A
male
age
51-59,
*hrischris2019
writes:I have a problem with my sexlife. Usually it is the other way around but my wife always wants it and I dont feel like it. This has been going on for awhile. I think part of it is the stress from my job and just life in general but my libido is very low. We are going to counselling and I thought we were making progress but now she tells me she wants a friend with benefits. So that makes me feel bad about myself and like I have failed and the marriage has failed. we have been together 8 years. So I am wondering, what should I do. let her go, and carry on or try to make it work. I am sure it is more complicated than what I have said but I am curious if anyone else has experience with an open marriage and how that has turned out for them. On the one hand if I say go ahead it will make my life a lot simpler in that I wont have to keep trying to make her happy, as bad as that sounds. Before today I was trying to do that but after our talk I feel like a switch went off. Trying to please her all the time is exhausting and it is not just the sex it is like everything in our life that I try to do something for her and it feels like it is never good enough, no matter what I do. we were making baby steps, I thought, to get a better place but now it is like she pulled the nuclear option and I am in shock now. I dont know what to do and it seems like she has already made her mind up.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2020): This is just speculation, but I wonder if you did open your marriage, if you wouldn't come to view it as a major imbalance, since you would presumably not be seeing other people due to your low libido? Fairness is important.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2020): I don't understand why she is asking your permission to cheat? Like so many unhappy wives in their marriage she can simply take up a secret lover or get a divorce. Cheating eventually leads to divorce anyway. You might just as well safe yourself time and heart ache and do it now rather than later.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2020): Your wife wants to replace you yet still stay with you, is this for advantages like money? IF it is not to be with you you may as well end it now, you are living on borrowed time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2020): When your wife tells you she wants a FWB, she may as well tell you she's looking for a new husband. I know our modern-world allows us to do whatever we like, and nothing's off the table. Why don't you two consider a divorce? You're going to counseling supposedly to save your marriage; while her remedy is to receive your blessing and permission to have sex with other men. Most people, particularly women, connect emotion to sex. You would in effect be giving your wife your permission to shop and find herself a better lover, and possibly a new husband. How do you meet random people, have sex with them, and never run into somebody you don't want to give-up???
You can be honest here. Are you even sexually-attracted to your wife? Often men aren't, and will never admit it.
Bigger question...how would you feel about other men having their way with your wife, while increasing the risk of STD infection? With these men come their baggage, trouble, and drama. It all becomes a part of your life. It all seems so great in theory; but always see things from all angles and from different perspectives. One-dimensional thought in my opinion is stupidity. Just seeking pleasure or to satisfy desire, with no consideration for the consequences. That's not how civilized-people think.
You will probably get a less judgy or acrimonious opinion from others; but if you love your wife and value the monogamy of your marriage, you should avoid that at all costs. Marriage is an institution of monogamy and family. A bond made between people, which requires the couple who made vows to each other to workout all their issues; without introducing adultery and extramarital affairs into it. You vowed to be faithful. If she requires somebody else to fulfill her needs, cancel the contract, and let her go.
What's the plan if you don't agree to it?
I think you should see your doctor to make sure you don't have medical-issues that require treatment; and you might need to check your testosterone level. Abstinence from drugs, moderate alcohol consumption, stop smoking, good diet, and exercise; reduces stress, and increases the male libido. It improves health overall. Your wife may even have decided your lack of interest in sex could be an indication that you yourself may be having affairs, or indulging in porn. Asking for an open-marriage is a clever way to get-out and find "your" replacement, without you getting in her way; or having to sneak around to have hidden affairs. Doing it openly doesn't make it any better than cheating. It's just bolder and in your face.
Is being tired and stressed really your problem? Maybe you don't really love your wife, and just don't want to have to go through a divorce? If you would even consider allowing your wife to sleep with other men, how could you not be bothered by it? If your wife still loved you, why would she emasculate you by suggesting you let her sleep outside your marriage?
Counseling is useless when you're making no effort. Just showing-up is a waste of time and money. Unless there is an underlying medical-issue, or something psychological requiring treatment; maybe you need to come to a final decision about your marriage. Asking your spouse to allow you to sleep with other people means she has given up on you. Going to counseling is merely going through the motions.
By the way, not even once in your post do you mention if you love your wife. Perhaps she already knows the answer to that question; so you shouldn't be so shocked that she wants a lover other than you.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (28 October 2020):
 I honestly don't have any information to give you about what an open marriage is like. I will tell you that I have been on DC as a moderator/aunt for over 13 years and every time open marriages are discussed, the end result is never good. They don't work because usually one person really doesn't want this. I strongly advice you against going this route.
Have you had yourself checked out? Is your wife willing to go to counselling? I would exhaust every possibility before agreeing to an open marriage. Doing that could very well be the end of your marriage.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 October 2020): I say it's best to end your marriage amicably right now. An open marriage agreement is jumping the shark. It's an extreme attempt to save a marriage when in fact all it will do is destroy it for good. You're already on that collision course. Bringing anyone else into a marriage, even just for sex, is going to open up a world of trouble for you. Even the fact she would suggest such a thing tells me she does not love you. She prioritizes sex. Sex with anyone over honoring her commitment to you and your marriage. At that point something would break inside me if my partner told me that. I'd be resentful. And build a wall and lose all my feelings for them as a form of self protection. To be with a person who never thinks you're good enough is emotionally destructive and exhausting. They will literally drive you to madness. Before you suffer further, it's best to cut ties and let her go do whatever she wants. But you won't accept it. It will reduce you to a shell of a man constantly feeling you're not good enough for her. And you will resent her when you see how happy she is after some other guy fucked her and she's on top of the world. You will drive yourself insane wondering what they did. It's just a horrible deal for you. The only way it could be more tolerable is if it was open for you as well. But from what you've said, it doesn't look like you're not interested in other women. Sweetheart, do yourself a favour. Love yourself more. It would have been a deal breaker for me the minute an open arrangement was suggested. Why bother being married at all? It's only going to get worse for you. I'm sorry you're in this position. But I would be ending it and putting a stop to all future pain and suffering as a result.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (28 October 2020):
 Before you consider an open marriage, have you been to see your doctor?
Drop in libido can be due to drop in testosterone and many other MEDICAL reasons.
Also I think YOU have to decide if you want a WIFE who screws other men. What if she falls for one of them in the process? Is this really something you want?
Personally, I could never do an open marriage. But you have to find YOUR boundaries.
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