected you more; if you had given her a piece of your mind. You treat her as a monster, because you are a wimp in comparison. She wanted to see your strength, and you didn't have it in you. She wanted to see your power as a woman. You've failed all her challenges. She doesn't think you're worth of her friend and colleague. She disapproves. Not that it really matters, mind you.
Your boyfriend has tried to back you up; but he would have been really impressed, if you just knew how to take her on.
His vacillating opinions are only that of a frustrated colleague over professional dissension. He didn't really mean it.
You were supposed to create harmony, blend in, and show grace even when she charged at you. She is protective of him and she wanted to expose your weakness. Make you look frail in comparison to her strong character. Did she succeed? You just didn't comprehend what your boyfriend meant when he said,"if you have an issue, then you should confront her."
Otherwise; be a scared little kitten hiding under the couch. Hissing and arching your back as she confidently walks by; but not before she steps on your little tail.
You have no right to demand that he end his friendship. Knowing the relationship is platonic, and your only motive is your fear and jealousy.
Just become a stronger woman and face up to her. When she throws you a curve, laugh it off with something witty and humorous. Carry the conversation and earn your position as the center of attention; even when you're in her home.
When she pulls your boyfriend aside, don't blink a lash. She's only trying to push your buttons. She knows you'd bristle and cave in. Typical jealous little girlfriend stuff. You are a mature woman, not a bullied little school girl, my dear!
Be brave and be a strong woman. Be confident in your relationship, show grace, and exude charm. Take back your dignity. She has walked all over you. Now you're all pissed off and want to forbid your boyfriend to visit her. You know that isn't going to work, don't you?
Don't stand in the way when he wants his space and wants to go visit "mama." Stifle that whiny little girl, and let the woman in you shine through. He's an adult; he doesn't need your permission to do anything. Use that aggression toward your nemesis,not your boyfriend.
Here's a challenge:
Invite yourself over alone; bearing a bottle of wine, chocolates, and expensive cheese. She won't believe your audacity. If she refuses your company, leave them at her door, never to speak to her again. If she invites you in, act as though nothing is wrong and just have a long talk.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2013): Demand that your boyfriend stop being friends with this woman, No! I don't think that is your place. However, I do think your boyfriend should speak with her when she is like this. It is disrespectful towards your relationship.
I have a best friend, male. He was dating this women who couldn't stand me. It was not what she said it was the way she acted towards me. My friend and I were working together one night and he told me that she told him he could not longer be friends with me. I told him that I would take a step back in our friendship as I didn't want to cause them harm in theirs. He dated this woman for awhile and I did take that step back. It wasn't long before he got rid of her and we were hanging out again like old times.
Tell your boyfriend how you feel. How she makes you uncomfortable with her boundaries of her ideas of their relationship. But never ever tell someone how to live their life. It is bound to blow up in your face.
Good Luck.
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