A
female
age
36-40,
*lapure4
writes:Dear Cupid, I'm writing you to get your advice on my relationship with a man I've been involved with since March of this year. We have been exclusively dating since June and have built a healthy relationship so far. This was a relationship that grew over the course of the pandemic so friendship was at the root of it. Despite the seven year age difference between us, we have much in common when it comes to family values, morals and some shared beliefs. Moreover, we have spent quality time exercising together, dining out while social distancing and planning a trip to a cabin and hiking over an extended weekend. We've already met each others families, parents included and have spoken of a future together. If you would like to know our ages, I'm 33 and he's 40 years old. However, I find that as we get to know one another there are a few things that concern me a bit:1) Currently, we both live in separate apartments but plan to move in together once our leases are up next summer. I'm a very organized person and he's messy or borderline dirty at times. So much so, I find dishes piled in the sink and left for days, or his laundry will be dispersed everywhere and unfolded. He will take the initiative and clean when he's not preoccupied with work or feels embarrassed when I elect to clean his place sometimes. He works a full-time job and runs a part-time freelance business from home so he keeps a busy schedule where he'll often put his household chores on the back burner. I also think he's grown accustom to this "bachelor way of life." I don't want to tell a grown man to clean his place at every turn, but I will try to set a precedence by showing him that its important to do so. When the time comes for us to discuss moving in together, I will make this a priority for us to share in the household responsibilities. 2) With all that he contends in working two jobs, he will sometimes be so overwhelmed that he becomes scatterbrained and tired (physically and sexually). Sex doesn't occur often and I'm the one who usually initiates it and it makes me feel guilty at times. We've certainly had these talks as I recently found out that he's prediabetic and was taking medicine to deal with a muscle spasm. The lack of sexual intimacy seems to be a chronic issue that I just don't know if I will ever be satisfied in the bedroom. However, when he is in the mood, he will do whatever he can to please me, but it doesn't always meet my standard. What he feels will increase his stamina is diet and exercise which I believe helps him, but I'm not sure how much longer this will continue? Should I give this more time to manifest?We've had talks about how I prefer to be stimulated in the bedroom, so he's well aware of what I want. But he and I are currently on two wavelengths when it comes to sex because I prefer to have it 3-4 times per week, and he prefers once per week. 3) He's such a sweet person that he wants to make me happy at ANY cost. I find this to be a problem sometimes because I don't want him giving in just to make me happy. I want him to be opinionated or tell me when I'm wrong. That will ultimately make our relationship stronger. And he's afraid that he will lose me sometimes, which I believe still haunts him after his last long term relationship. This is something we've had talks about as well, and I hope he can overcome this. Above all, he brings more good than bad because he's such a sweet, charming gentleman with a heart of gold. For the most part, he makes me happy and I feel good whenever I'm with him because he treats me like the special woman that I am and will do anything for me. He's by far the best boyfriend I've ever had and that's no exaggeration. My family adores him too and I feel that the stars do align between us. He would make a great husband and father someday.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2020): People are often on their best behavior during the start of relationships. Would you be okay with sex once every two weeks or less? Because it would not surprise me at all if that is where his comfort zone will be soon.The cleaning thing is workable, but you can't make someone want sex.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2020): I don't want to come along and sour the punch; but the fact you've mentioned his extreme untidiness and lower sex-drive tells me these two issues worry you.
Passion and sex carry more weight in relationships than people care to admit; and it can be a sticky point. It's one thing when you're in a well-established relationship and changes occur with time. It gives you the opportunity to gradually adjust or compensate for those changes; but the relationship is already on a sturdy foundation that has withstood the test of time. Married-people have made vows to be together through sickness and good-health, richer or poorer; and make a decree to spend a lifetime in faithful-commitment. When the body ages, naturally our sex-drives decline. Those couples with strong loving-relationships weather the storm and make do. They've already been through hell and highwater together, and loyalty and devotion makes up for anything lacking. Don't count-on the stars for anything. Your feet are planted firmly on the earth, and held there by the force of gravity.
Many have very strained marriages due to the absence or infrequency of intimacy in their relationships; and this topic constantly comes up on this site for advice. The lack of sex and affection strains already complicated or rocky-relationships; and couples do breakup or divorce over it. You can't dilly-dally around this issue; if you know deep in your heart it might be a deal-breaker.
You have needs, you are young and healthy. How much are you willing to sacrifice? Just "wanting" to make you happy is based on good-intentions. In the realities of maintaining a durable and healthy-relationship, good-intentions aren't enough. Love is a demonstrative emotion, expressed mentally and physically. Though people can live without sex, they should decide at the very start of their commitment; if they are willing and able to adapt to a relationship that may not offer much in the line of sexual-intimacy. Be fair and honest with yourself. Don't drag somebody into a relationship, or hold them as emotional-hostage; knowing fully-well you don't believe you could really be happy in a relationship like that. It's not fair to either of you.
Men get-away with being messy and slack on our hygiene. Like it's supposed to be a "guy-thing!" I will skip the expletive, and just say that it's fine when you're single and living alone. Somethings you establish before you move-in; you don't put-off until later, or think you're going to miraculously change somebody. This man is 40 years old, he is set in his ways. He's sweet until he hears you nagging him about his untidiness. Wait and see!
It is not okay to be messy when you share an abode in a relationship with somebody else. Some guys only want a girlfriend or wife to cleanup, cook, and do their wash. They won't lift a finger, and you'll find yourself nagging him and scolding him like a lazy teenager. No sex and a mess?!! You're already rationalizing and excusing him for it. You will be living with a 40 year-old man; who leaves a mess behind himself, expecting somebody else to clean it up. You'll tolerate it during the honeymoon phase of the relationship; but there is nothing worse than living in squalor and filth, unless you yourself clean it up. You will become resentful, disgusted, and it will frequently become the reason for arguments. He will promise you anything at this point; but being nice and sweet is lovely and easy at the moment. Wait until you both live together; when everyone comes down from cloud9. Then it comes time to make truth of your promises.
I'm sorry to say, you're thinking like too many women who come here for advice. They think way too far ahead; imagining men they barely know to be husbands and fathers. You don't know that much about people in the span of only six months. A dirty apartment for a man that age is a red-flag. He has health issues that will affect your love-life. Being a nice-guy is great; but being in a romantic-relationship that you hope will culminate in marriage and a life-long commitment requires you to be much more discerning and prudent. I'd put marriage far to the back of your mind; and stop fantasizing about the future. Stick to the present and deal with it now. You don't go into relationships thinking you're going to change people; and some bad-habits never change. You want sex 3-4 times a week, but he only wants one?!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2020): You are totally incompatible. You are flogging a dead horse. As for inviting you around to a dirty place that shows contempt for the people he invites over. A normal nice person would make sure their place is clean and tidy before they invite people over, as a mark of respect for them. There are lots of people who are busier than him who find time to do that, he can too. The idea that you sometimes help him by doing it for him is pathetic. Are you supposed to be his girlfriend, partner, lover or are you his mummy and $20 an hour cleaner? You make yourself look small when you do this for people you visit. It is their job not yours. And in a relationship you start as you mean to go on. Not by being subservient and small compared to them.
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A
male
reader, kenny  +, writes (29 October 2020):
 you are been together for roughly half a year, you have been in the honeymoon period up to now where everything is perfect, exciting, like a romantic novel.
Now the honeymoon period is over, and now your back to the real world, where not all is perfect, and yes there are imperfections.
From your post the good things about him outweigh the bad, and this is good enough reason to stick with him and make this work.
I think because its been a relatively short period of time you have been together i think you should continue getting to know each other more before you embark on any serious commitment.
When you eventually do, without being controlling and laying down rules and regulations you need to maybe sit down together and just set up a plan for housework, shopping, bills etc, both having jobs allocated to each other to do on certain days.
The sexual stuff, i think that this is just something you are going to have to work on over time.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (29 October 2020):
 1. Decline staying at his when it's not clean. If you come over and it's nasty, either suggest you go to your place or that you can't stay over. DO NOT offer to clean it. THAT is HIS responsibility. If you do, you might end up being the one who pulls the biggest "chore burden" when living together.
By not wanting to stay at a filthy place... you are NOT telling him to clean but you are SHOWING your standards.
2. your libido's are mismatched. He is fine with a lot less sex. Yes, he is older than you but, will it drop even more when living together? It's ONLY really 4-6 months in and he ONLY wants it once a week?
3. he wants to make you happy, LET him. He is a GROWN ass man and I seriously doubt he will do things he really doesn't WANT to, in the long run. Or compromise if you know he doesn't really want to do something, YOU be the one to find an alternative that will suit you both.
YOU have to decide if the lack in the bedroom outweigh everything else.
I know you are talking moving in and getting married, but I think... you need to slow you roll a little. It's ONLY been 4-6 months.
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